Unfortunately, I filed for divorce before I found this web site. Had I found it earlier I think I would have managed things differently.. Although I never wanted a divorce really, I felt it the only way to "open my husbands eyes" so to speak. Well it did open his eyes but upset him too even though he does understand why I did it. I asked him what he would have done had the shoe been on the other foot. That is if I had been the one having the affair. He said he would have left immediately and filed. Now my dilemma is should I withdraw the petition? He is still seeing the OW and I somehow feel she thinks he is going to get rid of me and marry her even though she is still married and hasn't even filed for divorce. She does know that I have. If I withdraw, then if my husband actually wants the divorce he would have to file. In order to do this in the state we live, he would have to file with the grounds of legal separation for a year. This would mean he would have to leave because I plan to go nowhere. I know this may only prolong things but he would have to at least make a decision. The way it is now he is only waiting for me to make the moves. He has his net worth statement that was due a month ago and seems to be in no hurry to get it done. Don't you think a man that has this OW would push to get rid of me if he really wanted her. And besides if he had to file and wait at least a year, he might get tired of her and the affair would fizzle in the meantime.<P>Thoughts?????

In my opinion, if you don't want the divorce, withdraw the petition. If he wants the divorce, let him do all the work. It sounds to me like he's still confused right now. Give it time.

Hey BC,<P>I did the same exact thing. I filed for divorce to wake Val up. Well it worked for a week, she was miserable, calling crying all the time. She begged me not to give up on the marriage. Didn't want to come home and work on it though.<P>That all changed when she actually got the papers. She called and had a fit. Of course NOW her mom gets involved and tells her that if I filed I must want the divorce and she should follow through.<P>So here it is less than 8 days until the final paperwork gets signed. Now I don't know what to do. I'm not going to sign just yet.<P><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Don't file for a divorce if you don't want one. This is part of being honest. Tell your spouse what you want and what you expect. If you want the marriage to survive, tell him so. Be consistent. It is okay to admit that filing was a mistake. He should also know that you do have limits.

Well, here is my experience as far as filing for divorce and then changing your mind....<BR>Once I found out that my husband had an affair with my best friend, and found she was pregnant with a child that is most likely my husbands, I filed for an emergency divorce. I went so far as to go to court and had the judge actually grant the divorce. All I had to do was to complete the required "Children of Divorce" class. Well, I completed the class within the same month...and sometime immediately after that, changed my mind about divorcing him. I decided not to send the court the documentation that I had completed the class, so as not to finalize the divorce. That was back in September. Luckily for me, my husband had ended the affair almost immediately after informing me of it, and had expressed his desire to be with me. That of course made it easier to start the reconciliation process. We are currently working very hard to rebuild our marriage so that neither of us *ever* looks to an affair as an answer to any of our problems.<P>IMHO if you are not positive that divorce is what you want, withdraw your petition. I wish you the best of luck, and my prayers for your marriage.

bc,<P>Check out my3kids recent post too!<P>Yep... I agree with everyone here...<BR>back out if possible...<BR>If not possible... can it be changed to a "separation"... but this is only needed if you need financial/physical protection!<P>I made the mistake of filing too...<BR>I am now, like medic, caught in the throws of it all. <P>Prayers for a good decision... <P>Jim

I too was the one that filed. I really believe that my H had no intention of filing when he walked out. The only reason I did it was because he had been gone 10 days and we had no clue as to where he was. The day before I filed he called to say that he was getting an apartment and that did it. You can't work on a marriage if your not living together. (well I thought at the time) A dear older friend of mine told me that if I was so unhappy about filing that I should cancel the filing. When I tried my attorney would not return my phone calls. I was going nuts. I kept leaving him voice mail about my desire to withdraw my petition for divorce. Next thing I know I got paperwork telling me that he was withdrawing his appearance as my attorney. I was really confused. Well found out later that he just figured that since I wanted to cancel that I didn't need him anymore. The bad part was that he never canceled it. Then 2 weeks later my H filed a cross petition. That meant that if I canceled mine that he could carry through with the divorce. I thought about it, but then found out that I could possibly lose the girls and the house since he was the one filing. So I never canceled. I will regret that as long as I live because I honestly feel that he would have come back....he told me that he needed time and since family told me that I would be stupid to give him time, he should know what he wants...I filed. If you do not want the D and will not stand to be thrown out of house and w/o kids I would cancel....but tell the attorney that you want to retain him just in case.<BR>Nancy

Thanks for all the good advice. We don't have any kids to worry about and I have already found out that they wouldn't kick my H out for being gone 32 nights in 3 months so I doubt even if he filed that the judge would kick me out because I haven't done any thing wrong (except obviously not meet my H needs) and I know that now. So what would be to lose. If he really wants the divorce he can file and then I will counter. It will be more money but I feel it is worth it because I believe down deep he loves me and the OW is only a get away. She must be trying to get a hold of him tonight too. I have had two hang up calls tonight (unfortunately I don't have *69 or caller id and she knows this). After the second hang up I went to the garage where my husband is working on his truck (right now he is at the neighbors) and his cell phone had two calls on it. That doesn't have caller id either so I brought it in the house and imagine within 5 minutes it rang and I got hung up on. sounds like the OW to me. Should I put the phone back or just tell my husband that I think someone is trying to get ahold of him. Maybe taking the phone is a lovebuster but he wasn't there to answer it anyway.