I remember walking down the aisle on my wedding day, I remember seeing my husband's face, he had that grin on his face and I could see his dimbles which I love. I remember thinking how handsome he was and feeling that love in my heart.<P>I was so naive and young thinking that I would always feel that way. Then I hear my husband say things like he said today and think "why hasn't it changed for him, how come I feel differently now". I know the way he treated me differently affected things over time. I felt like something was missing before I had the affair and I didn't have the sense to seek counseling or try to work things out before the affair happened, which really makes me hate myself.<P>When Andy said that I feel that emptiness inside now and that feeling of missing something. That even though I am still in withdrawal, I do feel I'm getting over my OM but I remember those feelings I had with him and it's so different at home.<P>Before the affair happened I felt the same emptiness and I turned to OM for comfort thinking he was the answer to all my prayers, now I'm back to where I was before it all started. I can say that I've learned alot and that I would never have another affair and my husband is trying to work on things and I am trying and we are in counseling, which all these things weren't happening before the affair happened and maybe it'll just take time for everything to settle with me.<P>I want to feel normal again and I can't wait to get there.

Just thinking again...and I got to agree with Dazed. I love my H, but it is no honeymoon. I wish I had that kind of energy and time!<P>You know when we haven't sex for a while...or when it has been ho hum when we are both tired, etc... I start not to miss it. I don't even think about it much.<P>But when we do have a great night? I want more right away. OK...now I am giving way too much information.<P>The same with skiing. On the way to the ski hill for the first time each season, I think ho hum...is this worth the hassle of getting all the equiptment ready and loaded. I think of the cold, I think that I like the bones the way they are currently positioned and if my H weren't driving...I doubt if I would make it there. But after a few runs I remember. This is fun!<P>And that's the point of acting "as if". Not to be fake...but to get something going. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey, Hum!<P>At least you're remembering now how you used to feel. I'll bet three months ago you didn't.<P>That's progress.<P>And you're NOT in the same place you were before the affair. You've learned a lot, you have all of us ( ), and you're both in counseling.<P>As for your last sentence, well, that sounds pretty positive and hopeful to me.

Dear Hummingbird, Holly and (hi Airheart),<P>I wish there were a way I could chat with you two or e-mail you. Don't know if there is a way to do private e-mail?<P>It has been about two years for me and I am doing better. I have been where you are and my heart goes out to both of you. Time, time, time is a huge factor.<P>I know that empty feeling. I do think that Harley is on the right track with the Emotional Needs thing. We finally did some work in his workbook. That has helped enormously, it has taken me a long time to process all of this but my H and I are doing a lot better.<P>I think it takes a long time to first get over OM, then a long time to understand what was missing. It is a lot of work and thinking but i think one can be better off for it. I mean, have a better marriage. I would not go back to pre-affair marriage. <P>Wish I could help, there is a lot I could tell you of my "journey"

Whoops, just looked back, I guess that was Hummingbird and Susan!! Sorry

Hum... When I see your situation I feel like I am looking at myself only just a bit further down the road is all... My heart aches so badly sometimes that I just feel like dying... <P>My H does tell me over and over again how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. But, it seems there is something missing when he says it... It makes me feel really crummy when I realize that it probably doesn't mean as much to me hearing it as it does to him saying it... This I am working on getting over....<P>Sometimes, I wish I had someone like you to talk to, one on one, due to the fact that we share a lot of common feelings and struggles. Your post hit home in many ways with me! The smooth spoken OM, and more. Also, I analize things to death! That makes me crazy at times! The things that he showed me that H doesn't or can't, at least right now. I will work on this also...<P>OM has said some things recently that have made me want to scream! But it doesn't make the pain any easier... Sigh...<P>I feel for you lady.... hang in there and I will try my best to hang in there too... I really am trying....<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited January 12, 2000).]

I'll bet all of those gooey, earthshaking,butterfly feelings would come back to all of you who say they don't have them if your spouse were to walk out on you right now!! Let them have an affair and see how fast you would regain those feelings. I'll bet I would be correct in every case. <P>I am trying to be gentle here but all of you seem to have lost respect for your spouse. They are there for you always and you know it and don't fear them. How many times do you see one of us betrayed here say that we didn't realize what we had until the affair blew us away? Those butterflies return when you talk to them, you hang on their every word, every facial expression, everything they say is perfect. We didn't notice that before they left us for the arms of another but boy now we do.<P>I am not trying to disregard your feelings. Only stating that if your spouse had the affair...those feelings would return quickly...<P>Just venting....

