Saturday H and I talked about missing condom and he swears he did not take one. Says he want me and marriage. He is trying to be exta good and he was never one to be sexual. <BR>During the past in our marriage he showed little interest,but recently he wants to do it all the time. I'm confused. He says it is because he is focusing more on me than he has before. <P>We discussed the porn issue and his keeping it a secret, this is what bothers me about it. And he said he wouldn't do that anymore, keep it from me. I said if this is something he likes why not include me. He said he would like that. However, he is still keeping it a secret from me. He is accessing sites on internet and deletes the files even after he said he wouldn't. I found a the temp files and there it was. Why is he still lying to me about this? I feel this is a serious problem. Porn, once in a while is one thing, but all the time, every time he gets a chance. <P>I don't know what to do. He says one thing and does another. What is going on? He still won't be honest with me. Should I ignore it and just be nice and loving? This hurts. I still don't trust him.

If anyone has any advice on this I would greatly appreciate it. I will be off the computer for a little while as I have to fix dinner and go pick up my daughter from her practice. <P>I will be back later tonight. In the meantime I will try very hard not to LB. He has been in a good mood since yesterday. Exceptional good mood. I am still in limbo.<P>

I wish I had some great advice for you. <P>Talk. Keeping talking, the way you have been with no lBing. You'll get through eventually.<P>Other than that, hang in there. <P>Lori

Lostva,<P>Thanks for your reply. I haven't LB'd and I haven't talked to him about it, yet.<P>He comes home from work, and winks at me, smiles and says he is feeling frisky. As I said, lately he is like this every day. I know it may sound as if I am complaining but this is such a drastic change for him. <P>And I mean DRASTIC. I am beginning to think it isn't so much me turning him on as it is his secret porn. Doesn't exactly make me feel like I am anything special. I feel more like I am a release for him. Am I wrong here? I don't know how to approach this with him without causing a major fight. <P>He gets so defensive about it. At least he always has. Maybe I should forget and go with the flow. He is here. But I can't help but wonder is he here with me?

Dev2,<P>I don't know your feelings on the porn, but maybe if he has that "outlet" at home, he can get his voyeur needs satiasfied and won't need to stray anymore. But, I do not know if yucan tolerate or accept the fact that porn iwll always be a big part of his life it sounds. Other guys, like the guy my H lives with, gets his voyeurism satisfied by going to strip clubs all the time. I would chose internet porn over this any day.<P>I doubt if he is checking htese sights out because your own sex life isn't enough. It probably has to do with him, not you at all. If I were you, I'd ask myself what harm is he doing. Does he look at these sites and then this motivates him to leave the house in search of the real thing??? Does he look at them and then turn to you when he wants the real thing??? Does he look at them and get mean or nasty??? What effect does this really have on you guys???<P>Obviously telling him to stop isn't going to work. If he has a true addiction, then his time on these sites would be interferring iwth home, work, etc. Is that true? If so, he needs some professional help and you can't make him go. Poop! <P>Hang in there...Desiree<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Dev...your Post hit sort of home for me. I remember (when my H was involved in his affair, but I didn't yet know it)...I looked in the condom box and all the condoms were gone. I think there were a few left but the box was empty. I questioned him about it and he told me that since I was on "the pill" now that we didn't need the condoms. He threw away all the condoms...yet he kept the empty box??? Doesn't that sound fishy?? He swears up & down, til he's blue in the face that he threw them away, but I don't believe him.<P>When I found out about his affair, I questioned him if he used protection. He said that they used condoms. I asked him where he got them, and he claims they were her H's. I don't believe him. I'm sure they were ours.<P>Wow...I don't even know why I wrote this, but it just hit home for me. I don't have any good advice to give you but to just be patient and keep up the Plan A. I know it's hard but you can do it.

