I have a problem that keeps coming up again an again, and I need some advise on how to deal with it. My husband is a very good-looking man, tall, strong, flirtatious, and generally fun to be around. Most everyone likes him. But, he has absolutely no self-esteem. Now for the problem. Women throw themselves at him all the time! It doesn't matter if I am standing there or not. They will be all over him, and it is really insulting. I can tell when he doesn't like it because he will say something like "Man did to catch that? What was her deal?" When he does like it he says it is my imagination. I am sure that my reaction to the OW was what led to his one nighter. <P>My D's BF's mother had been flirting with my H for a long time, and I was pretty sick of it. He said that it was my imagination, "she's not like that" (yeah right!) She showed up at my D's birthday party with her daughter, in a pair of skintight jeans and a tight shirt. Hmmm… I told my H that I wasn't comfortable with her, he said the same old thing. I had to keep score for everyone, so I had to sit there with my back to them. Every time I turned around, she was next to him laughing and batting her eyes, rubbing against him. Really laying it on thick. ::Yuck!:: I told him again that I didn't like it. He said just ignore her. I was very angry by now. Then I looked back and they were both gone! He went to get the pizzas and she went with him. I was too mad to deal with by this time. I didn't say anything to her, but I know that all I did was make myself look bad and her look good. After that it was open season. She came to my house when I was at work, called him at work, called my house to talk to him about the girls. (Do you believe that?)<P>The same day that he "met her" when he got back, he was completely different. We had a long talk. He said that he had been thinking of leaving, but that he had realized that he was just being stupid and that he couldn't live without me. And that he was very sorry. She is trash, he sees that now, he won't admit it but he does. It's a little too late though. She has done so much since then, but that is a different story. There is a lot more, but this is getting really long.<P>After D-day when we talked about the birthday party, he said that the way I reacted to her that day contributed to the problem. How should I have handled it, and what should I do in the future. This is a constant problem! I am tempted to just start showing my a** when women do that. I believe that instead of getting mad at my H for not stopping them I should do it myself. I need some input!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P><BR>

Boy, I thought that I was the only one in this tyoe of situation. I have learned by my experience that when you are not comfortable with someone swooning over your H then tell <BR>the person, my h doesn't know how to say no and that is what got him into trouble, instead of my telling him to have her stop calling and dropping by I should have went with my gut feeling and told her myself, well she still trys to bother us but know I <BR>am the one who tells her to her face. I will not tell my h anymore to tell someone to quit calling I will tell them myself. <P>hope things work out for you<P>nita

I agree with Nita....if your H won't tell the woman...then tell the woman yourself. It's better than no one telling her.<P>Good luck!<P>I also think that you need to discuss this problem with your H in a Non-Lovebusting way.

Welcome <B>NotQuiteOverIt</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I saw your reply to <B>cryinginside&out</B>'s post yesterday... and thought you'd aprreciate you own welcome wagon message! <BR>You'll be able to come back to this post in the future and use the "quick links"(i.e. underlined words)<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You need to be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through hard times right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Is your husband in a true withdrawal from the OW. Putting this into some formal document would be helpful to you and your H... if H says the OW is nothing.... the "How to tell a lover that the relationship is over" letter (on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>) is a great example.<P>Do get the book!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Ok! Now how do I tell them to BACK OFF!!! Without looking like a shrew? I have thought about just putting my foot in between them and sliding right in. It might just make her as uncomfortable as me! <P>Any ideas?!!

Sorry I've been away from the forum for a while and just got back to writing and what do I find but a kindred spirit of sorts. I hear your song matter of fact I've sung a few bars of that one myself only my situation went a little further and yes he was going to leave with her and she was my best friend, not my kids'. Quickly in a nutshell, I thought I was seeing what I was seeing only everyone (him and her) told me I was not. They both made me feel kinda silly for suggesting anything but in the end...if it looks like a duck and quacks or is a quack as the case may be believe what your gut tells you.(In my case, all's well and H and I are doing splendidly, thank you.)<P>Back to the situation at hand.....looking back I wish maybe I had not been so reserved in my displays of affection, so I would have to suggest go ahead slide right in there between them and make it very evident YOU are his and he is YOURS no doubt about it. Little inuendos about later or last night or something totally off from the homelife reality-check thing. I mean I don't think I would mention at that point someone needs to tend to the sick baby or pick up the dry cleaning or whatever because I think that is part of what drives a man to seek someone else, that fantasy life where the poop doesn't stink and you never have to pay -for anything or any deed. Make yourself his fantasy girl. Or maybe yet, you could ask her in front of him some reality like question-or maybe that would be considered a love-buster I don't know.<P>A question-is she married, what's her status as far as he is concerned, was he thinking of leaving because of her or what. Just trying to put it in perspective here. If you've already answered these questions, I'm sorry, like I said, my monitoring of the board has been sparse lately.<P>What's going on with the negativity here anyway, I feel like I must have missed something, I felt like I needed to turn a light on or something when I got here because it seemed really dark. <BR> <BR>Hope I helped just a bit, I feel for ya.<P>Duck and Weave<BR>(this is me not my H, sometimes he writes using my user name)

Yes she is married, her H saw the phone bill, she told him that if my husband left me she would leave him. D-Day, October 7th. He said that he was thinking of leaving me. Not for her but because he was hurting me. ::Yeah Right!:: She kept calling for two weeks. He finally told her to stop calling and get it right with her H. Then she called me a cussed me out! He is not interested in her anymore. I'm sure of that.<P>We have been married 19 years, the kids are 15 & 13. We have always been very close. It may not be a fantasy but it has been really great!<P>This is a letter I just wrote to my H. It is a little long but it says a lot. It should explain what kind of answers I am looking for… Any suggestions are welcome!<P>I tried to tell you that I felt threatened by the way she was acting, by her coming to the house, and calling. I tried telling you that I felt threatened by you spending so much time with her, and by the way you were acting towards her. When it gets right down to it, you were interested in her and you didn't care how I felt. Nothing I said mattered because you weren't listening. What was I supposed to do? She is Courtney's mom. I wanted to tell her to carry her [censored]. I wanted to kick her [censored]! But most of all I wanted you to admit to yourself what was going on and WAKE UP!<P>You're probably right I probably didn't say anything at the birthday party about how I felt. I'm pretty sure that I had given up by then. I had been trying to tell you for months, and all you would say is that she wasn't doing anything. She did do something to get your attention or you wouldn't have done it<P>Right now I feel like if I don't find out what I could have done, or what I can do in the future, I won't be able to live with it. I feel that my life has spun out of control. Someone slipped in and took it all away and I couldn't stop it. I have to find a way to feel like I have gotten it back. <P>Now after everything has happened, you still say she didn't do anything…<P>That woman at the party didn't threaten me. If it had been any other time, I would have laughed at her. It was just too soon. I know that you didn't know what to do. I was hoping that you would reach out and put your arm around me. Next time…<P>