My problem is, I believe, far different from any I have read on this website. I will try to explain my feelings, but fear that I will be well and truly trounced upon. I am willing to risk the negative feedback in the hopes of gleaning something that will help me in my marriage - something that is worth any flaming I may receive. This is kind of a "preventative measures" act. Here is my story and I apologize in advance for the length …<P>I was raised within a family that is successful and rather prominent in our area, and one that is generally held in high esteem. While away at school, I met my husband and we started to date. His family background is very different from mine. My family readily accepted him, although I believe they may have initially thought it was a passing fancy. They were (and are) impressed with his many qualities, and of course the fact that he makes no secret of his devotion to me cements their acceptance. He has always been a kind and generous man, who readily provides the intangibles that many women feel are missing in their relationships. He showers me with gifts and compliments, is thoughtful and demonstrative and a wonderful lover. As arrogant as it sounds, after many years, I am still the love of his life. I am aware of it, and so is everyone else. On my part, I love him dearly and he can still make my heart flutter with just a look. <P>We have enjoyed a passionate and committed marriage. The one major disappointment in our lives turned into a joyous event with the long-awaited birth of our miracle child. We were truly blessed. <P>We do not live in the manner which I was raised, instead we live within his means. While I admit I like fine things, it truly doesn't bother me, however I believe it bothers him that he cannot provide me with the lifestyle the rest of my family enjoy. Recently as we were visiting my family, he vowed to see me in a such a house someday if it killed him doing it. Well, of course it would, and I'm really not that interested. <P>Here is the part that portrays me as an ungrateful witch. I work and associate with many well-educated professionals and high-profile personalities. I find myself attracted to this type of person. As I have said, my husband is a wonderful man and is very attractive physically. However, I find myself yearning for more sophisticated and intellectual interaction than I receive from him. Sometimes I know I sound condenscending, and even short-tempered. I often confide in another person instead, and together we have animated discussions about events and subjects that I know would be beyond my husband. I'm becoming more attracted, intellectually, to the other person as time goes on and the intellectual attraction is starting to become a physical one. I know the feelings are reciprocated, and if I were to encourage it, a full-fledged affair would start. This is NOT what I want. <P>I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage, and it would kill me to ever hurt my husband, but I am certainly tempted. How do I deal with this? If I were to be honest with my husband and confess my feelings would it devastate him? I don't want to lose his trust or his affection. Would it be better to say nothing and work on this myself? <P>While I could leave my job, I cannot disassociate myself my family and friends, who highlight the same sort of chasm between my husband and myself. I feel that my natural animation and enthusiasm has deteriorated considerably over time, sparking to life when I am with my family and friends. <P>What I write may appear to be immodest and arrogant. For that I apologize, but please understand that I am trying to be brutally honest. Much of what I have written here I have never verbalized or even mentally acknowledged to myself. I am willing to strip all false pride and false modesty if it means I can prevent my family from going down the slippery, glass-edged path I can imagine.<P>Sarah

Sarah:<P>Although I find a few oxymorons in your description of your marriage, it seems to me that this is the issue:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>However, I find myself yearning for more sophisticated and intellectual interaction than I receive from him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He's not meeting your need for conversation (or other EN's associated with "intellectual interaction"). <P>Harley's Rules for a Successful Marriage are Protection (no lovebusters), Care (meet emotional needs), Honesty (complete, total), and Time (spend time with one another).<P>You're violating this Honesty policy by not letting him know. You should do that. He's not meeting an important need (and it's got to be huge if you're actually thinking of having an affair while married to a nearly perfect husband). That's where his work will need to be done.<P>You need to be honest. And you also need to avoid situations where you're putting yourself in "peril". If I'm on a diet, I don't go into a bakery and sit in front of cheesecakes all day. You need to eliminate contact with 'intellectual' members of the opposite sex. No close friendships at ALL!!!<P>As far as your family and friends, I think that you may want to limit contact with them while you're actively working on your marriage---but I don't think that this is the primary issue.

