I am in desperate need of help here, I don't know what to do, what to say, anything. I am lost. I am blind. I am scared. I am full of rage and hate right now. I am so glad that I founf this site, I have no-one to talk to.<BR>I just found out 4 days ago, that my husband had an affair with a really good friend of mine, lasted 15 months. She was like a sister to me, we did everything together, our families did alot together, we went shopping, movies, dancing, golfing. We did it all. When I found out through another friend what was going on, I was dumbfounded, how could I miss something like this? Was she really my friend, or just pretending, to be with him?How could she do this to me?How could he? He couldn't have picked someone else besides her?? I believe if he can do that to me with a friend, he can do it with anyone. I have not slept nor eaten anything in 2 days, I am sick. I love him so much, but she has ruined what we had. How do I get through this? I have set up my own e-mail account, I need help from somebody. He doesn't want me to be on here, to ask advice, says we can do this ourselves. But I will do what i need to do. We have 1 son, who turned 3 recently, and I thought we would have more kids.She has ruined me.<BR>I valued her friendship and she took advantage of me. I am sorry to have lost her friendship, but I hate her now. I as so depressed and crying as I write this. I need help, advice, a friend, a real friend.<BR>We live in Indiana, I am 500 miles from my family, I have no-one. help please.

That is just horrible! I am so sorry! You have to get yourself calmed down and get some sleep! You have a lot to go through, and need all the energy you can get! <P>At this point, hubby doesn't have the right to tell you how you should handle anything. You have a right to do what you think you should!!!!<P>It's okay, cry, yell scream - but decide only how long you will do it. Like for 1 more day, and then let's get on with trying to figure out what to do from here on out!<P>We've all been there, and many here have had their husband's in an affair with their friends. It's not that uncommon! It's not good, but many many people have had their marriages restored.<P>

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Take a deep breath. You are surrounded by friends here. <BR>Have you had a chance to read any of the information on this site? There is alot that will help you. <BR>

I'm truly sorry for all the hurt you are going through right now. You have come to the right place in coming here and you deserve to get help if you believe you need it. There are some very good people here that have some great insight. You will always have friends here.<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited August 26, 1999).]

I'm so sorry for you having to be here, but you have deinitely picked the right place to come to.<P>Since it has only been 4 days (the longest days in your life) you are probably still in shock & just trying to understand what happened. Go slow. It'll take time. Don't do anything quickly. Don't react on your emotions. Let it settle before you decide.<P>Yes you can get through all this! It won't be easy. I suggest you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Willard Harley. It describes what happens in an affair, how to understand what happened and what you need to do to get through it.<P>Come back here as often as you need to.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Rage, please calm down. right now there is nothing you can do that will take away this pain. It is going to take time. You have a lot of emotions to deal with. I tell this to al firsttimers: Get counselling for both you and your husband, if he won't go, go by yourself. you need help. Don't do anything that cannot be undone. and protect your child from the tremendous conflict from you two. that would be the first thing you two should agree about. <BR>Post here if you like, it will help. <BR>It looks like your husband wants to work it out. So that gives you the time and the opportunity to work it out. So you are going to have to patient with him and yourself. He needs to be held accountable for what he did and understand what he did and why he did it. <BR>good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by fighter (edited August 26, 1999).]

heart of rage,<P>My heart goes out to you. It probably is of little comfort, but your situation is not uncommon. It is so easy for couples who go out together to have a husband from one and a wife from the other fall in love. Think about how easy this is. In a very real way, it's like the couples are double dating. Common interests develop and grow stronger. I think it is easier for an affair to develop in this situation than between casual friends.<P>Is your husband wanting to reconcile? Obviously, the friendship with the other couple must be discontinued for good. You can get through this with your husband. If he is remorseful and willing to work with you, do what you can to rebuild.

You are right that he doesn't have the right to tell you not be looking for support. You NEED it right now. I only wish I would've had this place when I found out. And I also think he's wrong that you guys can fix this without help. I would bet MOST marriages broken by infidelity need some type of counseling to rebuild.<P>Has he broken off contact with her? I think that's a big first step.<P>You have every right to be angry, hurt, sad, everything you feel. Two people you trusted and loved have hurt you in the worst way possible. There are alot of good people here on this board willing to give you the support and friendship you need right now. Keep posting here if it helps YOU!<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Calm down first...I know that is hard right now. I went through the EXACT same thing 10 weeks ago. I found out my H had a 4 month affair with my friend. We spent a lot of time together (all of us) and I also was devastated upon discovery. She was also married but that marriage has broken up. I lost 12 pounds the first 2 days after discovery and really don't remember much about those days except that my heart felt like it was physically breaking into. I think it is so much harder to know that the OW is your friend. There are so many memories to go back and think about and they are all distorted when you realize they were sleeping together at the time of those memories. I did become suspicious about a month before I found out, but I thought I was being paranoid and my H denied it when I asked him. <P>I KNOW your pain. I have been there. I assume from your post that your H wants to stay with you in your marriage. So does mine. We are working through this....don't give up hope. The first thing I did was to tell him "no more contact with her" PERIOD! I then got the details I needed from him and I got her version through an email I sent her because I could not face her in person or I would have killed her. This affair snowballs and affects so many more people than just the couple. My friend's family is also close to me and my H and they do not know. I have fought the temptation, so far, to tell them. But I walk on eggshells so that they don't perceive what is going on now that we don't hang out with my friend. <P>It took me almost a month to feel like I was functioning at work and at home in some normal fashion. My H was very loving and understanding though he feels like I should be over it by now and doesn't want to discuss it anymore. You must make your H understand that you will be on an emotional roller coaster for some time now. I would go from anger to intimate back to anger and hurt in a moment's notice. It is the most horrendous thing to go through that I have ever experienced.<P>I must say that I have come a long way in the last 10 weeks. I think of the affair several times a day but it no longer consumes my thoughts. I have bad days where the anger returns and I still hate my friend with a passion (which I know I need to deal with) but it DOES get better. I am at work now and must run but I will be checking the boards and will be glad to talk more later.

I AM SO SORRY!<P>My H cheated on me with a friend too - not a good friend, but a friend. I found out about 5 weeks ago. You have many days ahead of that will be real hard and some that where you will feel stronger. <P>What may help you to cope it to think of this as change. You are either going to work on your marriage and it will end up being stronger than ever or you will move on and find someone who you will love more. Either way you will come out ahead of the game. I know that is easier said than done. I love my husband and want to work on a better life together, but if he chooses to move on then so do I.<P>Keep you chin up and come back here as many times as you need to - we are all here for you. <P>The most important thing is for yu to take care of yourself!!!!! If for no other reason than so you can be a great mother!!!!! Any time you don't feel like eating - look at your child. They are some important and you want to protect them and take good care of them.<P>We are here for you!!!<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited August 26, 1999).]

You have come to the right place. You are among friends here. What is your e.mail address? It is not listed on your profile? <P>------------------<BR><P><BR>

thank you everyone for your help.I am emotionally and physically exhausted right now, but managed to get a bit of rest.I am so distraught over this.<BR>Yes the affair is over, as far as I know, but I do not believe anything right now, so I can't be certain.I will seek this help for me, I dont know why he wouldnt want me to, maybe shame? I will do what I need to do though. Mt e-mail address is hrage60@hotmail.com .. I just got it, I need so much help, and didnt want anything going to our normal address. I thank you all for being there for me, I am going to need it.

I found out about my h affair with one of my best friends 9 wks ago. He told me by saying that he was in love with another woman. The real kicker is that I had asked him about their relationship many times because she flirted outrageously with him. He always denied it. Their affair lasted a little over a year -- he says that it never became sexual, just kissing -- that is more than enough.<P>Does my h still love the ow? Right now he does but since he has not had contact with her since discovery, he has been much kinder and more attentive to me. Things are pretty good right now other than the fact that he would like to pretend that nothing ever happened. I too lost weight, couldn't sleep, cried alot. Things do become easier. I still need to work on forgiving, it is easier with my husband than with her. Fortunately for me she moved 1500 miles away so I don't have to worry about running into her. Right now take care of yourself, get through each day. My emotions ran from wanting to run out and do this to my h to wanting to crawl into a hole and bury myself. Neither choice was good. I have gone to a counselor, h won't go so all I can work on is myself and I am making it. If you want to e-mail me feel free.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW - who needs friends like that? I too had my "best" friend stab me in the back-and yep it does hurt. My advice is that first you come to terms with the fact that this has happened. It is ok to get mad, cry, be depressed, resentful and whatever other emotions you want to feel. It is OK!!! But no matter what emotions you do feel it is too late to change the fact that not only your H cheated on you but your friend did not behave like a friend. I found out 12 weeks and 2 days ago about my H and friends affair-it lasted 2 years with many breaks in between. I asked myself all the things you say you are asking yourself-how could I not have seen. well, for one-both these people knew how to hide it very well. And if you are like me and the friend calls and you aren't home or whatever you haven't any suspicions when told she called-or if you see her number on caller ID. My ex friend and I were friends for 5 years-I thought I knew her-and I never thought she could do this too me either. But she did-and so be it. I still hurt very much, I am still very angry. But let her beat me down? Heck no-I love my H and I plan on keeping him-she won't be allowed to even look at him! BTW-she too is married.<BR>But you tell your H that whatever you want to do to help yourself heal through this is ok. He has no right to tell you not to do anything at this point. I am not saying this to be mean-you need these people here!!!! When you realize how often this happens you will realize that you are NOT alone. You will also find a whole lot of support and advice from Dr. Harley. Please do take care of yourself and keep coming back. We are all in this together!! And (I can't believe I am saying this) but it does get better.<P>HUGS