Hi! Need some advise please! We are going about this kind of backwards....we have come accross MB site and find it to be a great resource to rebuild/rethink the hows and the whys we do things. Here's the big problem - we are doing everything we can not to rob the bank any further however, there remains the question of infidelities (his) and other dishonest behavior. He acknowledges that it is important to discuss it. How do we start such a discussion? How much do I need to know? What do I ask? How do I avoid LB since I know it will be a heavy conversation? His track record sucks the big one, big time but he seems genuinely interested in working this out (there remains much resentment/lack of trust on my part but hope remains).....Do I really need to know the details? Anyone else know ahead of time that you were going to talk about indescretions? How do you start/proceed/stay sane........Thanks!

Hi Lisa,<P>I am glad that you and your H are working things out! I know talking about the affair with your H is tough. My W and I attended a weekend retreat where they helped us to communicate in a way that let us more clearly see each others perspective. This also built up lovebank balances. After the weekend and a few follow-up session we were able to more easily talk about the affair. This was still difficult, however, having a balance in the lovebank helped. If you want to learn more about the group that sponsored the weekend search using the term Retrouvaille.<P>Praying for you and your family.<P>T2<P>

Lisa,<P>First I suggest you and h both go over the policy of joint agreement, then everything here concerning honesty.<P>Only you know how much you feel you need to know about h's affairs ect. <P>You may want to start a list of questions you want to ask him, but save them for a time when you have both read the honesty and joint agreement info, and any and everything else you can here. Then agree to a time to sit down together just the two of you to discuss all these things.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Thanks Deb, T-2<BR>O.K., we are both aware/informed on POJA and other info on site. My concern is that, we are working things out very well these days but there is a "cloud" hanging over us - the cloud containing all the crumby stuff of the past few years. He had several affairs (some one night stands, all sexual in nature)that I recently found out about (these happened during our first year together). The fact that previous happened at a time when I WAS meeting all emotional needs (he confirms same), frightens the begeebeez outa me - in other words, what is it that led him there? He provides NO insight, chalks it up to immaturity (he was 34 at the time, successful carreer, anything but immature on most fronts). Do I also need to know about other indescretions (lies/deceit about women he has gone for lunch with - former "partners" even if there was nothing happening?) Again, how do I bring it up? It would be much nicer if he did but this is not likely to happen, despite the fact that he understands the honesty/disclosure part of things. My main concern is to not react with any love busters - any suggestions on how to avoid anger when you are burning up inside?<BR>Thanks.

I am a one year veteran. Kind of feels good to say.<P>At first...months...I had an incredible need to know...not sexual details as much as what it was all about....how far it went...how emotionally invested he was...and how he felt about her.<P>My H had an incredible need not to talk. He would say he was sorry, he couldn't believe he did it, he would never do it again, he felt nothing for her but pity by the end, etc...<P>We probably have not talked more than a few hours about it all added up in one year.<P>Looking back, I think this was at least right for us. I asked one more time at the one year marker. My H still doesn't know "why" he did it. OK...there were some little contributing factors...but I think he was curious, a little naive, in the wrong place (bar) and was ripe for a mid life thing.<P>All the talking in the world won't change what happened.<P>Rebuilding, being honest, being commited, learning the life lessons...these are things that will have positive impact.<P>So think twice about hashing it all out if you are confident your H has changed how he thinks, or what he believes, or is more mature...whatever.<P>Grow and build and you may find the details are best left.<P>If however, you really NEED to hear them, I do not at all suggest your H refuse to tell you. No matter what you do, a joint decision is best.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13