Hello,<P>After having a pretty good few days I had a melt down today. I think H did too. If you judge by the yelling and sore throat i have. A basic frame overview is this. I was watching TLC and they ahd a wedding on....I started feeling sad that I no longer has that undieing love my H promised me at our wedding. And started to imagine How H adn OW were together. This alwasy brings me down but I can't stop my brain sometimes from Imaginig how they professed love and were the classic Romeo and Juliet. H says it doesn't matter if they had that kind of love because he Chose me. And OW lost. But to me it matters. Him allowing himeslf to be with another woman shakes me to my inner soul. The fact that i can no longer say My H is and always has been mine. His heart does still have a piece of OW in it and I hate to share. When H heard i was thinking that way he got pissed off. Mad that i make things up in my head to be mad at. I do not create senerios I just see things and say "That was H adn OW a bit ago" Not healthy I know but being forced to keep my mouth shut to avoid love busters has lead me to this melt down. I can't avoid what my brain thinks. And By not talkign as much as I feel I should to protect H's feelign s I'm hurting myself. <BR>Before this we were running on auto pilot had a great session in therapy. But Part of that is becasue I shut up and put up. I do not share my inner sorrow becasue thats Love busting......Can't remind H he was a Jerk and had a affair thats cruel....or so I'm told. <BR>H and I basicly returned to square one today....I'm mad that I can't expres how i feel without a fight. But he can say i'm not trying adn basicly whatever he wants. He faviorate line this week is "It wasn';t real just a fantasy" as if that makes it easier for me to deal with??? For 6 months it was real and she was better then me. It being over doesn't change it. It still happened and I fear it will happen again if I do not Preform well. <BR>I feel this melt down was unavoidable. Perhasp divorcing is the best thing? After all H is fond of pointing out what i will and will not be able to get over. And that i'm going to torture him forever. Its been 2 weeks since he left ehr and I feel he thinks I shoudl be over it. Says I enjoy feeling bad.............Believe me I ahte this and if I need to divorce to end it then OK....I'm so pissed off I might as well say screw it. H acts like he is a angel just for leaving OW. Says that deserves my love. I just can't trust so easy...all the lies and selfish things H has done can't just go away becasue he finaly chose his family.<P>Help<BR>Confusedwife

dear dear confused,<BR>melt down is a good way to describe it. and it comes and goes. from reading your history it seems that you have only been "in recovery" for 17 days or so? this is a difficult path you have chosen. right, but hard. there are painful tormenting moments. agonizing days. i have been in recovery for almost a year, and i still have days like that. but i can honestly say that the horrible thoughts and mental pictures get fewer and farther between. if you go back to the marriage builders forums opening page, there is a forum called 'woman's bible study', and a post called 'capturing those thoughts' or something like that, posted by pogp, read that. <BR> when i woke up this morning, my first thought was that 'my husband has robbed my love bank AND burned down the building'. he is patiently loving me and trying to win my heart back, but the pain sometimes just tears my heart up all over again. the healing process is sooo slow, and hard as it is to believe, you will heal, and start to feel better.<BR> oh on the woman's bible study forum ther is a post called, what do we do when we are really down. read that too.<BR>i am praying for you.

Wow,<BR>There was alot of me and my stbx in your post. He expected me to be over it in 2 weeks. Also that stuff about "seems like we like to feel bad". I heard all that stuff. But I also didn't keep my mouth shut. I could go about 2 weeks and then I would just be so overwhelmed and tell him how sad and hurt I was. Or I would tell him what I imagined. Again, notice that I said STBX. YUK! I hate this D. I thought that the D was what would be best after everything. But really it is something I will always regret.<BR>Nancy

Neen,<P>Thank you for your quick reply. Yes it has been since December 28th i think, only been 17 days yet my H acts like I should "get over it" He is loving and trys but ets mad when i can't respond with 100% enthuseasum (god I suck at spelling). I'm trying so hard but H says I'm not. Says M ejust being here isn't enough. I tell him My being is is means more then he thinks. After all I ahev put up with alot. For a week I stayed home with D while he spent the eveings with OW. I stayed and didn't run like My brain was screaming me to do. And I'am trying just becasue i need to talk about it and can't caused this meltdown. H says over and over that I'm dwelling and throwing the affair in his face. I NEED to talk. Nut the mear mention of it I'm tortureing him. This is not fair I need to heal and H will not let me do it slowly..he says he will btu whenever i need to talk he gets pissed off that i think of OW and him. And How for 6 months I was NOT good enough adn she was better. He agrees that this is true for a long time I was not good enough adn he did think he wanted OW more. But blames me for making him pick a woman. Says i forced him to pick OW since she was the "path of least resistance" So now its my fault there Affair went to the next level??? When later it comes out they were intamate well for X-mas. He just likes to blame everyone but himself. <P>I'm so lost. I'm so afraid if i commit he will just cheat again. I can't go through this again. I'm not getting any younger here.<P>Confusedwife

Mental,<P>Do you feel any relief now that you decided to leave your STBX??? I'm so scred to make a decision that I stand still in this vicious circle for pain. I was feeling better or so I thought. Seems I ahev not come quite that far. I ahev no one other then this BB to talk with. Family trys to help but I learned today that H resents it when i ask them for help becasue they alwasy ahev good ideas and point to make. They never sway me one way or another but tehy make me think..and thinking is bad i guess. One point H keeps making is it should be better becasue he simply "Chose" me. This doesn't prove much to me since H knew the affair was going no where....he once again covered his Butt and chose me. He denys that but some of it is true since i was the one counciling him when OW seemed she was gonna leave him. <P>Confusedwife

Just to let you know. My husband and I have been in recovery for 13 months now. The first few months were hard, I cried myself to sleep many nights and wondered if I had made the wrong decision. But as the months passed it got better. One thing that helped me is that I quit talking about it as much. I realized that unless I went out and had an affair, that he will never understand how bad I felt. Nobody could have told me how bad it hurt before it happened to me. Just try to avoid tv shows and stuff that make you feel bad. Heck, at times I still can't watch something with a blonde in it! (Sorry, in case you're a blonde).

Your letter could have been written by me!.. You setiments express mine so much. I think we are at the same place. My H doesn't or won't understand why I can't just "let it go"<BR>and quit talking and thinking about it. I will keep you in my prayers, I wish you the best