RMA,<P>Thank you for you resonse. Your probably right as long as he isn't going else where for sex. But, In the past, yes his porn did interfer with our marriage. He was and still is consumed by it. Only difference now is he has become much more sexual with me. I have tried for seven years for it to be this way and now because he was unfaithful all of a sudden he has become this sex addict with me.<BR>This is just so weird and when we are intimate he seems like someone else. Don't know how to explain it exactly. But I fear his constant interest in the porn will lead to him getting more and more self absorbed and eventually cheat again. Don't mean to sound like it is a cause for cheating but it doesn't help if he get so into it that we end up where we were before. Does that make sense? As for me, I don't need the porn and if it was once in a while it wouldn't bother me, but it isn't with him and he won't admit to an addiction with it. He is lying about it again and this bothers me. <P>That is the main thing. Not being honest. And I can't seem to get him to understand that right now I need total honesty.<P>No Trust,<P>Thanks for your response as well. He still maintains he did not take a condom and that one had to have gotten misplaced or I miscounted or we used more than we thought. <BR>I don't trust him and it will be a long time before I can get to the point where I feel comfortable. I am trying to stay in Plan A and am praying a lot. I had a dream last night, No, a nightmare and there was this horrible evilness trying to get at me. It gives me chills just to think about it. I feel and please don't think me crazy, but I feel my H is under attack and so am I by something. I said this before and I'll say it again, I have felt Satan laughing at us and I am trying very hard to rely on God and his strengh here. Has anyone ever looked at some of these porn sites? They are evil. Some of them have CHILDERN on them. SICK.<BR>I access a site to see exactly what it was so I would not falsely accuse my H. The name didn't sound like most porn sites I had seen before so I went into it and what kept coming up was unreal. It was like my computer was being taken over and sites came up that I didn't ask for. It is really a sick world out there. As my grandpa used to say, " It takes all kinds and not a one of them is missing."

Not trying to give your H any excuses, but I once, out of curiosity, went into one of the "adult" newsgroups. I opened one message - and it caused 4 or 5 different websites to open - <B>and they wouldn't close!</B> It is possible that some of the temp files you are finding might be because of stuff that opens up on its own? Almost like a virus or worm in the software! Eerie and frustrating.<P>Sorry you are going through this!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Dev2,<P>I really understand about the lying part bothering you more than anything. My H is finally telling me the truth, again, as far as I can tell. I am not too crazy about some of the stuff he is telling me, but I don't LB, because I don't want him to lie anymore.<P>OK, right now he is lying about how much he is accessing the sites. Continue to envcourage him to be truthful about it - thatis step one. BUT, you also have to be prepared to hear the TRUTH, even if it sucks.<P>Keep working on the honesty bit. Positive reinforcement everytime he tells the nasty, ugly truth will go far and work wonders. If I were you, I'd work on the "truthfulness" aspect of this first and later as he comes around, maybe he will talk to you about some of the underlying needs for excessive porn.<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I have to go to work, but I will be back later to post my usual small novel...<BR>One thing tho, when checking the history/temp files, you have to disregard most of what you find as an average click on a porn site will open a good dozen sites you didn't ask for or even want to see. I've had windows 'pop up' on me that were so disgusting I would want to puke. So for the time being, keep some room open for the benifit of the doubt and I'll post ya later...<BR>Deut<P>

