Hey deut...<P>You're really busy right now, what with painting the bathroom ceiling, re-plastering the walls, taking out the bathtub, removing all the gyproc....<P>honey, slow down....you are gonna give yourself a heartattack...<P>I know you're worried....work is non-existant, money is non-existant, but to keep up this pace just to avoid the worry lest you go mad can do you no good either....<P>good lord! talk about a run-on sentence!!....<P>I know you're scared......<P>what's that Alanis song?...isn't it ironic....<P>things between us are on the brink of being the best they ever have.....but the rest of our lives in every aspect has dived to the lowest level ever.....you're scared...it's never been this bad before...<P>well, I'm here, willing to hold your hand all the way into the abyss....haven't I always...<P>I see the fear in your eyes....desperate that whatever guardian angels have gotten us this far have not abandoned us just yet.......praying in your own way, for a miracle.......<P>I love you.....<P><BR>through thick and thin<BR>through sick and sin<P>I love you....<P><BR>as to why I am posting this personal letter to you here, it's because later, when you sit down. tired and exhausted, but unable to keep yourself from seeing what's going on here, you'll take the time to read this....and you'll pay more attention to it than if I spoke to you right now.....you have 30 going on in your mind right now....I won't add to all that...lol<P>I'm worried right here with you, but I don't know how to help you...or the situation for that matter, so all I can do is be here for you and love you, and let you know that while all else is crumbling down around us in a familiar chaos pattern.....you can be secure in my love for you.....you must let go of the paranoia that I will leave you when things are at their worst.....<P>I am so here...<P>try me,....get a crowbar....give it a shot...<P>I am not going anywhere....<P>for richer for poorer.....richer would be good......but poorer....well.....it's a starting point..we have nowhere to go but up!!.....I'm frantically searching for more bad cliches to throw at you, but I'm coming up blank.....<P>Deut, Having you here is something I am ever so grateful for....we both know the precipice we teetered over, the sound of you and our son laughing is one that sends a tearful shiver down my back.....at the thought of not hearing it..not being able to ...if you were'nt here...<P>even being miffed because the kitchen is messy.....thank god I have you home to be miffed at....thank god I listened to my soul and my heart and not my head on discovery....<P>I know this board is for building your marriage after infidelity, and that is what we are doing...but, I feel ashamed at times, because we are so lucky and blessed compared to some....<P>you never left<BR>I never left<BR>I love you<BR>you love me<BR>ow is gone and powerless<BR>we are heading for recovery<P>when I read the pain on this board, or read and see so clearly what somebody could, should, or won't, do....and then there are the posts that make one actually get up and walk away from the computer, and go punch a wall....in frustration, aggravation and plain old...you idiot!!!!!!! rantings...but I digress....<P>it is those times I seek you out, put my arms around you and hold on tight....so grateful that I have you here with me...grateful that I have the choice of waking up beside you...grateful that our son does not know what is is like to visit at 'daddy's house'.....that your eldest son has not had his world ripped out from under him....<P>so grateful for so very many things...<P>I love you....<P><BR>you just came in here...i shooed you away, and now you're sitting across the office form me, tinkering with my guitar...god, you know your way to my heart..you look so sweet...now you've gone and made me smile....<P>that's worth alot more to me then money....<P>don't worry....<P>worst case scenario...we live out of the mini-van...hey! I was a 'deadhead' for how long? if anyone knows how to live out of a van and be a nomad....baby....it's me...<P>I love you<P><BR>Dylan.<BR><P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce

Sorry to butt in to your personal letter but I have to tell you that it is one of the most beautiful I have ever read. My H needs to read it, but....maybe someday. I am envious of the love that you two have for each other. Isn't love grand???!!!

and you keep pulling on the old heartstrings there, love....<P>you with our sleepless toddler cuddled up on your lap, asking for hugs, telling you what a good job you are doing fixing my 'puter...lol...illuminated by the computer...<P>he, pushing the limits, even for a 3 and a half year old who can't sleep.....the patience you have, where the evil twin this summer would have been yelling a blue streak at him to get back to bed.....<P>I want you to know that I DO see the changes...and it makes my heart swell....<P>you both look so beautiful.....and happy....this is why I'm still here..because all this beauty, patience, passion, love, and oh so much more is there..in you...<P>and in us....<P><BR>Dylan<P><P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce

Hon, You're the greatest <BR>now lemme give you a hand with that squirming lil dude, lol...<BR>D

Dylan,<BR>I just had to post and say that, your letter to Deut, was awesome. You guys sound like you're "on the brink" of one he!! of new journey together. Keep it up you two.

