Well I just got off the phone with my lawyer in regards to withdrawing my petition for divorce. He said I have two options the first is to do nothing and the divorce will not proceed unless my H's lawyer files a motion to proceed or I can withdraw completely. He advised to do nothing. That way it would force my husband to proceed if he wanted to and I would not lose the filing fee. Would it mean more if I withdrew completely? I'm not sure at least by not doing anything more I am showing him that it isn't what I want unless he presses it. Not that the money means alot but it is something to think about. The lawyer said he would do whatever I wanted. Any thoughts?

bc,<P>I started to write a whole bunch of conditions... then realized... <B>it doesn't matter</B>...<P>If you love him...<BR>If you want him back...<BR>If you have plans to reconcile...<P>simply withdraw the divorce petition.<P>If he wants to divorce...<BR>leave the guilt with him...<P>In <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... unless it is a matter of "protection"... don't file for a divorce!<P>Pay the price of losing the filing fee... yes... admit (even to him) it was a mistake... caught up in the heat of the moment.<BR>If he files again... you'll have to re-pay the fee again... but with the knowledge to you and your H... you're doing everything you can to keep the marriage together...<P>That may hit him on the head some day! <BR>Gently of course... <P>Jim

I too have filed for divorce. The reason I did was because H is close to buying a condo and when he did he was going to file and ask for custody of our son. Also even though the condo would be half mine, the more debt we have the less money I would be awarded. I will need maintanance plus child support because at this time I am a house wife.<BR>I filed last week. I have told my H and he said he smiled when he read my email telling him. BUT then we go out to dinner Sun night and get a hotel and have great sex and everything click for us.<BR>SO.......I am like you, what do I do now. I cannot lose the$2500it cost to file because I had to borrow it froms friends and family. Though my marriage means more to me than the money. But I too am having second thoughts. Did you ask your lawyer about draging it out as long as possible. I was wondering about that so maybe the extra time will help my H. I was more concerned about the condo and custody.<BR>I posted yesterday and everyone said if you do not want a divorce than stop it. But legal seperation is the other option, but then if I had to file later for divorce it would cost another $2500. Geeezzz....Who would have thought a year ago that we would be in this situation. I sure did not.<BR>LMK what you are going to do. I will check on you later.

Well, as I replied on your other post, I simply did nothing. My doing nothing caused the divorce porceedings to not go any further. Like my3kids, I also borrowed the money for the lawyer fees, and if I withdrew my petition and then later had to proceed with the divorce, either because I wanted to or he filed, I would have had to have the money to start from square 1. I do not have this money, so I decided not to completely withdraw. IMHO, I would do nothing, your divorce proceedings will not continue and that is what you want for now, right? As far as you H, I would just tell him that you've decided to not pursue the divorce at this time because you want to be with him, or however you might say it to him. Anyhow, let us know what you decided. My prayers are with you.

<B>my3kids</B>...<BR>As I replied to you earlier...<BR><B>Your's</B> is a "protection" issue. Don't feel bad about it... I'm hoping that your's too can be dragged out for as long as possible... $2,500 sound very high for an application fee ... isn't this the just the retainer for your lawyer?... In my state... any money <B>not</B> spent by the lawyer from the retainer must be returned to the client (this is the only good law I know about in my state so far!) I don't know the laws in your state of bc's state.<P>My divorce... is at the point where <B>I</B> can drag it out no longer... because my W is pushing... pushing... pushing...<P><B>bc</B>...<BR>I don't know if your's is or isn't a "protection" issue... Yes, money is money... how much you can afford to lose is up to you... I'd (in my situation) willing to pay off my wife's $25,000+ debt owed to my son for misappropriating SS funds... just to get her back... but she fights coming back to me with a vengence I have never seen in her, at any time in her life... d@mn addiction!<P>Prayers for a thoughful decision... <P>Jim<BR>

Thanks for the posts. I feel better already. I know that I could completely withdraw but I too had to come up with $2000 and that is not an easy thing to do. (borrow from parents) This way nothing will proceed unless I change my mind or if he has his lawyer push things. Even if this happens I can still withdraw and push him to file. If he files, he will have to do a legal separation because he has no grounds for cruel and inhumane treatment like I do. That would mean 1yr apart. Hopefully when I tell him this he will realize what I did I did for the wrong reasons and that if the OW pressures for the divorce he will have to make a move. If she wants him so much maybe she should worry about divorcing her husband instead of getting mine to divorce me.

Hey Guys,<BR>The filing fee was $180.00 But I thought if I withdrew I would lose my retainer fee also. I will not get a refund if he does not use all the money either. He charges $100 a hour. So I have (or had) a 25 hour credit with which to use on the divorce. I am sure he has used like 5 hours up already. I had a long talk with my H and he is to stressed at work (about his affair, people are using as a excuse why they got demoted ect) that he says he just does not have it in him to work on us. Now he is thinking of moving to a city 2 hours away to look for another job. If that is the case he would not drag our son with him, at least I do not think so. And also he would not be buying a condo. It is like a cat and mouse game and the OW is the cheese. I want to be the cheese, I want to be his wife. But my first thing to think about is my kids and our well being. I want to email him and say that I am not going through with the divorce as yet to give us more time. But then if he says he wants it I will be hurt again. I also do not think my H has any idea it is going to cost him $2500 for a retainer also. so this mess is going to cost us $5000 total and all for a whore at work. When will they wake up? What will it take to make them wake up? I do not know.<BR>Have you decided what to do. Let me know more about your lawyer and fees. I live in MO. My H can get an uncontested divorce even though I have done nothing. Talk to you later, and thanks Jim for following my story. I hope yours has a happy ending too!

It is true that the filing fee was only $175 or something like that and the retainer was $2000. The contract I signed does stipulate that if I choose not to go thru with the divorce a resonable amount for the work done will be subtracted from the retainer and the rest returned. However if I withdraw and my husband files I would have to pay a new retainer and if the divorce went thru then they get the whole thing wether the hours add up to it or not. I am in NY so there is no no-fault divorce. There has to be grounds of which I have because of the affair but my husband would be hard pressed to prove cruel and inhumane treatment on my part. So it leaves legal separation for a year and then a divorce. One of my reasons for wanting to postpone things is because I believe the OW is pushing him to get divorced and she lovebusts so to speak when he calls me when he is with her or comes home to me. I would really like to call her and tell her that he still shares a bedroom with me and hugs me and tells me he cares about me. I am sure he is telling her the opposite. But I guess that would just make him mad at me and run to her. I am sure after awhile she will realize that he does continue to come home to me to our house not hers. And hopefully she will hear through the grapevine seeing she finds out alot of things that go one (small chatty town) that I have decided not to persue the divorce so she can stew about that for awhile and show my H her true ugly colors.

I just wish the OW in my case would start LB big time. but my H birthday was sat and she was the only one to wish him happy birthday. His kids did not even think about it. he told me this on sun during our long talk. he said he cried when whe wished him happy birthday. well, what was i suppose to do, i had just filed for divorce and he says it is in everyones best interest. I mean should he start missing us some. So I did go out and buy a card from the kids and one from me. I gave them to him after our hotel night. Also I have this big hickey on my neck and my kids have all seen it. We did laugh about that a little since I was on my way to a girl scout meeting. What to do? It is like a am waffleing more than him. But we really connected again on Sun night. But when he droped me off he was shaking again. So what are you going to do? Are you going to do nothing? I might email my H and say lets give this some time and not pursue it at this time,but I am not giving up the restraining order from him buying a condo, I dont care how long he has to live at his parents.<BR>Have you though about our H respect for us. My therapist says he repect me more and maybe want me back if I stand up to him and tell him no. But that is not in plan A. Jim are you out there? What do you think about respect and plan A?<BR>I will check on you later!