Welcome <B>Sarah</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sarah... you've just heard it from the best... <B>K</B>!<P>I'll give you my standard welcome wagon spiel... use the quick links to find out more of the mechanics of the recovery of an affair (or one imagined in your mind)...<P>As far as books to consider... I'll mention one that even more than just "intellectually" you can derive great benefit from... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman!<P>Now for some backgorund...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards... possibly yourself...) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! The ideas <B>K</B> outlined are not incongruent with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. In fact as a marriage style... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> would do well for every married individual!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Don't be afraid to open up here... Nobody get bashed... and we have many waywards here to whom you can direct your questions!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience emotions that we though could never exist.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<BR>Becoming a wayward doesn't exclude you from these feelings, in fact they may be more intense for the wayward than the betrayed!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>For now... listen to <B>K</B>...<BR>he knows of what he speaks!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hello SaraLee, allow me to address K for a moment:<P>K... love ya lots, but c'mon... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You need to eliminate contact with 'intellectual' members of the opposite sex.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> What's she suppose to do?? She works with men who are intellectual. Me too... see a pattern? Me too! But what is she suppose to do... "I'm sorry Joe, I can't do that project with you because you're intellectual. Bob, you're pretty stupid, how about you?? See the problem, K??<P>Sara,<P>The one thing that rings out loud and clear is that you are thinking about your life thus far - reassessing if you will. I was in your *exact* situation. I came from a family with money, vacations to the Carribian, braces on my teeth... my H was poor, vacations were visits to relatives, and he never had his teeth tended until we married. When I turned 40, I began to reassess, and boy, was I disappointed.<P>Maybe this is just a phase, maybe not. But you are gonna have to use everything you've got to do the right thing. I didn't, I'm afraid, and I am paying <B>dearly</B> for it! You will hate yourself if you get involved with someone outside of your marriage, you will die a million deaths inside (because you are a person of integrity) you will watch your H wither away into a shell (if he's like all the other betrayeds, and it takes time to even <B>begin</B> to heal) and most of all... you will hate yourself. There are some here who aren't to the "hate yourself" place yet, but it will come. And if you're like me, at some point, you just may want to kill yourself. I did something that I've never told anyone here... and I won't go into it now, but I wanted to die, plain and simple.<P>Infidelity kills. Whether you think I'm being over-dramatic or not, I assure you... I'm serious.<P>You're on the right track being here BEFORE something happens. Be strong. You can fight this urge and keep your marriage pure.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

...<B>Sheryl</B>... you make me smile... <P>What do I have in my little welcome wagon...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P>Actually we agree more often than not...<P>When <B>K</B> said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You need to eliminate contact with 'intellectual' members of the opposite sex.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... he should or might have plugged-in the Harley <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...regardless of being 'intellectual' or not or for that matter of the 'opposite sex'! <P>Sarah...<BR>We really do love each other here... <BR>Playfulness comes out of us at anytime...<BR>Coping mechanism abound too...<P>Jim

welcome and listen to the commentas made.<BR>I will go out on a limb and tell you noone here is gonna condemn you - god bless you for your honesty in this situatiuon.<P>raed and post asnd read and post.we are here to help- we've been there.

Welcome,<P>I admire your honesty, your quest for help and the respect you obviously have for your H.<P>Let me introduce myself. I recently past my one year discovery of my H's very brief affair and I believe I have grown and learned many things over this year. If you have a moment, check out my post that subject is "If I was accepting and award...." As you read it, however, please excuse my spelling, which when I reread it was lousy. Not my best strength.<P>What you are experience is human. Who among us has not taken a peek on the other side of the fence and percieved the grass to be a shade or two greener? <P>One wonderful book, among many, that I read was The Heart of Commitment by Scott Stanley. It is a Christian book, but it applies to any marriage.<P>In it it talks of the need to grieve the path not followed in life. It makes a case that any choice we make has pros and cons and time sometimes makes us look back and question our choices. It says that all choices involve loss as well as gain. Often what we lose is legitmate and needs to be grieved instead of ignored or indulged. This may be what you are experiencing to some degree.<P>You may also think in terms of what you would be giving up to attain what you feel you are missing. I think you may already feel the price is too high or you would be pursuing other avenues already.<P>Although I believe in meeting our partners needs and being honest about our own, I'm not a big cheerleader of devulging a need that your H can not meet. It may be just plain cruel. I would advocate changing your own paradigms first and see what kind of progress you make.<P>I also think that when one hits a stumbling block in a marriage that really is nothing new, it is more of something going on with the one struggling rather than the partner. And that's why it may be more helpful to look inward before we look outward. Could it be that maybe you have stopped putting much into your marriage and that could be a factor in your situation.<P>Maybe it has been your role to be the beloved and you haven't put the level of energy into loving as he has? Many believe that acting "as if" your H is the greatest thing since sliced bread (he sounds like he is) may help those feelings return.<P>My most practical suggestion is to look toward female interaction to satisfy your intellectual longings and limit male interactions as much as possible.<P>Remember the grass isn't always greener...and you could get what you think is missing, but lose all the wonderful things you already have.<P>Take care!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

