I have noticed that in many cases on this board and others, when the betrayers ontinue to be cruel and mean-spirited after discovery, alcoholism or drug use is involved. My H, however, doesn't even have that excuse (not that it is a good excuse), since he doesn't drink. Is there anyone else here whose spouse continued to be cruel after discovery when alcoholism or drug use was not a factor? Could guilt really be enough to cause him to act like that even almost 11 months after discovery? <P>

Nelliue, Oh yeah...before discovery and especially after discovery, EH was emotionally very abusive OMO. He told me how inadequate i was...etc etc....(when comparing me to 28 year old OW with no responsibilities, financially hurting and involving the children where they did not have to be. There were no mitigating circumstances other than his sense of "entitlement" and by this I mean by "blaming me" helped him justify his new lifestyle which enabled him to get over his guilt. Of course, involving the kids was the worst thing in terms of denigrating me to justify himself to them ....he hurt them to get at me. <P>EH is incredibly mean spirited....and "punishes" those who have not been accepting of OW and since 2 of the 4 kids have not, the balance for them is even more out of whack and their confusion is enormous.<BR>Unfortunately for EH, he has to be adored to find self -esteem, but needs to manipulate those close to him to get this. Until he realizes that this comes from within he will not grow as a person and will continue to lead a miserable existence in reality but a superficial life which he can mask his pain with.<P>Of course when he stops being mean to those who do not approve (especially me) he will have to face up to the reality of his life. <BR>The other side of the coin is that i do not care what he does anymore....he can no longer get to me about very much so when he realizes his barbs go nowhere he will have to find another venue for his frustration!<P>

My H, normally easy going, stalked around the house during the short lived affair and continued to be just plain weird for a while afterward. Since he basically has no temper to begin with, this was extreme for him.<P>I think it is universal betrayer trait. Almost like they have a guide book or something.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Nellie,<P>You know my story... I think...<P>No drugs... No alcohol...<BR>But... a heighten openess to sexuality. I think that has just made the affair a little easier... the newness to "new" sexuality.<P>Started to go to web sites... with lesbian fantasy stories... visited pages with S&M and bondage and domination...<P>Needless to say... this has disheartened me a bit. I don't think I'm a prude... but... <P>Yep...<BR>Evil angry stares...<BR>No touching allowed...<BR>Filed a police report against me...<BR>Asked baliff to move me to other part of the room at last court appearance...<BR>Angry e-mails...<BR>Shutdown of communications...<P>Guilt?... I don't know what else...<BR>Unless it is extreme selfishness (because I took the kids) { of course she left... and gave them up! }<P>I don't know?...<BR>It does make for a very hard <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! <P>I too would like to know who else is in this hellish situation... whether in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A OR Plan B</A>.<P>Jim

Nellie1,<P>In my case my W's cruelty really <B>began</B> with discovery. I think it was because once the simulation of normality in our relationship was no longer a useful tool for hiding the truth it was no longer necessary to pretend to be nice. Just one more hard lesson to learn.

Nellie, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I really think you HAVE TO STOP ANALYZING THE MINUTIAE OF ALL OF YOUR H'S BEHAVIOR.<P>Some things just suck and can't be explained.<P>Again (and this is my last time, I promise), I'm telling you: You have to look forward, not backwards. If you've learned something about relationships (other than "avoid them at all costs") than take that away as a little plus, no matter how minor.<P>But your bitterness is eating you up alive, and all this hashing and re-hashing is not accomplishing anything, least of all understanding your H.

Dazed,<BR>I hardly think his pattern of cruelty is "minutiae". Yes, I am looking for patterns, for people with similar experiences, and I don't think there is anything wrong with doing so. The behavior of the betrayer after discovery is significant - the reasons behind the affair, the prognosis, the means to recovery - all of those are related to the betrayer's post-discovery behavior - whether it be continued cruelty, waffling, or immediate remorse. The response of betrayers to discovery is a function of, among other things, their personality - and anything I can do to better understand my H's personality will help me have a better relationship with him, and will hopefully improve the chance of eventual successful recovery. <BR>2sad4words,<BR>My H was most cruel verbally between the time he left and discovery, six weeks later. He was obviously desparately grasping at straws to explain his sudden departure and desire for divorce.<BR>NSR,<BR>I found out a few months ago that shortly before the affair, my H purchased "membership" in a group of adult web sites. Perhaps the alcohol, drug use, porn, and affairs are all attempts to self-treat depression.<BR>FHL,<BR>I wish I knew how long it would take, if ever, for my H to stop being angry and hateful. I would gladly settle for just plain weird right now.<BR>willbok,<BR>The thing that hurts worse is how they treat the children. I try hard to let my children know that when someone is angry at them it does not mean they no longer love them, but that is not the messge they get from their father.

Hi Nellie -<P>My H is like this ------ without drugs, alcohol, etc. Although I DO believe that his OW, current friends, and the like are definitely "addictive" factors in all this.....<P>As long as he is involved with "them" just like if it were drugs or booze - there will be some of this behavior!!<P>Only when the "relationship" with this OW starts waning will they be open enough to take an honest look at what they are doing.....<P>I, like you am waiting......in the meantime - all we can do is make life better for ourselves and God willing, they may see it!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba