I have a little problem and I'm just not sure how to handle it.<BR>I do my H's books so I am constantly sorting through papers. Unfortunately I have to go back to the past too often. It seems that every time I have to do this something jumps out at me. I'm tire of it. Today I found new evidence of a lie a year old. It was like being punched in the stomach one more time.<BR>It wasn't a huge lie but sometimes I feel as though this is going to go on forever. How do you leave the past behind when you have to go back there constantly?<BR>Does anyone else have the problem of finding old evidence over and over?<BR>My H never really communicated much truth to me after the affair. Everything I know is based on my perception of the evidence I found through my work. Good grief if I investigated what would I find?<BR>Right now I feel like I'm never going to escape this. I want him to sit down and go over the last 8 years with me and tell me everything he can to make this easier. I am just tired of this stuff jumping out at me when I least expect it.<BR>I'm ready to pack up the entire office and tell him to find a new bookeeper.<BR>GRRRRR!

Wassy,<P>Re:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm ready to pack up the entire office and tell him to find a new bookeeper.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's <B>EXACTLY</B> what I think you should do!!<P>There's no way he can fill you in on eight years... I honestly think it's a good idea you had there!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

I just had to re-enter all of my h shop records this week cuz my comp. crashed and I became sick to my stomach and started shaking, I went out to the shop and told him i just couldn't go through this stuff becuz it just brought everything back, I then decided I would not let her control my life by giving her another thought besides if she was all that why is her still here!!!!<P>Hang in there, it will get better.

sheryl<BR>I had a wonderful reply all typed up and Boom! the baord went down.<BR>I am seriously considering ditching the books. It is not as easy as it sounds but I'm almost there. Problem is that it is the only way I have of knowing the truth. A double edged sword. No win situation. If I don't have the receipts I know nothing. <BR>And no matter how wonderful he has been to me he hasn't done anything but prove that he lies when it comes to the bimbo. So if I give away the books I give away my sight.<P>nita<BR>I'm so sorry you had to go through that too. It sucks doesn't it?<BR>Problem is I've been doing it for a year now. I don't think he has had contact since July but I'm still stumbling on this crap.<BR>Last April I had to record and add a thousand times all the gifts, meals, gas receipts, hotel receipts.... I was physically ill. I have gotten to the point I can't even look at an innocent phone bill...<BR>Sorry I've had a couple too many drinks and I'm whining a little.<P><BR>How do you leave the past behind if you have to keep going there.<BR>I think it's time for him to explain some things. I've been too nice.<BR>And if he uses the word "friend"......

WS...I'm living with a semi-liar too. It sucks not knowing the entire truth. I remember things popping up (evidence) in bits & pieces. I thought I was going to get crazy from all of it!<P>I'm sorry that you have to see all that yucky evidence. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. But remember...it's the past now.<P>(I know it's easier said than done....hang in there, friend.)

Thanks NoTrust<BR>You are right It is in the past. I just wish I didn't have to keep going there.<BR>I think it would really help me if he cleared up a few specifics. <BR>I mean really - I am insulted by some of the lies. "We played crib in the hotel New year's Eve".<BR>Am just really out of sorts right now.<BR>I know I can't even approach him with this right now as he is working so hard.<BR>I think I will try to write down some things I need to know and give him the option of helping me. It will have to wait another week so wish me luck. I don't think I can handle anymore suprises.