Broken,<P>Sorry if anything I said on this thread made you angry. I should've kept my mouth closed anyway. <P>--andy

You are absolutely right Broken! That is why I am fighting for my marriage right now... and I am not going to give up on H. I know that he can make me feel like that. Now and then, between his criticism of me and blame he places on me, he lets me feel it... and I am going to make damn sure that I get it back.... And then hopefully the criticism and blame will stop... I have faith.... As far as losing respect for my H, I guess maybe I have done that a little. But, there were reasons for it. No, it wasn't all his fault, but he did contribute. I do love him... (The "in love" will come in time.) But I have to forgive myself before I could ever expect him to forgive me...<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited January 13, 2000).]

Broken:<P>I'm not trying to be antagonistic, but I'm curious as to why you think a spouse's affair brings on the giddy butterflys of "being in love'. It seems to me to be desparation, trying to hold onto a relationship that's been suddenly turned upside-sown.<P>It sucks, really. Here God gives us a tremendous need to feel in love. But barring an affair, we only get to really BE in love once--for a short time before, and an even shorter time after our wedding. <P>Whoever said God didn't have a sense of humor?

I'm telling you... I was so totally in love and hot for my H for years and years... I'm told that *we* weren't <B>normal</B> because I used to joke about putting my H on a lazy susan and spinning him around just to look at him (he'd KILL me for telling )...<P>I think falling in love again is possible, but it sure isn't easy.<P>And Broken, I understand your hurt, because I"ve been on both sides (as betrayed first and then betrayer years later), but until I betrayed I didn't understand or believe how it could happen... The truth is: I fell out of love with my H... and it's hard to get it back. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Bonnie & Lacee: My yahoo email is Rose_hbird@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk to me, I would be happy to.<P>My husband hugged me this morning and he said "I love you, you know" and I said "I know, I love you too" but it was different somehow, I can't explain it. Sometimes I feel hope and I guess there's always hope until it's really over. <P><BR>

I'm feeling very sad reading this thread. Not because I feel that it's negative or anything...but, because it's so honest and I hate to admit that I'm still feeling the same way as Hum, Susan, Airheart, & Lacee.<P>For the past couple of months I have been trying to think more positively like D&C, Bonny and FH&L. I agree that changing the way I think and having a more positive outlook on things has made me feel better and improved things tremendously. I feel my husband and I are closer than before the affair. <P>However, sometimes I feel like having this positive outlook is just covering up my true feelings deep down inside. I feel like the only reason I've changed my outlook is because if I don't I will just be a hypocrite. <P>The thing is I don't necessarily feel "in love" with my husband...I still don't know if we are meant to be together. But, since I'm a chicken sh*t and have chosen not to get a divorce and don't think I ever could (unless things were to get really horrible)...I am forced to change my outlook.<P>So, since I've decided to stay married and decided to love my husband...I want to figure out how to turn my positive outlook into something more natural.<P>I'm not trying to fake my love for my husband...I don't want to do that. I just want to know what love is...if what I have with my husband is love or not.<P>Bonny...I would be interested in hearing more about your "journey". <P><BR>

Broken is right, folks.<P>I had a pretty humdrum marriage for a LONG time. In fact, sometimes I thought I'd prefer to be alone. I could go to the movies every night, get a dog, save money on car insurance, do less laundry.<P>I'm serious. I thought this way.<P>Having an external threat to your marriage is often a wake-up call that sifts through the day-to-day detritus you build up in a marriage and helps you see your partner the way you did when the relationship was new.<P>I don't think this is an optimal way for it to happen, but happen it does.<P>My job now is to keep it this way, and never get complacent again.

Backing up Dazed on this one, although I was thought our marriage was good, it had become routine, mostly with kids and obligations.<P>When I thought my marriage was threatened my personality split...half of me was hurt and angry...and the other half "had" to have him. Our sex life was the easiest thing to improve. And when I wasn't being an emotional wreck, I was having fluttering feelings. That was part of the reason I though I was going insane.<P>Sounds kind of warped, but it is true. And of course I would warn you "don't try this at home"<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