To clarify some points: I have no complains about how he treats me. Nor do I question his commmitment. He is not perfect but his virtues far outweigh his failings, and all his vices combined do not add up to make him a bad or difficult person. He is a GOOD man, and deserves my love and my respect. But we are terribly different, and the differences are becoming more pronounced as we mature. I fear I am losing respect for him in other areas (good lord, I can't believe I said that). When we attend functions, he doesn't adhere to etiquette. He's not intellectual. He sometimes makes gaffes that make people shake their heads. He is included in many outtings(golf, boating, etc.), but is embarrassed by his lack of knowledge and skill and makes up transparent excuses. His stories pale in comparision to those of world-travellers and dinners with famous people. I know these are all trivial things, but they bother me when we are in company. I know I am comparing him to others and I know that's wrong. I don't want to see him in this light, but I don't know how to change.<P>I am surrounded daily by people who are quick-witted, smooth and highly-knowledgeable. I know they are sometimes baffled by our relationship and I become embarrassed for him and for myself. There, I've said it - now its out in black and white. What a superficial person I have become. <P>I don't always want the "highlife" but after hearing on a daily basis about others' privileged lifestyles, I sometimes become depressed that my own doesn't have the same sparkle.<P>Sorry if I'm being nonsensical, but I promised myself I would write as the thoughts came to me, without erasing any one of them.

OK---guilty as charged, Sheryl. But to my defense, the next line is "no close friendshps". I meant that she shouldn't put herself in a position to be flirting or fostering attractions with these men.<P>Sara---as Jim illustrates with the Surviving an Affair line, if you feel an attraction to someone else, you must immediately take steps to eliminate it.<P>And I see your follow-up post. You're not "shallow" for having these needs. You grew up around people like that---you may have found your husband as "different" in a good way, at first, but now you're not so sure. I disagree with FHL---you do need to voice your needs in this area, even if you don't think your husband can cut it. My guess is that by using the Rule of Complete Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement that you will be able to negotiate solutions that have you both feel like you're "winning". Your husband will probably be willing to work on his ettiquette and conversation skills. You will be able (together) to find situations that aren't inappropriate for him. For example, I'm a highly educated man, but I'd be scared to death of being invited to a State dinner with the president. I wouldn't have a clue. But---if it was important to my wife (and we were having this opportunity), I would be willing to learn.<P>Of course, none of this can happen if you don't voice your concern. So, I'd suggest that you read everything on this site, learn about the concepts, and then perhaps give it a go. If you're still unsure, you should give Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders a call (888-639-1639) and schedule some counseling for yourself.

You've had some very good comments. If you read a lot of what's here, you'll know an affair is not a solution. I wish my h had really believed that before he caused me so much pain! Don't! Sounds like you are already emotionally involved, you do have to avoid the man you have feelings for.<P>Your description has so intertwined two separate things that you've left me confused. Wealth/prominence, etc, and intellect are totally different things. Did you fall in love with someone who is not smart? What things are over his head? Which is it that really bothers you? My h came from nowhere (illegal immigrants working in sweat shops), and yet he is one of the smartest and clearest thinkers I know. He didn't get it in school. If your h is smart, is it just certain topics he doesn't find interesting???<BR>Tell me more if you want to discuss. It is hard on a marriage if a woman cannot truly admire her man.

K,<BR>I think we have a honest disagreement here. And with your amazing story, I certainly will not say you are wrong.<P>However, I would still search within first and really examine motivations and define the situation first rather than put it all out on the table.<P>And everyone is different. I am guilty of being severely sensitive of critism from my H although I have a tougher skin in all other areas of life. Of course I would want to to know legitimate ways I could better meet his needs, but I would hope if he knew something was not a natural strength, he would evaluate exactly how important it was and what his expectations were before he started negotiations.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

SaraLee, why should you care what others think, and how they wonder why you are together?<P>YOU know why you're together with your H...you've told US. Now tell them.<P>People who think your life is their business are not worth bothering with. My H doesn't have a college degree, and I now have a master's. For years, I made more money than he did. I do all of the housework, and I know many people wondered what I was doing with him (aside from the fact that he's gorgeous).<P>It's none of their d*mn business why. I know why.<P>And BTW, if anyone asks, just tell them he rocks your world in bed. That'll shut 'em up real quick.

FHL:<P>I completely understand where you're coming from---it's doesn't feel great to get smacked with "honesty" that you perceive you have no hope of dealing with.<P>But, I also think that after you learn the skills to deal with honesty, there's nothing you can't discuss (even if it's riduculous). And the WAY that you discuss and deal with issues can build love, even though the end result might not have been what the spouse "instigating" the discussion initially thought they wanted.

My h and I were different in a lot of ways. I was the shy little girl in school, somewhat of a nerd. In advanced classes, things like that. He was the typical partier. Drinking with his friends, intelligent but didn't use it. Took building trades classes, wanted to be a carpenter. And he came from a dysfunctional family, lower class. My family was stable, and upper middle class. It never bothered me at all. He is such a good carpenter and I am very proud of his work. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. Obviously you see something in your H that your family and friends haven't seen. <BR>Don't give up on him. He sounds like a terrific man. You just need to talk to him. <BR>And by the way I LOVED the comment you got about him rocking your world in bed!!!

SaraLee, Nobody here will trounce upon you. Take it from me, someone who deserves a good trouncing. I have gotten nothing but sincere, good advice here. My advice to you is this... for what it's worth. Focus in on your H's qualities. Obviously you love him. Seems to me that he is an honest good man who wants to please you. Honey, you are so very luck to have this. Others may be "More Intellectual, Wittier, and experts in the field of Etiquette" (which by the way, one must be taught in order to be able to learn)... but would they treat you as he does? Will they love you as he does? Will they be able to give you what he does? Maybe he isn't comfortable being at those "functions" and is only going for you? One other thing, his stories may not compare with the world travlers or ones who have met famous people... (Which by the way, some people tell just to make others feel inadequate or uncomfortable) But who of those people can tell the story that he can of being a devoted, hardworking husband and have the sparkle in his eye when he speaks of his love for you... and of how proud he was watching his childs first step or any accomplishment by your child that makes him proud? Don't go to these functions if you are uncomfortable there. Talk to him about them and see how he feels about it. I think you should take a good hard look at what you are going to lose if you decide to take the other route. You are extremely fortunate and far richer in more imortant ways than a lot of those others.. no matter how intellectual and prominant they appear to be... (Hope I didn't trounce!)<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited January 11, 2000).]