wassy,<P>Even if you were able to get your H to agree to sit down for an interogation, it is doubtful that he would be able to recall all the details. I think memory loss must be a psrt of all affairs - makes it easier to handle some of these things.<P>No Trust is giving good advice - to leave the past in the past. Keep remembering what you said about Saturday - you are ALREADY victorious!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree<BR>I know he won't remember all the details. There are certain things that need to be addressed tough. I've let him off the hook. I was more worried about hurting him than healing me.<BR>There are things I need to understand. Not necessarily details. <BR>For instance, I discovered just this week that they started getting really chummy phone wise just after we moved to HIS dream farm ( something I did for him). I know this woman saw her opportunity. I would like him to see some of the reality of her. If he was truthful with me he might see it. Too complicated to really explain here but she is so obvious.<BR>I'm rambling. The vodka. I really am in a bad place. Today I'm tired of doing it myself. <BR>The point is that I don't need sexual details. I need some kind of truth. I don't need specifics as in where when what. I have those from the receipts. I want to know the truth. Damn I'm tired of this. If I stop visiting the past I would.<BR>It's like I started this gigantic jigsaw puzzle a long time ago. No one is helping me. I'd like to say to heck with it. It's only half done. But pieces keep popping up. Maybe if he helped me finish it we could get rid of it.<BR>I think it's time for him to start talking.<BR>Forgive me but I'm a little short on patience with this game. <BR>I have been coming across these things for a year now. I'm tired of being punched in the gut. And every time I am, the questions that I thought I could leave all come back again.<P>Thanks Desiree for being there. Excuse my mood tonight. I'm just tired. <BR>

wassy,<P>Really I do understand about wanting to know. I have driven myself crazy with snooping for details in the past. Then, all of a sudden my H decided to turn turthful and YIKES, that hurt even worse! It hurt, because now I can know all the details I want, but he is STILL with the OW, so I really don't want to know.<P>If yo9u and your H need to clear the air to move things forward and to help you release resnetments, it would be great if he would do it. But, sounds like you want it andhe doesn't want to do it...so one more thing to be ticked off about!<P>I know it is hard for you..but since you can't force him, you only have a couple decisions - to decide if this is not worth the continued resentment and damage to healing or that this is a "deal-breaker"??? Think about that for a while and maybe it will help you to sort this issue out.<P>Good night, Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree<BR>Thanks again. sorry I was so out of sorts earlier. I had a nightmare monday night then found this new evidence and I just felt like the cycles are never to end. I really don't want to go back there. It just brings up the same old questions. More questions.<BR>Maybe someday I won't need to be afraid to look at pieces of paper.<BR>I have never pressured H to share with me. The details I found through the books were plenty. But there are unanswered questions.<BR>Guess I need some direction. <BR>Needed to vent tonight. Thanks for being there. my head knows things but that doesn't stop the hurt does it?

You may remember I really thought about whether of not to press for details. Amazingly, most of my pain stopped almost abruptly, so I dropped it.<P>Although I did bring it up New Year's Day, it was not about the details, but for clarification if he knew "why" he had it. <P>Some of the details still interest me, but I don't dwell on trying to figure it all out.<P>Don't know what to tell you. My NYD conversation upset my H, but that kind of made me feel like he really was completely remorseful and there was no treasured memories.<P>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

WS......... <BR>Hi, sorry I just had to do that icon, I think they are so neat, I'm like a kid with a new toy, and since I don't post very much....I just had to do it to you.......<BR>Now, I forgot what I was going to lecture you about..........Oh Yes.........<BR>Remember.........Do you want him to relive the past??????? Do you want him to start thinking about her all over?????? Have to push it out of his mind again and come back to you??????<BR>You will get sicker and sicker of all this, till it WILL finally go away. I don't have memories in paper form like you do, but mine are still just as real.........my mind, I remember times that I say.......yep.....that was probably a time he was with her........It kills me.......but the word here is..WAS!!! <BR>It is good to vent.......it is good to get people to help you get through this.....do it, no matter how long it takes. BUT, bite your tongue, don't go there with your H, if you can help it. When you feel this way, get some hugs from him, let him know that you are still hurting, let him help you through the hurt, let him show you how much he cares, BUT don't help him remember the BIMBO!<BR>WS, hang in there, another bump!<BR>Talk to you tomorrow......<BR>AH<P>-------<BR>TIME

FHL<BR>Thanks!<BR>I'm better this morning. I know we can't talk about this now. H is exhausted. I think my problem has to do with a "why" as well.<BR>I guess it goes back to moving out here. You know this is something he always wanted. I did not because of several reasons, including the fact that I knew I would be alone out here and I would have 10 X as many responsibilities. He proved me right.<BR>I guess what I need addressed is not so much the affair but why he immediately turned into a jerk the day we moved. I did everything in my power to give him what he dreamed of. I even quit smoking so that his dream house would be smoke free. It was all done for HIM. And the minute he got what he wanted he started playing with the bimbo and treating me like crap. We have not addressed this. The more I discover, the more it points to the concept that bimbo saw an "in". He has taken full responsibility for everything and she is little Miss innocent.<BR>Ah rambling once more. Didn't mean to do that.<P>AH<BR>I keep telling myself that! You can lecture any time you want. I'm a little stuck right now. Yesterday was a double whammy.<BR>I told H why I was feeling down. It was pretty obvious. I did not tell him what I found. As usual he asked what it was. i don't know why but every time he does that I get this creepy feeling. Like there is something going on and he wants to know if that's what I discovered. Like he doesn't want to give away anything that I haven't found yet. That bothers me. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling. It is not complete honesty and I need that.<BR>Just one of those bumps like you said.

WS,<BR>I really do know about those, " CREEPY FEELINGS", I had some during those three years that I want to forget, and I too have them off and on now. BUT, you know? I think, WHY? WHY would he still be here if he was having fun somewhere else? Why would he be putting himself through all this with me? Two years in recovery and doing GREAT for what we have been through. They could just go and not look back. PLUS......I don't think they are able to handle all this with a plan. Remember, it has been proven that they don't think! I'm sorry, I give them alot of credit in some respects, but come on, they aren't THAT good that they could be snowing us now after all we have learned and now that we are looking for evidence.<BR>I guess I have too much time on my hands, I think alot, sometimes not real clear, but you just have to follow your heart at times. <BR>You are holding back, just as I do, You are scared to give your all to him because you are afraid of that "used" feeling again. We have so much to give, give a little more each day, it is a "good" feeling, you will get use to that after a while too. <P>AH<P>------<BR>TIME

AH<BR>As always you are right!<BR>( However I do think you are having too much fun playing with those new icons )<BR>I am thinking too much and trying too hard in some instances.<BR>I am wondering if the best thing for me would be to take all my paper trail, write it out then burn it. On my own.<BR>I was watching Oprah for a while yesterday. This young girl had an obsession with her father's murderer. She finally took his picture, spoke to it, and told him he would not have control over her anymore. She then wrote him a letter.<BR>I'm wondering if the picture thing would help as well. Just thoughts. I need to get out of this phase.

WS,<BR>Good idea, another Bon Fire, get all these things burned up before summer. <BR>You are doing OK, you are being normal for you. You at least are dealing with it. Some people just sweep it under the rug, and end up with a big pile of what? I see that as big trouble!!!!!! Ashes are better then a pile!<BR>Thinking now of what to have for Lunch !!!!<BR>AH<P>--------<BR>TIME

AH<BR>I can't burn the real things. Have to keep them for 6 years for business purposes.<BR>Yuck! (There's no "gag" icon)<BR>I may have to sit down, write it all out then bonfire. Maybe that will help exorcise the demons. Will give it some thought. Maybe find some old calendars. Do it month by month then watch it burn.<BR>

Hi Was,<P>Sorry that you are still having to face the demons. Try and think of it this of way...since you do the books you are in charge of all the information. You are incontrol of it all. After each year is up burn the entire lot.<BR>Also try talking to your H about it and how you feel. See if he can not come up with a plan to help with the triggers. The last time I had a major trigger I cried all day. Tony just held me.

Paha<BR>Nice to see you. I have been isn such a fog lately I think that's a lot of the problem.<BR>I'm definitely going to have to get creative with this.<BR>You're right - it is in my control.<BR>Last spring when I was doing the worst of it H just avoided me because it was just too painful.<BR>Now he's working such long hours I can't share it with him either. Guess I'm tired of being alone. <BR>

H is about to lose his company cell phone, and i hope to heck he remembers to use a phone card to call OW, last time h called her constantly, and i opened the phone bills, it was he!! o.n earth.<P><BR>ps, yeah, i just have a feeling they are still in touch