Steve Harley told me that an affair usually lasts about 6 mos once it sees the light of day. Unfortunately, my H's affair hasn't yet. I believe his affair started 8/98 and I found out about it 11/98. I confronted him and he left the house that night. We tried to reconcile 3/99 but that didn't work. I believe he was in withdrawel and started up again with OW. <P>Throughout this whole ordeal, H has never admitted to the affair. He says that they are just good friends, possibly emotional, but nothing more. OW is an employee and was laid off in 3/99 and now H rehired her 6/99 after he filed for divorce.<P>How long did your affairs last? Who ended it? Did you keep denying it to your spouse? Did it finally see the light of day before reality hit? What really constitutes an affair seeing the light of day? At any time did you feel it would be easier to move on with your life instead of working on your marriage? Your answers and input would be so helpful to me to get through this.<P>I keep going crazy trying to figure out what my H is thinking. Since this all started he has alienated everyone, especially his family--he comes from a very close-knit family.<P>I know H has a lot of pressure. He just bought his partner out in their business and I gave birth to our 2nd child 4/99. We also started having financial problems about 1.5 yrs ago. His mom said he is very depressed and unhappy lately and seeking out a therapist. Is this a good sign for me?<P>By the way, I have been in Plan B since 5/99. Lately, I have been having a little more contact with him when he picks up the kids for visitation. I am contemplating telling him AGAIN that I love him and want nothing but him back in my life and for our marriage to work. What do you think? <P>I do know that an affair is a symptom of problems in our marriage. H has always said how horrible our marriage was, but it wasn't. I thought we had a pretty good one. He was my best friend and I thought I was his. <P>On an end note, H has said in the past that if we were to get back together again that our marriage would never be the same again. I told him I didn't want it the same, I wanted better. The biggest thing in our marraige used to be TRUST. We never had to question each other about anything--it was just understood.

Jackie, <BR>I have always been taught to prepare for the worse so I suggest telling yourself it is over and try to get on with your life but.... before you do ...yes tell him you still love him and want to have a better marriage..if you truly believe that you are partly to blame tell him why...and then if no response ...move on and know you did all that you could...and you are a special person and you will have someone if not him to share your dreams with...make sure that someone appreciates you....smiles...<P>------------------<BR>INLOVE.....<BR>LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS HOPING WE ALL HAVE ONE...<P>

Jackie,<P>Your post is so long and there's so much information you want! I'll try to answer your questions with my experiences, but I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not really a big help cuz I'm way too messed up myself!<P>I've had two affairs. The first one was 10 years ago and lasted (off and on) for about a year. It started out emotional and became physical. I broke it off because I couldn't bear the double life thing anymore. Originally I told my wife about it and said I would end it, but it continued for that year until I called it off. I denied many things about that first affair until very recently.<P>The second affair lasted approximately 3 or 4 months. It was purely emotional. My wife found out because of undeleted email. The OW ended it because she didn't want to become any more responsible for breaking apart my marriage then she already was. I was mostly honest about the second affair after discovery, but I did keep secret how many times I contacted the OW after she broke it off (I recently admitted these secrets as well).<P>I'm not sure what you mean by the affair "seeing the light of day"? Do you mean when it comes out in the open? Or do you mean, when the affair officially became an "affair"? Please clarify, and I'll try to answer as best I can.<P>I've wondered daily if it would be easier to leave my marriage. The answer I keep coming up with is yes and no. Yes because then both my wife and I would find a certain peace of mind. But no because then a whole miriad of other problems would come into play -- the biggest one being my 9 yr old son, who would be devastated if we divorced.<P>Your husband's statement that your marriage was always terrible is fairly typical of betrayers. They usually see things through the filter of their addiction to the OP. Therefore, they never really loved their spouse, their spouse is horrible, their marriage is horrible, etc. I fall under the "never really loved their spouse" category.<P>I'm not sure if his going to therapy is a good sign for you or not, but it's definitely a good sign for him, and in the long run, it might turn out good for you! If you tell your husband that you still want to work on things, you must do it in a way that exudes self-confidence and self-reliance. Don't make him think that you are desperate or needy.<P>Well, as I said, I don't know how much help I've been, but if you have any more specific questions, I'll try to answer them...<P>--airheart<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 26, 1999).]

Airheart,<P>She means when the affair is out in the open & the spouse knows about it.<P>A very, very good book is After The Affair by Janice Spring.

So then if I go by Chris's interpretation, here's how I'd answer your questions:<P>1. "Did it finally see the light of day before reality hit?" I guess what you mean is -- did it take my wife finding out before reality hit? For the first affair, no it didn't. I can definitely say I was still in la-la land. It carried on even after my wife knew. She just didn't know it carried on.<P>For the second affair, I was well aware of the reality of the situation right from day one. Didn't help me any. <P>2. "What really constitutes an affair seeing the light of day?" I guess for me, the affairs "saw the light of day" when my wife found out about them.<P>Chris mentioned the book After The Affair. I read that. It is good. But you have to be receptive of the ideas for it to be really helpful. When I first read the book I wasn't very receptive at all. It just didn't "apply" to me. My situation was too different. What she was saying wasn't specifically speaking to me. Whatever! I'm sure that was withdrawal kicking in. I DO know that any book in the world, no matter how good, won't help unless you want it to.<P>hope I'm some little help Jackie,<BR>--airheart