Thank you so much for all your responses. All are food for thought. In answer to some questions, I have already made the decision to leave my position. The responses I have received and the information on this site have simply cemented my resolve. I have been looking for another for the last month. My husband doesn't know the true reason, only that it is a difficult and long drive in the winter months. I know he is somewhat worried about the financial aspect of my giving up a secure and well-paying job, but he understands and will support my decision. However, we are not in a position for me to leave this job without having another lined up. <P>Schizzo, you have hit the nail on the head. He is neither particularly smart (my, how disrespectful that sounds) nor sophisticated. I would guess at or slightly below average. He is, however, genuinely liked by most and I believe his other qualities shine thru. I was raised with and work surrounded by lawyers, judges, politicians, high-ranking officers and ambassadors. All people who particularly value quick thinking, high intellect and urbane speech. Of course, most successful people are very intelligent and resourceful. So I guess it is many-sided. I miss the stimulating conversation, the life experiences, and the material things that many prosperous people enjoy. <P>I am not sure as yet whether I should be completely open with him. It is something to ponder on before committing to that which cannot be undone. <P>After reading what Faith, Hope & Love wrote, I am determined to "woo" my husband. I have never played the part, always (very selfishly perhaps) been the recipient. If I may, Lori, I would like to take a page from your book (or letter, in this case) and write my own letter to my husband. The difference is that I CAN give it to him - with no fear of ridicule or rejection. Reading that letter made me realize just how blessed I am. <P>Dazed, your response made me laugh. And rock he does! Who would have thought it. When we met in our teens, he was an innocent and I was only slightly more experienced. (that's my one other secret I keep) <P>I thank each of you and while I can only imagine the pain with which you are each dealing, please accept my gratitute for your honesty and support and take with you the knowledge that you are helping others from hurting their loved ones.<P>Sarah

Sarah,<P>These are minor points, but a little something to think about.<P>If you are surrounded by these kind of people, you might have a skewed idea of average IQ. Your H may be smarter than you think, just not the same level as which you are exposed.<P>There are many ways to measure intelligence and although you may always be drawn to the type that surrounds you, other types of "smarts" can be every bit as important. <P>Since I don't run or was raised by the crowd you do, I have no idea if their experience really make them any happier when they crawl in bed at night. But it seems like often success and power also brings its own set of problems.<P>Two questions. Does you H want to be more like "them" or does he really like himself for what he is? What kind of feedback have you given H when an awkward situation comes up?<P>I hope you truly enjoy wooing your H. I think it will bring both of you a lot of enjoyment. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi SaraLee<P>Don't know that I can add anything to what the others have offered, but I do offer you my support in trying to save your marriage.<P>In many ways, I can relate to your circumstances. I too travelled in the "beautiful circles" as a journalist while my husband contented himself at a desk job that kept him sheltered from the world of people and mingling. He was socially challenged, I think, but in many ways, I think I may have inadvertedly nurtured that in him.<P>The intellectual stimulation...man, can I ever relate to that. My husband are as different as night and day on that front. But when push came to shove, he got right on board (because he is far from stupid!) and learned to engage in those things that interest me...sadly, I still have some work to do in his areas of interest because they bore me silly (no, I've not told him that, except for his childlike fascination with things Star Wars that drive me batty! <P>Sweetie--I found the intellectually stimulating, smart, well-educated man you are referring to...and I had an affair with him. I have to join Sheryl in saying "don't do it!" Categorically, absolutely, <B>don't.</B><P>If you think these differences between you and your H cannot be overcome, try marriage counselling. Let him know you NEED more intellectual stimulation--I'll bet he'll rise to the challenge. But DON'T muddy the murky waters with an affair. It is the most devastating thing you can -- to you!!! Believe me!!! Like Sheryl says, I have died a million deaths as a result of the affair I had.<P>If counselling shows this to be an area of significance, then try a trial separation. Truth is, sweetie, you just can't have it both ways, despite how hard we might try. You can't be married (to this lovely man) and have an affair with another. It will kill you emotionally and if you think you are confused now, wait until you enter that particular hell! <P>Whatever you decide, dig deep within yourself...get counselling, joint, separate, whatever. But I suspect that if you are posting here that the real issue is keeping you from having an affair.<P>I don't know that anyone could have spared me the agony of having an affair. I don't know that any words would have stopped me. The ups, the downs, the confusion, the internal disillusionment, trying to find forgiveness for myself--they are real, sweetie. As real as physical pain.<P>I would discuss this with your husband--but I would take care in how I framed the conversation so it doesn't come out sounding like you think he is some kind of idiot. Perhaps you might begin a conversation by asking how he feels about those functions you attend together... Perhaps you might go alone (if you/he are willing)...or perhaps he can brush up on some of the conversation that is likely to take place. There are a thousand and one different ways to attack this.<P>If in the end, you are still not satisfied, then you will need to examine whether or not you want to remain in this marriage. But, and I just cannot say this often or emphatically enough, do not join us on this path of misery many of us have forged. It is pure and utter hell.<P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis<P>

