let me give you a little background info first. i had an emotional affair with a friend wo was part of a circle my h and i belonged to (approx. 5 couples). my h discovered this in september. he made my life a living hell--one minute screaming, the next planning to leave, then staying, wanting to beat up the OM, threatening to take our children away, spewing names at me,etc. the reason i think for the affair was stress and lonliness. i have a young son with a physical disability who needed surgery over the summer my husband was not always available to help me with his care. i became resentful and took solice in the kind words of my friend. well as time went on i became more attracted to him as he did to me.<BR>he began flirting, then he'd call me daily,<BR>eventually telling me he loved me. i felt just as strongly for him. <BR> my h was in a band he would practice once or twice a week depending on weather they would be playing out. my girlfriend would go because her boyfriend is the drummer.<BR>i had met her 2 years ago and had a feeling of distrust. i let it go because my other friends said she was harmless and flirted with everyone. i stated that i thought she flirted with my h a little heavier, but again was assured it was just her way.<BR>then stangely my h suggested that she and i get together about a year ago and go out. he felt i needed someone to hang out with.<BR>she and i had alot of common bonds we quickly became friends. she was like a fixture at my home. always there. now to make a long story longer--like a [censored] i always believed my h would never do anything with anyone else--<BR>over the summer she would come over and spend time with us as well as play with our kids. i started to get suspicious when she was always wearing white t-shirts and ended up thrown in our pool pretty much each time she came over. she also knew about my feelings for my OM friend. she would encourage my to call him or find reasons for us all to be together(hosting parties, a campout at her home where she and 3 guys left-one being my husband-to go to another friends home for a midnight swim they all came back 3 hours later)my gosh recalling this i am stupid! <BR>after my h found out about me he waited until the end of october to tell me that when he encouraged my friendship to her to begin he and she were having a relationship themselves. i was a bit in shock but not suprised. well i want to know her version of what happened. my h and i have been working on our marriage but the thought of her gives me mixed feelings. on one hand i want to wring her scrawny little neck and the other i want to say hey i forgive you. i just can't let the fox in the henhouse again. and trust me she is as cunning as a fox. i've gone into too much detail already but as you all know there is always more.<BR>thank you to anyone who responds.

First of all figure out what you hope to gain approaching the OW and asking her questions. Will she answer them truthfully or be deceptive like she has been all this time. A friend of mine had gone through a similar situation and she approached the OW. Of course the OW blames the whole thing on her H. Sd that he pursued her....wouldn't leave her alone....and the ever famous.."I tried to encourage him to go back to you and tried to break it off". This hurt my friend so much more. Well when the truth finally came out it was her that lied. All of those lies told by her made my friend react so horrible to her husband. So you might not gain anything more than just more pain and hurt, more questions that can't be answered....and worse of all a H that will run if you keep on him. If you love your H and want to work things out....I wouldn't listen to a word she says and try to find truth in him...even though it will be hard. Keep us posted.

Welcome <B>lexi</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP). You and your H have been in both roles. <B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B>understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Recovery requires only <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... on both your parts!!!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Bot even for betrayers...<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>If you are really more into a true recovery... read up on the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A><P>Are either the OM or OW in anyway still involved?<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 10, 2000).]

Molly~<BR>Since our local welcome wagon has given you an abundance of information to read up on and all I don't want to appear to be putting more on you.<BR>I guess my thing is that I want you to think carefully about what any type of communication you may receive or give to the OW. What would it do for you? Would it extend the problems already existing within your marriage or would it shorten the list? My experience is somewhat simular. The OW was a long standing friend of my H's family and I knew that at one time both the family and the OW intended that my H should marry her, not exactly what my H wanted. <BR>I felt the need when she offered friendship to get along with her and threw myself into the relationship because if I couldn't get along with the in=laws at least I could get along with the ex, I'm a good person, right? She used the information she gathered to weaken my position with my H and I felt overall took advantage.<BR>There are days that I want to contact her but force myself not to. I have no use for continuing a relationship or intensifying the feelings that a confrontation would bring. I would examine your reasons that are deep within you for this confrontation, you will probably come to the conclusion many times that it would be worthless. Whatever you decide, know that the board is here to help you! God Bless!!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I too wanted to speak to the OW and I actually did (she called me). As my H and I have progressed I again wanted to speak to her to find out if my H was still calling her. After posting here and receiving many honest replies I was encouraged not to. Let me tell you why you shouldn't. This woman is not your friend, she probably won't be truthful (why should she start now) and her answers may cause you more pain. Even though the urge to contact her may be overwhelming, she's not going to give you the truth that you are seeking. Don't call her!

I'll answer from the other side of the fence. Upon discovery, my H seemed reticent to divulge details. He told a little bit, but I felt he was hiding some things. I decided to email her, but I lied and said that I had found a secret file he had hidden on the computer all about her. I told her that he has had female friends in the past, but that she was the first one he had taken great pains to keep secret. I also told her I had not yet told him what I had found yet. I said the purpose of my email was to hear her side of the story so I could evaluate things before jumping to any conclusions. She emailed me back and told me everything, from when they first met, to the nature of their relationship, which was more than my H had told me at that point. <BR>To give my H credit, when I told him what I had done, he didn't get angry, and when I told him what she had told me, he came clean about everything. He still does when I ask him about details. Sometimes though, I still get the impression that he is hiding things and even though he says they have had no contact since I discovered, I think to a certain extent, they are protecting each other. I also can't shake the feeling that there are other secrets he is hiding from me. These days though, I'm learning to just accept that that feeling of mistrust will forever be ingrained in my marriage because of what he did. No marriage is perfect, and now that I know what he is capable of, I will always have to be on my guard. And he will forever have to live with the fact that my initial faithful trust in him was destroyed by him and him alone, and that it won't ever come back to be the way it was.<BR>If you are strong enough to handle the details, and truly want to know them, then I would contact her. But if you feel you already know all the general dirt, then maybe it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.<BR>I don't regret contacting the Spork. I think though, that she regrets answering me. <BR>As a final note, I did intercept an email to H from her where she sounded angry that he seemed to be implying that there was more to their relationship than there really was. (He had said there was nothing going on, but when I emailed her, I implied that he had given that impression, to see how she would respond, and respond she did).<BR>Since that "discovery" email, though, I have had no contact with her at all. I do, on occasion still ask my H questions, but never in a confrontational or judgmental way, and he does always answer them.<P>I agree with the other posters, though, that to really get over things, we really need to shut the door so as not to keep perpetuating the feelings of mistrust. That's the hardest thing to do though, when you are trying to understand how someone who says they love you can so easily hurt you.<BR>My discovery was last May, and I am still having bad days. More good days are sneaking in though.<BR>Good Luck to you and your family.