First of all I want to state my comments here are directed to no one in particular. But after reading this thread there are a few things I'd like to say.<P>I believe there are several phases to love. The one we all start off in is new passionate young love. Excitemnet is never ending. Two people constantly discovering new nooks and crannies to each others minds, souls, and bodies. As life goes on love grows into a more mature love. Much has been discovered. Some of the nooks and crannies that have been explored hold less than exhalerating findings. Not to say that mature love still isn't exciting, it just isn't constantly exciting any longer. <P>In the beginning there were no children, fewer bills, less health concerns, and even that dragon breathe in the morning seemed sweet. <P>After years of marriage, a couple of kids, a mortgage and college expenses becoming a reality, that sweet morning breathe tends to loose some of its sweetness.<P>But does that mean you love your S any less? I don't think so. I think for those that truely love their spouses and are adult in their ability to look at life in general they look beyond all of the daily mundane things life consists of. They realize who they married and loved all those years ago is still the person they are married to. Yes, it is our responcibilty to keep excitement in our marriages but to think it will be constant like when a couple is first married... I do believe this is a bit unrealistic. Kinda hard to look aluring when the kid with the Pox just barfed on you after you haven't slept in 48 hours when H walks through the door, isn't it?<P>This I think for some is where affairs come into the picture. <P>Some can't deal with the love maturing. Some think love should and does stay at the first exciting level. When they can't deal with that they seek out or are taken in by someone who brings to them that exciting new love. <P>What eventually happens is that the *new* love does eventually mature, as well. Leaving the betrayer right back at square one, only this time with another. Hence this is why affairs rarely turn into marriages and the ones that do rarely last.<P>Of course this is just my take on some affairs. I could be wrong, for many other's situations. <P>I'm not sure why I felt a need to type this all out. There was just something in this thread that compelled me to.<P>Hope it wasn't too redundant or just old news that others have been saying on this forum for many years. And by no means is this intended to be negative or insulting to anyone. I am not into flame wars and have no intention of starting one or participating in one.<P>FC

To Doug: Apparently you think God has played a cruel joke on you only allowing you the "in love" feelings to flourish just prior to and just after the wedding. I am sorry it seems to be that way for you. For me, sometimes I feel I have been cursed with being DEEPLY in love with my spouse for 20 years-never wavering-always thinking he is the most beautiful, clever, intellegent, charismatic, hilarious, sexy man I have ever known. And he married me. The cruel joke for me is that he betrayed me even though I had all these intense feelings for him all these years, always showing him how special he is/was. What was so strange for me was that it never seemed that one loved more than the other. I am baffled by it all. <BR>I have come to the realization that when one loves too deeply, their disappointment and despair at losing that love is doubly painful. It also makes it impossible for me to let go of the marriage because I want it all back. <BR>Which is worse-having it and losing it? Or not having it and wanting it? And how do we change our attitudes? What makes us marry the people we marry in the first place? What was it that set them apart from all the others? Do we loose our gratitude and appreciation for what we have with them? Do we think we are missing out on something else? Do we think we are better suited for someone else? Do we all think that "once in a lifetime" love is still out there? Do we think we still haven't met 'the one'?<BR>My guess is that we are who we are with because that was in God's plan, the hand of fate and it's up to us to ignore the popular culture's suggestions 'to love the one we're with', 'to find yourself', and other self centered thinking and turn towards the person we vowed to love through thick and thin, for better or for worse, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, til death do us part. <BR>If we focus on our spouse, perhaps the rest will come naturally in time.<BR>

Hum, FHL, <P>I feel down too, and I'll tag along here instead of starting a new one. I could have written what Hum did, EXCEPT that I'm the betrayed and my h doesn't say things like that.<P>Last night I couldn't sleep. He comes home preoccupied with work. Last night was our night out, but his mind was at work. The night before he had mentioned that a good friend was coming and could she stay with us while she pursues moving here. I'm not sure if I'm just losing it or he is too distracted but I figured it would be for a few days. Last night he said he had already confirmed it and then it struck him that I may not have understood it would be at least three months. Duh. Boy, do we communicate! Actually, I am enthusiastic, it was just the way we communicate.<P>I don't know how an affair can be said to bring back the flutters to the betrayed! It was a major wake-up call that all is not well, that's all. I had somehow come to terms with my life, with my unmet needs. Now, it's as if I'm in withdrawal for the man I think I need, for the needs that may never be met.<P>FHL, you say your h is clueless. That's how I feel. His needs for affection and conversation are at the bottom of the 10. He recognizes I'm not that way. He's often said I need to find others - friends, etc. to fill the gap. That is largely why I'm here. I should look to others to meet my needs - except what? sex and financial? that sounds like a recipe for an affair. He compares himself to the TERMINATOR, a completely results oriented, non-emotive person. Like I'm weak because I feel and he doesn't.<P>I'm not sure he is capable of loving anyone, and he is the only person in this world that I thought truly loved me. I still believe life is not worth living, but don't worry, it is against my faith to end it.