If you were a betrayed, would you give this letter? If you were a betrayer, would you feel insulted? What would you change/add/eliminate?<P>"C…<P>"I love you and that is why I write this. If on top of feeling betrayed I also feel other feelings hurt every day I will lose respect for you, I will stop loving you and maybe I will even hate you. You, (name of D) and I do not deserve hate in our lives. Maybe you won't agree with most of this, but please respect it. I request the following:<P>"1. Please stop mixing up our family and your personal affair, meaning please do not receive (OP) in OUR home- our daughter's home, and specially do not push any contact between (D) and (OP) or (OP's daughter). She is not welcome, sorry.<P>"2. Please tell (OP) to stop calling and then giving me messages for you. Ask her to send you a beeper if she wants to talk with you; if you call her from home please don't do it from our bedroom, it feels as if she was in bed with us.<P>"3. Please abstain from introducing and/or taking (OP) to any of OUR friends' homes or business. You have no right to put them in an embarrassing situation & it hurts me. They love us & it is unfair doing otherwise, even if because of that love they accept (OP)'s visit with you- some may say no & you may take it personal when it would be only normal since they don't (like you don't) know if your affair with (OP) will last. After all we are still married & living under the same roof.<P>"4. Holidays, Saturday afternoons and Sundays ALL DAY are family time, (D) needs you & barely sees you during the week; she always waits for weekends so she can be with mommy & daddy at the same time. She was very disappointed last Sunday (told me before bedtime) & I know she was upset in Christmas day too, please don't do this to her again.<P>"5. If either you or I have a scheduled night out and this is cancelled it must not mean that the other one has the right to leave instead, unless we both agree on exchanging that night for another one.<P>I love you.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Alex<P>While I am very new at the MB site I can tell you, as the betrayed, I would NOT send a letter to my H (the betrayer) that focused on the OP.<P>I would give him a letter that told of my love for him but would NOT give him one that mentioned the OP or even hinted at ultimatums. <P>I believe it would do nothing more than make the OP look even more attractive.<P>Just my 2 cents.<P>FC

Alex,<P>Where is <B>K</B> when you really need him!<P>Yes, Alex... this is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> to the nth degree...<P>All of your words...<BR>"Please Stop...", "Please tell...", "Please abstain..." and on...<BR>are all considered <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... mostly in to the form of <B>disrepectful judgments</B>! The word "Please" infront of most of your thoughts really don't lessen the impact of what your W is hearing/reading.<P>You want to express your ideas?...<BR>You want to be honest with her and yourself?...<P>The throw away this letter...<BR>If you are on speaking terms.. talk with her!<P>And say your honesty with feelings like...<P>I feel bad when OP is in our house... it does x, and y, and z to me....<P>It's a subtle difference... but it is not attacking <B>her</B> values... not matter how messed up they are now...<P>I <B>know how you feel</B>...<BR>You know that with the court case I lost!...<BR>I understand your feelings 100%...<P>I have no idea what form of legal recourse you have where you're at... I obviously had a lot less than I thought...<P>All I can do is "teach my children" the right from the wrong... That is something you still have available to you too!<P>I wish I could give you some kind of magic pill so that the nightmare would be over... I'd take a bunch myself... This sickness of our spouses is eating away at everything good in the world... much worse and any cancer I can think of... because it affects lives in a much worse way!<P>Prayers for you Alex... <BR>I really feel for you...<P>But, please don't send this letter...<BR>Don't return <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> words because of her sickness...<P>Brotherly Love to you! <P>Jim

Alex,<P>Jim is 100% correct. I don't have much time this morning. I'll come back tonight.<P><BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Alex,<P>I'm just thinking back to my last reply to you.<P>I got a few of these kinds of replies when I first started (yeh... they were mostly from <B>K</B>)...<BR>I was upset with him... How dare he tell me I was wrong... That's how I felt because of my pride... well.. pride s**ks!<P>Boy was I wrong...<BR>That's where experience comes in...<P>Don't be mad at me for suggesting you do the <B>harder</B> thing... the <B>less obvious</B>. It does, at the surface, make it seem you a wimp...<P>but 2 years from now...<BR>5 years...<BR>10 years...<BR>It will be something to stand tall on...<BR>for your daughter as well as your W. It won't hurt either on the day of our judgment either.<P>Prayers for all of us to do the <B>hard</B> things in life... <P>Jim

ALEX- i agree ith everyone here.<BR>LB's to the max.<P>tone it down just a bit.

We are on speaking terms & have no problems talking about OP when she brings up "the subject". We talked yesterday & had a great morning until 3 pm, when she left to OP's for the evening & to sleep over at some of OUR friend's home in a nearby town . We have a date to go to dinner on Tuesday but wasn't planning to produce the letter there- my idea is just to have a good time & not push anything (sort of like a first date ). What if I take each of the points in this letter and talk each of them at a different time? Would this work?<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 10, 2000).]

Yes Alex... do talk with her...<P>But not with <I>those words</I>... please?!<P>Honesty <B>is</B> so important...<BR>But <B>how</B> you say it is more important than the message sometimes!<P>Be honest with her...<BR>without her getting a chance to think...<BR>... "...are you(alex) putting me(W) down?..."<BR>The foremost thought in your mind should be...<B>I can't change her while the affair is on... while she is sick/addicted...</B> Does that mean do say <B>anything</B>... <B>NO</B>... just say it more carefully!<P>This is hard... d@mn hard!<BR>Practice and rehearse...<BR>re-write your "points"... and bounce it off us...<BR>(I know we're being critical... but it is lovingly offered...) <P>Jim

Thanx, Fingers Crossed, covenant, Bill & Jim for everything (and no, Jim, I am not at all offended but thankful). I'll rephrase it & bounce it back... in the meantime I’d appreciate more opinions.<P>Thank you again.<P>Alex

Don't know what happened here!!!<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 10, 2000).]

OK, no letters but conversations; only one of this topics can be requested in a single conversation, and have to wait a few days while making love deposits until the time is right to bring up another issue.<P>1. You know I love you, but sometimes I feel some of your actions hurt and when this happens I lose some of the respect I have for you, this may eventually make me to stop loving you and possibly even hate you. We (name of W, name of D and I) don’t need or deserve hate in our lives. Sometimes I may ask you or you may ask me something that the other one doesn’t agree with; instead of ignoring it let’s discuss it & reach an agreement for everyone’s sake.<P>2. I feel weird when I learn that (OP) has come to OUR home and makes contact with (D) and/or (OP’s D); I know you don’t believe this to be wrong, but since it’s still OUR home and (D’s) home I need your help on this, please.<P>3. One of these days OP won’t find me in my best moment and I may be rude when she calls, and this shouldn’t happen; the same when we are in the middle of a conversation & you take any interruption to call (OP) or like the other night when I basically asked you to leave our bedroom & continue you phone conversation downstairs. Please, I don’t want to be disrespectful with you, just ask her to send you a beeper so you can call her when you decide is the best moment to do so.<P>4. Some of our friends may find embarrassed when you introduce your lover to them, some may ask you not to bring OP back; if they don’t I may feel betrayed by them, like if they are condoning your affair. It is not fair to them so I think it is a good idea to leave our friends out of the picture for now.<P>5. Holidays, Saturday afternoons and Sundays ALL DAY (D) have always been special for (D) because both mommy & daddy are with her at the same time; do you think that you can manage to give her that again?<P>6. To avoid confusion why not: if either you or I have a scheduled night out and this is cancelled it must not mean that the other one has the right to leave instead, unless we both agree on exchanging that night for another one<P>Better now, what do ya think? <P>Alex