hello, i'm new to this board.. and i will try to keep this short. i'm 27,we've been together for 12 years, married for almost 7 years. my H had been having an affair with a co-worker. i found out at 4:30am on christmas eve 1998, i had no idea where he was, what he was doing.. but i figured it out when he came home to me sitting on the couch..not a word was said, he went to the shower. i was crushed.<BR>it's been a very difficult road since then. the OW has continually harassed me, mentally AND physically. my H has done nothing to protect me, but swears he is through with her. i've caught him in many lies this past year. lies that conclude with him continuing to see her. she is nuts, to put it mildly. when i found out about the affair, she pulled the "i'm pregnant" line, to keep him close to her. at the 3 month mark, she mysteriously miscarried. she continues to use this line with my H. she has 4 other children (all by different men) and insisted to them to call my H "daddy". we have no children. <BR>well now.. he's apparently seen the error of his ways. wants to be with me and work on our marriage. she continues to harass me, this whole thing is affecting his work. he is in the process of seeking other employment to get away from her. we are both doing things to benefit our relationship, but i still continue to find clues, evidence.. things that make my mind wonder, if he is being sincere. i want to believe that he is.<BR>he is very non-confrontational. to him, it's better to avoid anything that could cause conflict, rather than to resolve it. so things tend to fester. i need to know how to get through to him. so he and i understand things better and can work this whole mess out. i love him and i think he loves me, but this OW won't go away.<BR>sorry this was so long. i really could go on, but i'm sure other things will come up if i continue to post. thank you.

Welcome to MB tracing-<P>I am sorry you have to be heer - as we are all sorry for the resons we are here. But you have come to a great place for advice. I am sure a real regular will be along at any moment to welcome you properly but I wanted to say welcome before heading out. If you can get your H to read anything on the MB website-it is all veru useful. My suggestion is that you and your H both find a way tos top the OW from making any contact with either of you. If I knew a bit more I could say more but I am a bit wary at this point.<P>I will say a prayer for you and hope to talk with you again soon!<P>Take care-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Welcome <B>tracing</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I'm the normal welcome wagon... but tonight I've been busy... sorry...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Consider, as you go through the recovery with your H... to stay in a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... it helps the process best!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Have you thought about counseling? It may be a motivator to get your H invloved... even if you have to go alone for a while.<P>Eventually, you will need the support of your H to have things broken off with OW... He'll have to realize this. That pain to you cannot go on forever.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

thank you Heartache, and NSR. i have been reading quite a few different books on the subject, and checking out MB on the web. my husband has been quasi-interested in the books, and not at all interested in counseling. i have gone to counceling it seems forever. he says he isn't made that way, and that counseling isn't going to help him. alot has happened to us this past year, and in trying to get through it, make sense of it i end up having alot of outburts. i think mostly because it seems to be the only way to get my H's attention, considering he avoids any conflict. ( he pretends he doesn't hear me, because if you don't talk about it.. there is nothing wrong) his family was always like that, looks like it rubbed off on him. we are reading "after the affair" together, and trying to discuss passages that are revelant to our situation. it does seem to be helping. i guess all in all he seems to be willing to work this out, but it seems to me (from past experience) that when the chips are down, or things are not going so well, or as easy as we'd like, he goes running to her. instead of telling me there is a problem. he swears he won't do that again, but how can i trust that he won't? like i said before i keep finding clues, things that make me think. and if i do confront him, what i've found is from a long time ago. well then, WHY is it in MY house. why did he bring this stuff to my home anyway? it's things like that i'm finding myself dwelling on.<BR>i'm trying not to dwell. really.<BR>but then i get a mysterious phone call, or something. this OW continues to harass me, and i'm just supposed to think it will go away eventually. all this over the period of a year. he swore he wouldnt go back to her. but the longer she bothers me, and i get upset.. for some reason he takes it all mental in his head and ends up back with her, sneaking and lying to me. i think she continues to harass me because she thinks she will drive me far enough to give up on my H, and he will go back to her. but that isn't going to happen. i just wish he would protect me, but he clams up anytime i mention it.