I need help Quick!!!!! My wife of 7 yrs has just told me that she no longer loves me and that she is leaving. Obviously she has been in withdrawal stage for some time(she says a year). We have two beautiful children 5 and 3 and i am not an abusive husband and i don't drink or carry on but obviously i have not been meeting her needs. The trouble is i can't get her to try any more. I desperately want to do whatever it takes including meeting her needs. What is my best chances for success. Do i keep her in the house and pressure her into seeking counseling or do i let her get that apartment in town? She will let me keep the kids in the house and we would share the duties of picking them up and dropping them off at the babysitters. I could also move out and live just across the farm with my dad and try to fill up the love bank every time i see her. What do I do?

Tom:<P>I don't have any answers for you...but as I am in a similar situation with my wife...I just wanted you to know that you are not alone...and that I would be praying for you.<P>Hopefully, others here will provide some good replies that will help you. In my situation, I have learned that I cannot force my wife to do anything against her will...and I suspect that is probably the case with your wife, too. I've always heard the expression, "If you love something, set it loose. If it returns to you, it's yours. If it doesn't return to you, it was never yours in the first place." I know that is terribly difficult to do...but as I suspect the case is with you...I want my wife to come back to me of her own free will. That can't happen until I realize that I have to let her go...and let her know, in a non-smothering way, that I love her very much...and will be patient with her until she makes her decision about what she wants to do.<P>My two children are older than yours (12 & 14). In some ways, that makes the situation more difficult...but in others, I suspect yours is tougher. Please know that you can survive this...and by being patient and loving, you can turn things around. That's what I'm counting on.<P>Good luck.

Welcome to the forum Tom!!<BR>I will just say this - read, post, read, Post.<BR>You will find all of us here have been in this boat for awhile.<BR>I suggest you read everything here and maybe try <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com</A> for more answers. Plenty of familiar face there also.<P>Just stay and visit. We cant guarantee anything, other than you will make it thru it. good luck.

Thanks for all the support. This is all so new to me and i am in quite a panic. It helps to know that there are others out there in a similar position. It especially helps to know that there are those who are praying for me . Thanks again. I have gone to a counsellor since my last posting and it seems to help for a short while and then the anxiety sinks in. I hope that some day i can get my wife to go with me but it doesn't look good. She is such a strong willed person and i know i can't force her but itis so difficult to let her go. I guess i will always be second guessing myself and it doesn't do anything but drive me nuts. The funny thing about our relationship is that she says she still likes me and i still makeher laugh but she just doesn't love me anymore. And she is completely convinced that that can not be changed. It is sooooo frustrating!!! Thanks again for the comfort and the new website.

Tom:<P>Your story is very similar to mine. My wife is responding in much the same way...and my heart is aching just as yours is. I've been going through this about a couple of months longer than you...and if it's any comfort...time does help. I know that's difficult to understand now, though.<P>It really does hurt when your wife tells you "it's just not there any more," especially when you've tried your hardest to be the best husband, father and person possible. It really is no consolation that she still likes you. You want her to love you as much as you love her. It's hard not to perceive this without thinking you are totally inadequate as a man...but you have to put that kind of thinking out of your head. It sounds to me like you are a pretty good guy..with much to offer a mate. If your situation is as much like mine as I think it is...it probably has more to do with your wife than it does with you. She's very confused...and pushing her or pressuring her will not help the situation. It will only hurt it further. Time and acceptance might be the best thing you can offer her. That will require superhuman patience on your part...but it sounds to me like it might be your best shot. As far as you are concerned, personally, I think it's very important that you do everything possible to invest in yourself. Do a lot of reading. Exercise as much as you can (that has helped me tremendously). Confide in friends. Talk openly about this with someone you trust. And perhaps above all...pray...and open your heart to God's leading.<P>I don't know if my marriage is going to make it or not...but if it doesn't...it won't be because I didn't give it every chance possible to work. And if my wife ultimately decides that a divorce is what she wants...I hope that I will have prepared myself emotionally to accept that...and move on. I know you don't want to accept divorce right now...but it might be a good idea to prepare for it, just in case.<P>You are still a young man, Tom. I'm five years older...and I think I'm still young man. You have the majority of your life ahead of you...and, God forbid, your marriage doesn't work...you still have a long lifetime of love and happiness to experience.<P>I'll continue my prayers for you...and will encourage everyone in this forum to do the same. Keep your chin up. You'll still have some tough days ahead of you, but through them, you'll gain wisdom and a much greater understanding of yourself. And, ultimately, perhaps sooner than you think, you will be happy again. I hope this situation is resolved in the way you want it to be resolved.<P>

Tom<P>Sorry to hear about your situation. Can't say i'm in the same boat as you but kind of in a similar situation. (You just don't know how much you need/miss someone until they are gone.) Just know that there are people here that are willing to listen and help anytime. <BR>It seems to me that you are caring guy. I guess that makes you wonder even more so as to why your wife would want to leave you. But, if she has her reasons, than I guess there's not much you can do. I don't know. I don't know much about your situation from reading your posts. All I can say is that just give it your best shot and if things don't work out the way you would like them to (and I'm assuming here that would be for you to stay with her?), then there's nothing else you can do. At least you know you've given it your best shot.<BR>Also, everything happens in life for a reason, so maybe this is occurring for a reason. Who knows?? All in all, just know that we are praying for you and hoping for the best.<BR>Hopefully you have a close friend you could talk to about this with. I mean, they obviously know more than we do because they know you much better and they know the type of person you are. If not, then just someone whom you can trust. Someone who may not have all the answers you are looking for, but someone who is there to listen. But then again, someone's always here to help.<BR>Alright, enough rambling on here for me. I hope things turn out for the best for you, Tom. <P>Here for ya anytime,<BR>SS<BR>

Welcome <B>Tom Van Eerd</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Sorry I missed fo first post...<BR>I usually help people find their way around here by putting up a welcome wagon message...<BR>here you go...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is where you have to start at!!!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>A few more recommendations...<BR>Don't move out!!!!<BR>Don't leave the house!!!!<BR>Show your W... you can change for the better by trying to fill her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... You may want to check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>.<BR>Encourage your W to stay... but you can't force her to stay!!!<P>Throw in a few <B>Plan P</B>s... "prayer"... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 14, 2000).]