He wants to be my "buddy" even have sex with<BR>me once in a while; but, he doesn't want to<BR>be married to me anymore. <BR>He says there is noone else. Circumstantial evidence, and lots of it, indicate otherwise.<BR>Up until New Year's Eve, we had been living in limbo(again). I still had hopes we could<BR>work it out. We were having sex and getting along during the holidays. Of course, the sex meant much more to me than it did to him.<BR>We had planned to do something on New Year's Eve; but, he had to go into work and go through a checklist after midnight and the following morning d/t Y2K fears. I suggested, by phone, that I could meet him in Houston, we could go out, ring in the New Year TOGETHER and then I could tag along. Remember he lives in Houston 6 days out of 7! Anyway, after a long discussion/argument, he agreed I could go that night, probably thinking,"no one will be there" but said I could not go with him sat morning and I would<BR>"carry my candy@ss back to *******(our home town). He said he would not play host and I had "no business tagging long". I continued to question why I couldn't go, what he was hiding, etc, he gave up and told me,"I'm going to divorce your @ss anyway," when I continued to press him to allow me to tag along on a check of the bldgs. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to "finally show me where he works" and<BR>perhaps "introduce me to people he works with". He'd have no part of that. Those of you who know my story, understand this is just another example of him maintaining a "secret life" in Houston, which I know nothing about. When he made the statement<BR>about the divorce, I asked,"Do you mean that?" He said he did and I haven't seen him since. What a way to bring in the New Year huh? I spent my New Year's Eve playing one of my kid's Gameboy, with my CD blaring CREED so that I wouldn't hear the clocks in my house chiming midnight. That's how I SURVIVED yet another New Year's Eve without him.<BR>Now I need to know how I'm going to survive divorcing him? I love him and my Mom says I probably always will. The thought of that makes me panic! I don't want to love him and at the same time hurt like this forever!<BR>He's been a part of my life for so long, it's like I can't imagine life without him in it.<BR>I cry to my Mom and say,"I don't want to be alone!". She says,"You HAVE BEEN ALONE!" She's right. Our separation started about 3 years ago, when he'd work late and didn't think it made sense to drive so far to come home. For the last 2 he's come home on weekends. For the last year he comes home only on Sundays. I don't even know where he lays his head down at night or even where his toothbrush is! Why can't I just let him go?<BR>God help me, how do I get over him and move on? <P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Kyra</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm so sorry for you...<P>Know that I'm praying for you strength...<BR>Wherever your path may lead... <P>Be there for you kid(s)...<BR>I rely on mine too...<P>Many prayers to you! <P>Jim

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Oh, I am so sorry. I know how much this hurts.<P>Please take care of yourself. Give yourself some time. It will feel a little better.<P>I'll be praying for you.<P>Lori

Being alone and abandoned New Years Eve really sucks, I know, I've been there <P>You will have to figure out your feelings for him and what kind of life you want, but I wouldn't recomment that you let him have his cake and eat it too. My advice would be to make the "separation" more real not letting him come back whenever he needs you just to leave again as soon as his needs are fulfilled and you're left even more drained.<BR>Go for plan B if you want him back or divorce if you've had enough, but anyway I think that councelling might also be a very good idea to help you get over the agony.

Oh Kyra, I remember you. I had hoped things had gotten better. I wish I had some great advice to give you. But I just don't.<BR>Hmmm, I live in Houston, maybe we can find a way to do a little tracking of this situation ?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>email me if you want<P>dkohb@yahoo.com<P>Prayers going up Kyra.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Repeating in your head his words, "I'm gonna divorce your *ss" should help. <P>You're going to have to compartmentalize your marriage, I think...rage at who your H is now and remember fondly when he was different.<P>Then repeat, over and over again. "I deserve to be treasured. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve a man who loves me. I deserve a good life." Do this first thing in the morning and last thing at night.<P>Keep busy. Join something. Don't go to singles bars or singles events, but join things that interest you. (Gee, I sound like my mother used to. ). Build a life. Stay positive.<P>It's going to take time, but it WILL get better, I promise.<P>Others here may disagree, but with all this, I think it's time to move on.<P>As far as your H wanting to be your buddy, well, that's up to you. But if you want to remain on good terms (and if you have children, that's practically mandatory), by all means do. But this does NOT mean you have to do it on his terms, i.e. sex-buddies. Setting the terms for your post-divorce relationship is as much for YOU to do as for him. Empower yourself. Take control. Take care of YOU.