<B>my3kids</B>...<P>I think you know how I feel about it... i.e.<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You have to protect your family...<BR>If you were married to someone addicted to gambling and they gambled away every last dime... or worse put you into inescapable debt/poverty... who suffers (not your spouse, not even you as much...) <B>it's the kids</B>!)<P>Marriage, when children are involved, is there for the <B>family unit</B>... You kill the future of the family unit when you hurt the children!... and then... future family's are hurt... spreading the seed of infidelity... and the poison of the affair.<P>Off my soap box...<P>But... you'd be suprised to hear me tell you... I'm not saying stand up for <B>your</B> respect... <B>your</B> self worth... <B>your</B> dignity!<BR>Stand up for the kids!!!<BR>Yes protect you (physically)...<BR>Yes protect your kids (physically)...<BR>Ensure them of a life without poverty!<P>But... <B>You</B>... if you get help... can build yourself up emotionally, an spiritually... even financially.<BR>You have the rest of your life to rebuild you...<BR>Your children (especially young ones) can get crippled for life... if you don't protect them.<P>Sorry I'm so "child"-centric in my thinking... it's just the way I am...<P>If you've read my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>... you know how I think about being the "doormat"...<BR>It can't last for ever (no doubt about it)... but I know some "doormats" that have weathered some very rough times. <P>Ok... again off my soap box...<P>Jim

Well I was planning to tell my H tonight that I am not pursuing the divorce because I want to work on our marriage. Then out of the blue he called me at work which usually means he wants something(money). He wanted to know what time I would be home so that he could have dinner ready. What a shock. It isn't that he doesn't cook it is just that to actually cook for me. I am not getting too positive because maybe he is doing it so he can butter me up or something. Trust not much of it lately. Or maybe if he goes out tonight and sees the OW he will be less guilty in making me dinner. I am so negative. I will just make the most of it and go from there. He had said that he was going to see a friend (guy that is) but you never know.

bc,<P>How about shocking him... <BR>Don't just make the most of it!!!!<P>Bring home a small bouquet of flowers...<BR>Or a pack of cigars...<BR>Or whatever... keep it small (don't overwhelm him)...<P>Give him a tad more than a peck on the cheek... (no gum sucking please... oh that's unlike me...)<P>Get yourself in a more comfortable outfit...<P>Complement the meal... even if is worth complementing...<P>Say nothing about OW... your day... or pet peves...<P>turn it around 180 degrees...<BR>But keep it Plan A!<P>sheepish <P>Jim

I think Jim has the right idea. Shock him tonight and be great. That is what i did on sun night. I met my h at the bar and grill, he ordered me a drink (though I am not a big drinker) and we played 4 games of pool. We had a gob of laughs and scratches. At the end we did not know who was stripe and who was solids. He said if I won i could have what ever I wanted. Well I got a wonderful night. Though I emailed him yesterday and told him, I did not get a response. <BR>Jim always has great advice, if you are there Jim thanks from us all.<BR>So I have to decided too what do about my divorce. For now I am going to see how my H reacts. I really want to make this work. <BR>LMK what you decide, I will check back later.

Thanks for the advice. I would get him a beer or two but that is part of the problem when he wants to see the OW. He drinks and then gets feeling bad and calls her so I don't want that. Maybe just a hug and change from my work clothes seeing I usually don't do that when I get home. I will try very hard not to bring up the subject of him going to visit his guy friend tonight like he had mentioned. Maybe he will decide not to. If he goes there then the bar he sees the OW at is on the way home from there. She works until 11pm so he would have to call her and then meet her after his visit at his friends house. I don't want to think bad thoughts but that is exactly what happened last week and she left her work ID behind so I would know. Should I tell him at dinner that I am not proceeding with the divorce?????

I would not tell him at first, see how he is and how he reacts to you. If he is flirty and friendly and attentive. Maybe he wants to ask you to postpone. I did the plunge and emailed my H and said lets just hold of a while and see where things go for us. It makes me wonder now that H knows I have filed he is more open with me and that was why we had a great time sun night. Though like I said before he was shaking when he dropped me off and was quiet on the way home. He has told me before when having sex with me he felt like he was cheating on OW. But I did tell my H and I feel better for it. He may email me back and say no, this is what he wants then I will drag it out as long as I can. But i cant lose my retainer. My friends and family would be furious if they knew i emailed him and wante to hold on the divorce, they are tired of me getting hurt and him using me.<BR>I want to know all about tonight. I will pray for us both. What ever happens I will always feel that the betrayer will be the loser in this game. They may not know it now, but they will when their bubble, fantasy world, fantasy island, lala land crumbles beneath them.