Dev~<BR>Have to tell you that like Terri I had e-mail sent to me that was illicit and have had trouble since then trying to stop it from coming. <BR>My H was much like yours, he suddenly developed a bigger interest in the making love area and said the same thing. He also started looking at these porn stuff sent to my e-mail. I was upset because I could see by the history what he had been into. I confronted him and said why was he doing this. His reply was that he was basically ashamed of himself for even looking. I believe him, society teaches us that this something truly bad and something that if we check into because of curiousity that we should be ashamed for that action. I don't know if this is the case with your H but I do know that communication needs to continue and that you need to be open to discussing it, I agree with you, that if he wishes to check things out that it should be shared, between the two of you. I pray things go well with you. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Terri,<P>Thanks for your support, I appreciate it.<P>RMA, I haven't approached this with H yet. I didn't want to start a fight. I am waiting until I can have better control of my emotions so I don't LB. We should be able to discuss this openly. We have talked about the porn in the last 2or3 weeks and I didn't get upset with him. I am trying to truly understand and offered to watch a video with him if he would want to. He seemed receptive to this, which surprized me. Since he never would welcome this before. But he is sill refusing to let me in in this area. We do need to talk about it.<P>Soullous'exH,<P>Thanks so much for your reply and I hope you do get back to me on this because I really do appreciate your advice. Things you have said to me before on this subject has helped me understand more of where a man is coming from on this. I really want to understand. And can you understand that his keeping this a secret when we are suppose to and have agreed to be totally honest with everything is what I have the most problem with? I value your opinons. <P>Chicks, Thanks for replying to me. H and I do need to talk about this as I told RMA. This secret business is only helping to feed my insecurities and doubts. I do feel he is ashamed of what he is doing, at the same time he cannot seem to stop it. As his partner I want to be clued in and I have let him know that perhaps this is something we can share so he wouldn't feel ashamed about it. But evidently he doesn't intend to share this with me and enjoys keeping it hidden. Why, I have already explained I don't have a problem with it as long as he is honest about it. I have said, as long as he is up front with me I won't get upset. It's the lying I have trouble with and if he lies about this, it causes me to wonder what else is he lying about. Is he feeding a secret desire to be with someone else? But for now he is focusing his sexual energy towards me. I'm sure some would say then leave it alone and don't complain. But I want him to be honest about his interests in this area. So I can feel assurred that we are being honest about all our feelings with each other. And if he tells me he likes doing this but feels ashamed to tell me, then I will deal with that. I guess I am different, if I had such interests I would want to share this with my partner. Guess that is where women are different from men. And I am trying to understand this. <p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited January 11, 2000).]

D2,<P>Keep reimforcing the "truth" issue. I know how hard it is to believe someone who has deceived and lied in the past, but recovery takes a lot of "truth", even if it hurts.<P>If he refuses to talk, like my H, then wait for an appropriate time to sneak in any little conversation dealing with his porn issue. Try to be gentle when addressing his problem. Let him know that you are worried about him going elsewhere to satisfy his sexual need. (Hopefully, this will sink in).<P>I tried this on my H, and it sunk in after I repeatedly said it in a nice way. If this doen't work, let me know. I'll try come up with something else. <P>Good Luck!<P>Good

Thanks Alsolost,<P>I will approach him in a nice way. I tried to get him to explain a few things about the computer and asked questions to get him into the temp files so he could see the sites where still there, and thought this could bring it up, the conversation, I mean.<P>But he had already errased these files. Oh well, so that strategy failed. I didn't know how then to bring the subject up without coming right out and hitting him with it. So I will be nice and calm. I'm not angry anyway, just confused and feelings of being lied to hurt.

hey, bringing this to the top, so that I can find it again... I promised you a reply and that you shall have... I have not forgotten

Soulloss ex'H,<P>I'll be waiting for your reply. Thanks.