HI Kyra!! ((((hugs))))<BR>How is school going? <BR>Your h wins the pinhead of the week award. <BR>You have been living without him for at least 2 yrs...maybe longer. Maybe always? Your mother is wise, listen to her. And she really loves you, cares for you. <BR>What are you doing to protect you and the kids if you are his sex-buddy occasionally? You have no idea who else he has been with, and I would not thnk it is one woman. Be smart, be wary.<BR>Gee, it sounds like I am promoting divorce here at MB! I am truly promoting that you take care of Kyra and your kids. It really worries me my dear. Take this seriously. <BR>I say go to a full plan b. No more being nice, being friends when he wants, sex when he feels like it. Wayyyy too risky. No contact, let him see the kids at a frineds or relatives house, or leave him with the kids at your house.<BR>I have a terrible feeling that you are being used and set-up here Kyra. Be careful.

Kyra,<BR>Hi, I am so sorry about your situation. I don't want a D either but he wants one real bad. He sounds so verbally abusive. Don't have sex with him...Like you said it means more to you than to him. One time, after my H left he said he would love to come over and have sex but he doesn't want to play games with me or mess up my head. At first I thought...play games with me....mess with my head....please. But thank goodness I said no thank you. It hurt me real bad to know that he still fely "okay" having sex with me and getting a D. I am one of those people who just doesn't feel right having sex unless we are both in love with each other. I found it disgusting that he could actually use me like that. I too, had been going it alone for a long time prior to the D. He was here in body.....but certainly not in soul. But I do miss his physical presence. I do love him still...even after all of this crap he has/is putting the girls and I through. It does get easier.....different.....but the votes aren't all the way in on the it gets better part. I still can't imagine loving or being with anyone else but him. Makes me kind of sad.<BR>Nancy

Wow. Thanks for all the replies. <P>NSR- sometimes my kids are the only things<BR>that keep me going! So many times I've thought,"I wish I had never married him!"<BR>Then I think,"then I wouldn't have my children". They're the best things that<BR>have happened to me. And thank u for those<BR>prayers...for a very long time I've felt<BR>my prayers go no higher than the ceiling.<P>lostva- If time does heal, I do hope<BR>I feel better...and soon. thanks!<P>Sadman- He does have his cake and eat it too!<BR>I contributed to this situation long ago by loving him and not demanding he come home every night. When he started working in Houston, he agreed to the commute everyday"just like his Dad has been doing for years". I didn't want him driving so late and risking him getting killed. He's been living a single man's life and I've been allowing him to have his family on Sundays. You're so right! I am drained! Plan B might just be the ticket!thank u<P>Bozos_Deb- I plan to be in touch with you via email. thank you for your addy<P>Dazed & Confused- I must admit I laughed out loud when I read your first suggestion.<BR>Amazing considering how down I've been about him. I'm cutting and pasting your words, among a few others, to folder on my desktop.<BR>I do DESERVE so much more! I do! I do!<BR>(not believing it yet but with practice )<P>cl- HI! I go back to school Jan. 18th after which I have about 4 months and it's<BR>G-R-A-D-U-A-T-I-O-N!! May 12th at 1930 to be exact! I have mixed emotions about graduating. I'm scared and excited but also sad. <P>mental- you sound like you're in a very similar situation and you nailed it. My H has<BR>been emotionally and verbally abusive. It<BR>takes courage to admit; but, there has been<BR>violence too. Some may remember his stomping my cellphone in the floor. What I haven't confided is last May he twisted my finger and almost broke it. It was swollen for days and to this day still isn't "right". I was smart enough and had my Mom snap some photos, which I'm keeping just in case. Even<BR>though the photos were taken a couple days later, my finger in the picture is obviously larger than the same finger on the opposite hand! There have been other sporadic physical abuses by him. Little things that I know could turn into BIG things. <BR>Re reading what I just wrote makes me think<BR>what an idiot I am for wanting someone like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I've got to get rid of this fantasy. John is<BR>NEVER going to be the husband I DESERVE(that's for you Dazed&Confused). <P><P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>