Update on my saga. H moved in mid-November. We have seen each other at least every two weeks since then. He does tell me he loves me from time to time. Definitely misses me. Phone calls becoming more and more frequent. Talks about "if we...." <P>My apartment lease runs out 8/31. I work for a large bank so I could take a pay cut and transfer with my bank to a teller position if nothing else were available just to keep my retirement. I'm willing to do that. I have in my home the ex-girlfriend of my son who has made some bad choices and ended up on the street. No family, just had foster parents. Family is in KY but not much support there. She quit school when situation broke down in the foster home. Did very well on assessment test at community college and qualified for one week fast track course to get her GED. She is enrolled first week of February for that class. She is also now working. My only problem is she doesn't have a car and when her work hours fall outside the bus schedule I'm the taxi. That's ok -- I'll never regret helping her as long as she continues to help herself.<P>My PROBLEM. I'm aching for my old life. My cluttered garage, a home of my own, not working two jobs ... coming home and throwing laundry in the machine. Wondering "what's for supper??" Living my old life. I ran across pics we took while building the house and right after we moved in. I also went to my brother's over the weekend and drove by the house we lived in for 22 years. I loved that house. I became so angry last night. I told me H when he called for the third time over the weekend what I want but didn't want him to reply. <P>Is this a phase? Am I crazy to want my old life back?? For those of you considering leaving the home, don't do it until you can't take it anymore. I wish I had sucked it up and stayed. I love him more now than ever. I think he loves me too. I want to move on with our lives. We aren't getting any younger. WHY WON'T HE GET OFF THE FENCE??? DOES DEPRESSION DO THIS???? HE CRIES EVERYTIME HE LEAVES ME OR I LEAVE HIM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM??? I want to move on or move forward before I go nuts.

Janie,<P>I think you are going through a phase of the recovery process, and it's "normal and healthy", so to speak...<P>As to your husband, I do believe that depression could be a major player in his inability to get off the fence. He should be getting treated, but as you know, HE's got to do that for himself.<P>

Hi Janie,<P>I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I can relate. Sometimes, I feel like I have no life at all. Living in limbo has got to be the hardest place to be.<P>It does sound to me like your H has some sort of mental problem(s). I'm beginning to think that unresolved deep seated problems seem to surface in midlife. My H is much the same way, although he's been dropping little hints lately about wanting to get back together.<P>But, K is right. Your H has to want to help himself. A doctor that I spoke with last week who has a lot of experience in addictive behavior says that addicts do what they do because they "don't love themselves". Both your and my H's are running from themselves, & their unresolved problems. It's escapism. This doctor also said that many times, these people have to hit rock bottom, before they will reach out for help. So, what he was telling me is that I am enabling my H by continuing the contact with him. I wonder, if perhaps, your H might fall into this category as well?<P>Anyway, this doctor suggested I get some help through Al-anon. I haven't had a chance yet, but, it's something I intend to do.<P>Hang in there. I hope things get better for you.

HI Janie, I was so pleased to read your post. I was wondering how your new roomate was doing with her situation You are a doll-she really needs some help, and you stepped in when required. (((hugs)))<BR>I think that part of the recovery process from any huge life change involves going back into the memories, feeling the needs and wants. I want to remember the wonderful things I once had, both emotional and physica. But I know they cannot come back in the same way. What I can do is work toward making my life even better. I beleive this is another step in the healing process.<BR>Perspective my friend....looking toward it as a positive change, a freeing experience. <BR>YOur h will have to come to terms with his own issues and fears. YOu are there for him, but he really has to do the work himself. Sometimes I sure wish they would just listen and let us help them...but with my h, that was not the way. He had to do it all.<BR>Hang in there Jnaie, you are wonderful!!

Hi Janie--<P>wow, you sound like such a marvellous person...how you're helping your son's ex-girlfriend and all. Truly a *good* person.<P>You ask if your ambivalence about your marital situation is just a phase--and yes it could be. It's easy to forget all the bad when the bad has been removed.<P>You and your H might still be able to forge a marriage through all of this.<P>But before you do, I'd suggest you examine what has changed since he left. Has he/you grown at all. Have your behaviours towards each other changed? Because getting back together to *get my old life back* probably won't work if nothing has changed.<P>I'm not at all versed on your situation--but it seems to me "comfort" is what you are seeking and remember, the old comfort wasn't so pretty, if it ended with H leaving.<P>You two have an opportunity here to pick up where you left off--but to move forward with the help of some guidance through therapy.<P>I hope you find what you are looking/hoping for. <P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis<P>

My H and I have both grown in many ways. For him, taking care of his own finances, taking care of his own business affairs, etc. This is something he was totally ignorant about. He could barely write a check or keep a checkbook. He tells me now that he is so sorry for the burden he put me under all those years by writing checks and making atm withdrawals and not keeping me informed, not being aware of the bills I had to pay, taking care of everything around the house, etc, etc, etc. I see a different man.<P>For me, I've grown in many ways. I love him, but know I can survive without him. I do seek "comfort", but not in the old way. We treat each other with more respect now than we ever have. We now know more about what each other need. He bought me some beautiful jewelry for Christmas and my birthday. He tries to be much more thoughtful.<P>He now tells me he loves me, although I always say it first. Even if we do reconcile, it will be a long time before I can relocate. My apartment lease doesn't run out until August. I have the "little girl" staying with me for a while and I need to wait for the right job opportunity. However, if we have a goal and a direction I can be fine with living here.<P>He called last night and is planning on coming for a visit the third weekend this month. He wants "to talk". Please keep me in your prayers. It has been a year and a half of hell for me.

I understand your feelings on lots of levels...<P>Wanting you old life back: warts and all, wanting your old H back: even if he isn't telling you he loves you without you saying it first, knowing that you aren't getting any younger: but we aren't over the hill yet(had to throw that one in ), wondering what is "normal" with your H: is it depression doing this??<P>I have the same questions and concerns, even though it is my H who moved, not me. He cries all the time, and I've gotten to the point where I don't (and this scares me!). Like you, I have "...grown in many ways. I love him, but know I can survive without him. I do seek "comfort", but not in the old way." And you know what? That scares me even more. There are some nights when I think I am so glad not to have to sleep in the same bed with him, not because of anything else than my need to be alone. I've always been a people-person, and I didn't realize how important being alone was. <P>So, maybe the lease will help you in a way, because you won't rush into anything too soon. I will certainly pray for his visit during the 3rd week, and that he will say "I love you" first... cause that kind of stuff MATTERS, huh?? <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow