Went to dinner with W- nothing fancy, just to this taco joint. If I could afford it I would had taken her to one of our favorite restaurants, at least this was her favorite taco place- I figured it was OK, since money is a big issue right now and a fancy place would had put pressure on the money issue.<P>I wanted it to be like a "first date", tried to avoid "the subject"- it seems that since this thing started we don't talk about anything else. She kept bringing it back until she said it's over. And over I guess it is since she disarmed me with the gay issue- "it's not about you, it's not about (OP), it is about me & you can't give me what I need and never did, I was fooling myself almost since the beginning trying to think that it was OK but it wasn't".<P>So that's that, the lie didn't begin 2 months ago but most of our 14½ years of marriage- she was fooling herself she says & in the meantime she fooled me.<P>Discussed the lawyer we could use in case we separate legally —divorce— and (weird!!) made plans to build some condos on this big lot that we bought last year to build our dream home (s**t!).<P>No fight, no regrets, lots of tears and a hug when we got back home. Talked about separation but can't afford it right now - we could but I won't push it- in my stupidity I want to believe that there is still hope for us.<P>Or maybe there is not hope and we should just move on- this forum is not to "fix" gay issues, if she wants to pursue that path, what can I do to stop her? Told her that I am taking D to my to see her cousins for X-Mas this year, she says it's too far away & she has another invitation that she would like to attend- in Detroit with OP and OP's D to meet the family.<P>And yet, something deep inside me tells me that someday, somehow… she'll come back. Just don't know if I will still be there for her.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Alex--Wow, I'm speechless. Your wife thinks she's gay???? After 14.5 yrs. of marriage???<P>I know it happens but wow...I have no words of wisdom, just thought I'd offer you my support, thoughts and prayers.<P>And to remind you to be kind and gentle on yourself, my friend!<P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis<P>

Alex <P>My friend, I am so sorry to hear how your evening went. <P>You have an even larger cross to bear than most. The extinuating circumstances of your wife's new found sexual preferance makes your road even more difficult to travel.<P>But let me tell you a little story. <P>My youngest daughter was in a theater group for many years. One of the adult women in the group is married with 3 children. Her youngest daughter auditioned for a part in Les Mis on broadway and won the roll. Her husband moved with their daughter to NYC so the child could be on Broadway. <P>While her H was in NYC the W became openly involved with the theater director ( They had been involved for a number of years before this but it was kept very hush hush) who happens to be a woman. The theater director, for some reason unknown to me as I am not even close to being gay, decided she would confide in me. She went on and on about how so and so has been gay all her life but lied to herself and her husband of over 20 years. She told me how much she was in love with her and visa versa. She said the only reason she didn't leave her H already was because it would hurt her kids too much and her H would bring it all up in court and she would loose all custody. But now that the youngest was 12 the courts would let the kids decide who they wanted to live with and all 3 kids really liked her (yeah, right) the W would soon leave her H for her. Well, eventually their child decided she no longer wanted to do the Broadway show. H and child returned. My D had since left the theater group and I lost touch with everyone involved with that group. I figured that the W had most likely left her H and moved in with the theater director because the last she had told me that was their plan. But this past Sept I ran into the H and W. Not only are they still togehter when I saw them they were holding hands and looking very much in love. Now I have no idea if she has totally broken off with the OW or not. But I do know that it was the OW that was convincing the W that she has been in denial about her sexual preferance all along.<P>The reason I told you this story is two fold. First, NEVER give up, if you want to keep your wife and family intact. You never know exactly what has motivated her to seek the affections of an OW. Perhaps she is experimenting with something that has intrigued her in the past. I bet she hasn't even thought of the long term ramifications this will have on your child, or of the distinct possibilty of her NOT getting physical custody of your daughter.Secondly, the fact your wife is telling you she has been gay all along and has hidden it from herself as well as you may not be all together true. Are those her real thoughts? Or are those the thoughts she has been fed by the OP? Hmmm.. certainly food for thought. <P>Regardless, I will pray for you to get through this all and come out of it happy and healthy what ever the outcome may be. I will pray for your D and her well being. I will pray for your wife to come to her senses about her loving husband and the right thing to do. <P>FC

Thank you hanora, Francis & Fingers Crossed.<P>My W lived for 3 years with a woman in NYC & had other lesbian experiences. I knew this & also the risk involved in having a relationship with her & in marrying her. BUT, when she told me she talked about her PAST, never thought that I would live it as her PRESENT. Although most of her sexual experiences were with men she says that she has always prefer women, sort of 80/20 (I joked & asked if I could have 6 days a month {30 days x 20%}). I guess after years of me not meeting her emotional needs she turned to this %$·"!@& IT- says she could never have an affair with OM because she married the best man around (yes, sure) & that she loves me but not in the way I want (yeah right).<P>Dunno- I am too tired & going back to bed (tried to sleep a while ago but couldn't); It's 2:48 AM local time & have to get up at 6 to prepare D for school.<P>See ya!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

Alex,<P>I don't mean to be harsh...<P>If this was really a "date"...<BR>Trying to make it "fun" should have been your goal...<P>No talking about lawyers...<BR>No talking about separation...<BR>No talking about controversial plans (Xmas)<P>Just "fun" stuff...<BR>Things you used to talk about 14 1/2 years ago!<BR>Do the "silly" or "romantic" things you use to do...<P>You can still do it... <BR>Have a better second date... <P>Jim<P>

Jim,<P>I did not want to talk about lawyers, future Christmas or separation- all these came out after she insisted that it's over. She kept bringing the subject back & I always changed the subject to fun things but she always brought it back. I guess her idea was to have a last date. <P>It's sorta funny, ya know? The first time we went to dinner I was so broke that after looking at the right side of the menu (prices) said "try the chicken, it's very good"; last night we went for tacos because we're so broke now... <P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 12, 2000).]

Alex, I'm not sure - You need to know does she think she's been fooling herself about being "straight" or about being in-love with you. Sorry, can't help you on the gay issue.<P>But if she's saying she's not sure she was ever in love with you, that you really gave her what she needed... My h said the same thing, and he's not anymore. He honestly could not remember being in-love with me.

schizzo,<P>No, she says she was very much in love with me & that she can't imagine me out of her life. She says that she was fooling herself about been able to live a straight life.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<BR>

I hope I don't offend with any of this.<P>I don't believe there are very many true bisexuals around. Mostly, I believe these are gay people who are trying to fool themselves. <P>Your wife is gay. She was gay when you married, and she will be gay when she dies. There is nothing you or anyone else can do to change that. This is not a failure on your part, or on her part, or the result of your not meeting her important emotional needs. The problem is that you can't meet her important emotional needs. If you could, she wouldn't be gay. You can no more meet her emotional and sexual needs than a man could meet yours.<P>Think about it. What would it take for you to enter into a lifelong, sexual relationship with a man? That is what it would take for your wife.<P>She has already made it clear. She explained that she preferred women when you married, and she wants to visit her girlfriend's family for Christmas. How much clearer can it be?<P>Get yourself a lawyer. It's done.<P>

rs0522,<P>Never mind.<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 13, 2000).]