thank you Arik.<P>we will keep it up...I'm sure there may be an emotional roadblock or hurdle to get over every now and again...but, having him home, COMMITTED to me and OUR life together...KNOWING he has NO CONTACT makes all the difference in the world with regards to my attitude....<P>ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD............<P>Dylan<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce

D,<P>Hang on a sec while I wipe the tears from my eyes...<P>Ok...thats better.<P>You guys are an inspiration as to what could be.<P>It warms my heart and makes me smile to hear your praises for each other.<P>Thank You,<P>Bill<P><BR>P.S. wanna trade some bootleg tapes. I've got hundreds.<P>You guessed it I have been to quite a few shows myself...lol<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Sigh!!!<P>You guys give me all sorts of hope!<P>Lori

Lori.....I give you hope??????????<P>listen, oh lady whom I admire so very much........your letter to your H was my inspiration...I kid you not...no BS from me....I really felt so lucky to be able to write that AND to be able to give it to him, that in honor of you, that is what I did...you may not be able to send your H your letter, but I sent mine and thought of you.........<P>(((((((((((LORI)))))))))))<P>thank you for the inspiration and those love notes in the coffee jar worked beautifully.....thank you for that idea too...i tell you, if my marriage works out, I'm gonna owe you big!!.....lol...<P>William...........<P>what shows? what years?? I'm sitting here in glee...i should have known..i had a 'feeling' about you...strictly platonic...Lol...but a 'feeling' nonetheless...I have a couple of VERY RARE 1966,67 and 68 recordings.....dead with Janis....Avalon ballroom and my one tape that I will be buried with....the Grateful Dead at Ken Kesey's farm......received from the archives of the great Kesey himself....<P>my son, hilariously enough, was born during the last chorus of 'one mor saturday night', with the sliding guitar riff right into friend of the devil.....LOL...I warn everyone not to mess with him...he be blessed by Jerry!...LOL....so, william, a fellow nomad...sigh......I know that there are 'parts' you don't miss.....but I miss the traveling circus my friend...give yourself the biggest hug.......I knew it!!!!!!<P>ps, did Abbey ever decide to eat anything else? we had chicken nuggets for lunch and I laughed suddenly, thinking of you....<P>hoping so very much that you and yours are well.....<P>Dylan

I have a hard time getting into some of the sixties stuff.<P>I have almost every show from spring 1988.<P>The three Hampton shows are hands down the best in my collection.<P>Scarlett-Fire-Estimated-Eyes...out of control.<P>I miss the music most of all.<P>The scene started to get scarry at the end...too many cops...<P>...I got no chance of loosin this time...<P>Bill <P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

oh my gosh......<P>i was at the hampton shows!!!!<P>the cops were evil!!!!<P>the east coast shows were always scarier than west coast..got my picture in the hartford connecticut paper....under the label....freaks arrive...LOLOLOLOL.....my shining moment...new years 87/88...oakland california....leaned up against a door after show.....crowd of people suddenly surround me.....jerry and bob....jerry needs a light....my boyfriend at the time just slid to the concrete.....I always make a great impression.....LOL<P>hey....you must have hartford on tape.....terrapin..bizarre...dark star......<P><p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited January 12, 2000).]

<BR>Hampton was my first shows...eched in my mind forever.<P>Half of my Deadhead buddies are in jail and the other half are now preppies...me included...lol<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

remember those girls you would always see...the ones with the long hair, daisy chains in it, blowing bubbles, dressed in technicolor dreamcoats, granny skirts, walking around barefoot?<P>yup......thats pretty much what I still look like....well, no daisy chains..it is winter after all....<P>dylan

lol...I should have guessed you were a hippy chick...lol<P>Did you have a drum? Remember the drum circles in the hallway behind the stage?<P>I got Abbey a tie die at the beach this summer...<P>One of her favorite songs is Jerry's Don't Let Go...<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

we have drum circles here in a downtown park every sunday afternoon....they move it indoors for winter......<P>they had to give us a place to go....lol...<P>yes, bill, I am indeed a hippy chick...completely, utterly, and with as much joy and wild abandon (within reason) as I can muster.....<BR>but for hampton, no, I didn't have the drum yet....lol....it's coming back....its not quite as blurry.....nope....gone in a smoky haze.....I am amazed I survived...lol<P>dylan

Well I'm going to go to sleep w/little colored bears dancing in my head.<P>Thanks for bringing thiose fun memmories up.<P><BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>