ok...<BR>(huff puff)<BR>finally made it...<BR>(huff puff)<BR>ok... First off, not all porn is good porn... as was posted before, if it interferes with real life, or if he were there ALL the time, I would say you have a prob on your hands... also, if there's anything illegal (underage, for example) or really sick (we won't get into that) you would have cause for concern.<P>As for his increased sexuality, that may be due to any number of reasons. For me, porn has virtually no effect on my sex drive in fact. I would look for other reasons - oftimes, infidelity can lead people to be more sexual with their spouses, it's a way of 'reclaiming' them. I would guess, based on your posts and my understand of the porn thing, that the two are pretty much unrelated.. to be sure, there are times when a particularly hot site will get me 'in the mood' for the real thing, but it's rare.<BR>In no way, I repeat, IN NO WAY, did porn ever lead me to infidelity. In fact quite the opposite, if anything.<BR>As for him concealing it... that, to me, seems rather predictable. For example (here we go again, blush blush) I am more open with Dylan than any other woman I have ever been with. No girlfriend, nor even my ex wife has ever, EVER been invited to share my smut. I've watched the occaisional dirty movie with the odd gal, but for the most part, it is a VERY private thing. I will wait till everyone is in bed, asleep before I start surfing. If no-one is home, I will go so far as to do a tour of the house to make sure all the doors are locked before I open up any xxx pages. Sometimes I will even go further and lock myself in the bathroom- hanging a towel over the doorknob to cover the keyhole. Paranoid you say? pushaw. <P>This not to say that I don't share with Dylan on occaision, but I'd say that it's very rare, less than 5% of the time. After the affair, she did a lot of snooping, (perfectly understandable) I never deleted any temp files or history though... that would have just made it worse. <P>What it boils down to is this... if I'm feeling romanitic or in the mood for pleasure, I'll go for the real thing - namely Dylan. Porn though, is not romantic nor lovey- it's actually kind of raw and kinky and these are things I don't neccesarily associate with my wife, if you get my meaning. (blush blush) Half the things I 'look' at on the porn sites, I wouldn't even dream of doing to or with my wife.<P>As for the history and temp files, they are not an accurate representation of what your hubby is checking out. As was posted before, there are always, ALWAYS a dozen or so pop up windows/sites invading one's surfing experience. Especially when one is trying to surf the free sites. I've had as many as 2 dozen flip up onto my screen, and as soon as I close one, 2 more pop up in it's place. Sometimes it actually turns into a race... can I close em faster than they can open? Anyone wanna place bets?<P>My advice, leave it alone. Even if you snoop, don't confront him about it. He's probably mortified every time the subject comes up. I know that I was, and Dylan is VERY cool about this kind of thing, and I'm a pretty open guy to start with. (can you tell?)<P>That doesn't mean you shouldn't still bring home the occaisional movie to watch with him... That way you can get things that will appeal to you too... Dylan suggests the Tommy and Pamela video... Keep in mind though, this will not address his porn habits, just add a new one in which you are involved. Most guys, when looking for smut for their own nefarious purposes are not all that interested in story line or plot or characterization or any of that stuff.<BR>Again, if it doesn't damage you, maybe you should back off. It is way better than blowing $5/beer in a strip club or 6$ on a mag that might be found by the kids or (gasp) inlaws. <BR>So, don't worry about the porn. And don't worry if for the most part he'd rather keep it private.<BR>As for the condom thing, I dunno. There are more than one use for those things, depends how creative your hubby is. Gawd I don't want to get into this one... (blushing major furiously)<BR>hope I could be of some help,<BR>ttfn <BR>Deut

Soulloss' exH;<P>Thank you for responding don't know what I would do if I didn't have the advantage of your advice from a male perspective. Sorry to have made you huff and puff your way here.<BR>He did get into these sites, first lied about it then got honest and said he did. <P>I guess I should just leave this subject alone and let him continue to do this as long as he is here with me. I don't know if you can understand this or not, but from a woman's perspective on this right now considering the infidelity, when he give the porn so much attention I feel like he is concentrating more on that and in a way it feels like an emotional cheating. Can you understand that?<P>I am glad to have your point of view on this and it helps me to better understand what is going on in his head. If he looks at this for escape so be it I guess. I just wish he wasn't so consumed with it. I will continue to work on me and show him how much I love him. And maybe he will gradually pull away from this a little. I did explain to him that this bothers me when I am still working through the cheating and he set so much time aside for this instead of me. <P>Most of the time he views this and then finds me. Doesn't exactly make me feel that I am the one he is wanting to be with. But I will do my best to try and give him the benefit of the doubt. Thank you again for giving me your point of view on this. I do appreciate it so much and I didn't mean to cause you any embarrassment. Sorry, if I did. But you strike me as a fellow who his comfortable in his own skin and not afraid to be honest about such things. Wish H could get to that point. He does feel shame when he looks at such material, but he can't help himself I guess and I feel he throughly enjoys doing this. So I will be good and not confront anymore. You are a saint to have had so much patience with me on this subject. Guess I am so innocent(for want of a better word) about such things. But due to you I have learned much about this from a man's point of view.<BR>Deep Breath..........