Sara Lee - Wow, you've got a wealth of great advice here from the best of the best. I'm glad you're listening to them.<P>We share some things. I grew up in an affluent home, my first "social" engagement (at age 5) was a Gubernatorial Ball. From my mom I learned all the social graces befitting a Southern Lady. From my dad, fishing, camping, woodworking and the like - not that he couldn't hold his own in any social situation as well. He was an extremely successful man. My H's father left his mom and 8 kids when he was a teenager. He quit HS to help her support the little ones. He immediately went on to get his GED and actually graduated ahead of time, but that always bothered him a bit. He only recently returned to go to college and has quit now, with a 4.0 and only 2 courses to complete. Thanks a whole heap, PT! (Ok, that's the catty Lori!)<P>However, he is an amazing and intelligent individual with insight I cannot even approach. But he wasn't groomed for these things, he learned. And because I could honestly have a blast fishing with him, he learned to cherish the ballet with me. You know what I mean. It wasn't always like that, but he fits in beautifully with the people who are important to me and they adore him as I do. We live w/in OUR means as well, I wouldn't have it any other way. <P>Now this sounds stupid since we're not together. But the fact of the matter is, you're onto something. Adore him. It's the greatest motivator in the world. I knew it before, wonder when I forgot???? <P>Take the wonderful advice you've been given. I think you're on the right track. <P>Best of luck to you.<P>Lori<P>(and my letter, heck, anything that helps!)

Sarah,<P>Your story sounds remarkably similar to mine in some ways. I'm a betrayer. I crossed the line and I deeply regret it.<P>You said some things I instantly picked up on, things I was telling myself during those hellish times. I sought "sophistication" and "intelligent interaction". I don't mean to sound condescending, my wife is no slouch by any means. I was only chasing fool's gold. There exists an art- a portrayal of superiority that serves as a magnet for members of the opposite sex. I say "art", because people who do this are aware of what they're doing. This OW knew how to lure. She wasn't being herself when we were together. She may have had the sophistication bit, but as my wife put it "any woman can buy a $50 dress and look sophisticated". That was it! As far as "intellectual interaction", it's a game all about control and domination. The guy you're seeing has picked up on subtle submissions made by yourself, and has zeroed in for the kill. Don't get me wrong, he may be a nice guy. But he's playing this subconscious game in the back of his mind, to see how good you can make him feel (and vice versa). Don't be fooled, it's FOOL's GOLD. It won't last forever. I'm not a betting man, but I'd bet the farm that you married your husband for the right reasons. The same reasons I married my wife. Now, if you're not convinced what you're doing is wrong yet, go ahead and read on...<P><BR>At the time it was going on, I (like you) began reaching out to people to have them affirm my wrong-doings. I know this sounds strange. You'll want to share it with somebody. I admit at times for me it was exciting. In fact, it was bitter-sweet- a fast moving pendulum. But the up-sides became quickly short-lived, and the stress and pain of maintaining the affair began taking its toll. I honestly believe it took away some years off my life. And the aftermath devastated my wife.<P>I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong. People around me couldn't believe their eyes. I became entranced in a world of deception- one lie after another, delicately juggling phone calls, and of course dealing with guilt. There became no easy way out, I didn't want to hurt anyone. Did I see myself longterm with this woman? Did she share the same morals and values I have? Or was she a completely different animal? But what if I back out, what would happen? Would my wife leave me and take the kids? Would I be stuck without anyone? It truly became hell.<P>Sarah, be very careful with how you proceed. If you even slightly step over the line, you'll stumble into a world you don't belong. If you're unhappy with your husband, seek counseling first. Don't give up on your marriage. Never let another person your attracted to drive whether or not you leave your spouse. It's your life and your call. He's not part of the equation. Put stock in yourself and your marriage.<P>Good luck,<P>- BBD