H. told me he doesn't want to work on marriage because it is too painful. He also said we shouldn't have sex anymore because he feels uncomfortable afterwards. Yet when I ititiate it-we do it (oral only lately). Is it wise of me to try and meet his emotional need for sexual fullfillment when he say the above?

Molly...<P>Since in your in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... the choice of what <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> you try to satisfy are up to you...<P>In time this can become more and more difficult if an affair drags on... but <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> encourages meeting those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> you can! <P>Jim

Jim,<BR>I'm wondering if by initiating sex I am appearing too needy to him. I wonder if he thinks I am using sex to get him back. As a man, what do you think? I don't beg or plead and he readily admits that I am fantastic...<BR>I don't have a problem with it as I am satisfied and feel closer when we do it.

Now that’s a way to get people to read your thread LOL<BR>Seriously though I can’t say anything about this, before H and I separated we almost had sex numerous times. And when he came to visit the first night we just had oral sex but almost every night after we did everything there toward the end of his visit he said he wasn’t sure if we should be doing it or not but then we decided if it makes each other feel good that we would just take if for that enjoying each other. I don’t know if what we did was right either but it felt right to me and I think that is all that matters.<BR>If you think it is right than do it if it don’t then don’t. Only you can say what is right for you.<BR>But in my POV you are trying and meet his emotional need for sexual fulfillment and that will deposit love units. <BR>Lesa<BR><P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <P><BR>

Molly...<P>Being honest with him about you wanting to fill <B>all</B> of his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> is important. Many spouses will think that the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>-er is just doing it as a ploy...<P>Talk to him and convince him it is NOT a ploy! That everytime to meet his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... it means you are there for him... with no tricks... just your love!<P>Better yet... if he is courious... bring him into your thought process by filling out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A> for both of you... Show him that Marriage Building is an effort that won't kill him! Who knows... maybe he start meeting some of your needs again... and better.<P> <P>Jim

Wow jim I wish my H could hear most of what you just said. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Talk to him and convince him it is NOT a ploy! That everytime to meet his Emotional Needs... it means you are there for him... with no tricks... just your love!<P>Better yet... if he is courious... bring him into your thought process by filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for both of you... Show him that Marriage Building is an effort that won't kill him! Who knows... maybe he start meeting some of your needs again... and better.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I wonder if I should print it out and send it to him.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <P><BR>

Jim,<BR>Even though he has said he doesn't want to work on the marriage, you think I should say that? I like the idea of telling him that-definately. I'm just wondering if he will think I am not listening to him when he tells me what he wants. He is having an EA with someone that he works with. He hasn't moved out. We can't afford it and have only discussed his moving as a way to sort out the way he feels. This was before he told me he didn't want to work on it. When he told me he didn't want to work on it we didn't discuss where we go from here. We said we would think about everything we told each other. And we have continued to have oral sex since then (every day since he told me-2 days).<P>

My H thinks that every nice thing I do to him is a ploy to win him back. And if you really stop and think about it, it is. We're trying to show them it will be safe and comfortable to come home and that we love them. It's just called a Plan instead of a ploy. I won't have to deal with my H until Friday so hopefully I can get my emotions in check and be a better person by then. <BR>In my opinion, if you can do anything to fulfill an emotional need, do it.

Mitze,<BR>How is it working for you? Thanks for the advice.

As well as meeting need for sex, how about communication. I talked to H last night while giving massage. I reminded him of what it was that i fell in love with and asked him to do the same. We talked about things we used to do for each other and why couldn't we do them again. Why do we fail in these things? Sit him down, no TV no phone no kids etc. Don't make it an ambush, just start talking. Is he that defensive that he won't open up a little bit? Try!

Molly,<P>Ok... A word or two about <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> his moving as a way to sort out the way he feels<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this is 95% of the time... pure bunk. Most of the time this is said... to manage a way to spend time (lots of it with) the OP. IMHO... try to keep him home with whatever you can... hopeful well timed and positioned (no pun intented here) meeting of his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>The only reason I don't consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A or Plan B</A> a "ploy"... is that my love <B>is</B> genuine... <BR>am I hurting... yes...<BR>is this a cat and mouse atmosphere... yes...<BR>does it feel like a game... yes..<BR><B>but</B> that love is genuine!<P>I'd say hang tough in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Stall that move out. Show some genuine appreciation for <B>any time</B> he satisfies your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Jim

BSJ,<BR>Actually we do talk. He asks me about what's going on in my life and I ask him about his. Yes, I know that one of our problems is that we have never really lived intergrated lives. I recently realized that conversation is what we are missing. Real conversation about things he has an interest in. I believe I need to talk about things other than our relationship-which in the past he has cried after-I lovebusted him about it...I have just been so caught up in my pain to realize this. I just started posting and it's great to get feedback like this-it helps move you in a direction that you know is right in your heart but too crippled by pain to act on.

I believe it is a good sign that he is responding sexually, especially since you said you feel good about it. For awhile, great sex is all we had. It was the only time he said he loved me. But I think it can act as a thermometer in the relationship. We felt mostly pain the rest of the time, and yet we started connecting in bed. At first I crave more "meaningful" sex, I felt he was not with me emotionally. But it grew.<P>But you have to work on fixing any other things too! If he won't right now, you've got to go at it yourself. There is something driving your need for space. Of course he would feel rejected when you changed rooms. So show him how much you love him!!!

I don't know if this helps but my H said the same thing once. I turned to him and said why was he destroying the one really beautiful thing we had between us, something that we could build on. He thought very carefully about what I said. I didn't think of it as "trying to get him back" but more of a building stone, one step at a time!God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Molly,<BR>I am fairly new here myself. My h has been having a fling for about 2 1/2 months. I only found out 2 1/2 weeks ago. He partially moved out Dec.23rd. Sometimes things are ok between us but if you've read any of my posts, it's been really hard. I've given up so many times, but then picked myself up and started over again. The hardest part is that he moved in with her. Until he is away from her, basically I'm just waiting and trying to be nice. But he's making it hard. If you haven't already, read my post "BIGTIME LB". That will show you how yesterday went for us. My biggest obstacle is that he is an alcoholic and I dealt with that the wrong way. I enabled him to drink.<BR>