Hi Guys,<P>Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been really busy at work and busy at home w/ the little one.<P>Anyway, for those that don't know, my H is in FL w/ OW for the week. He left Sat and won't be home until Fri. He went on business, for 3 days and I'm assume the rest of the time is a mini vacation w/ OW.<P>He doesn't know I know he is w/ OW (well, he might, but I never mentioned knowing). <P>He has called me 3, count 'em, 3 times since Saturday!!!! He left a message Monday, telling me is was 'checking' in on us, and asked that I call him back. Well, I didn't because I got busy, plus the fact that if he really wanted to talk to me, he'd call back. He did. We talked for about 20 minutes, about his flight, his meetings, small chit chat.<P>He called again last night, but only got the machine. I never called him back, because it was late. Then, he called once more tonight. He told me that his meetings were over, and that he was enjoying the FL sunshine. He told me twice that he would be home on Friday. We only talked for a few minutes, but when he hung up he said, "Take Care Cheryl" (ok, Lori, this is where YOU come in ).<P>So, does this MEAN anything or is he just being nice? I find it VERY strange that he would call while out of state w/ hie secret lover.<P>I don't know folks. Lately, he has me more confused than ever. Any thoughts?<P><BR>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Hi Ceecee,<P>I won't be of much help to you because I am in the same boat. All, I can say is it sounds as though he's conflicted. That's why he's staying in touch. He misses you. Lord only knows what goes on in their demented minds. Hang in there, & try not to get your hopes up too much. As hard as that it.

As Sheba and I are riding around trying to rid the world of Whack-a-doodles, her whack-a-doodle H is running around spreading the germ like typhoid!!!! <P>Jeez, Cheryl, what to think....Hey, wait a minute, you KNOW what I think. I believe I even BET you that he'd call. That lots would be happening in FL. Pay up, Sis.<P>Here's my take....his motives, hmmmm, still not sure, don't trust them yet. But....I do believe that his "fantasy" with his long distance "peachy" is coming to an end. Face it, you can't keep loving someone and only see them a couple of times a year. Sorry, guys, e-mails just can't hold it all together. Soo....is he thinking, experiencing a bit of his OWN personal growth, doubting the wisdom of this divorce, keeping his options open, buttering you up for an easy divorce settlement? Hey, only time will tell.<P>You know my advice. He's being nice. You're turning into a Plan A Queen! Keep it up. Enjoy not fighting w/ each other at every turn. Whatever's going on, it will come out eventually.<P>Now, that is NOT what you wanted me to say, is it? (I know, I shouldn't keep repeating myself.). Sorry, Hon, he has me baffled. 'Course most things have me baffled these days. The only thing I'm really sure of is ME......I think!!! <P>Talk w/ you later.<P>Lori<P>

Sidney,<P>Hi there!! It seems like he does miss me, and I am trying not to get my hopes up. If he is conflicted, he isn't the only one!!<BR>Thanks for caring.<P>Lori,<P>Well, what can I say? How much do I owe you????LOL<BR>Heaven only knows wht he is doing. He has me baffled too.<BR>I am turning into the Plan A queen ( you and Sheba taught me well- ok it took awhile, but I got there!)<BR>I e-mailed you.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

OK I'm not sure if you want to hear about it from this side of things or not as me being a former OW. But he would often call. I mean his kids are there for goodness sake. And he does care about his XW. You see he still cared in one way but his W cared in another. Every time someone posts something like this the answer is always that he is conflicted or confused so keep hoping. Maybe that is the best course because if he is conflicted then you survive for the relationship to survive. But you must also face that maybe he is not conflicted but is just caring about you and your kids even though he is in love with someone else. <P>I think the only way to find out for sure is total separation. If he won't separate from the OW then you separate from him. In my case I separated from him totally for a year and half with no expectations that I would ever hear from him again. And I gave him no reason to think that I would wait for him, in fact just the opposite. I think this is what would be called a Plan B. Everyone has to decide when they are ready for a Plan B themselves I guess. But you have to be realistic about why they are calling. Consider all the reasons why it could be and not just what you wish it was. I didn't think of it as plan B, by the way because I hadn't read any of this yet. I thought of it as the complete and total end which had to be because of how wrong and evil the affair was.<P>Del

ceecee,<P>Maybe it is as Delphi says, but it may just as well be that he is missing YOU! You can not know the mind of another. My opinion - 3 calls in 3 days I think is a lot more than "concern". If I call my sister and she isn't home, I don't call her everyday in a row until I get her- I just call her again when I think about it and have the time...which may not be until days later. <P>You never know if this is significant or not...so yopu might want to keep doing what you are doing!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

delphi,<P>i appreciate hearing from yoyu. I am honestly looking for the answers, not just something to hold on to.<P>The reason that I posted this to begin with, is because, up until 4 weeks ago, he NEVER called. NEVER. Then, after I really started Plan A-ing, he calles EVERY day now. <P>Also, his relationship w/ OW is mostly an e-mail/phone relationship. They have only been together 3 times since the relationship started 1 yr ago.<P>I am very realistic in the fact that he needs to break off all communication w/ her, if he is serious about working on our marriage.<P>I do appreciate your side of this. I really do. <P>I am still confused, however, since this recent change in him to call, is not his normal pattern.<P>Thank you,<P>Cheryl

Hey Des!<P>I have leaning more to the idea that he is starting to think and that he does miss me. <P>I mean, the last time he was in Fl w/ her, he didn't call. <P>And, like I responded to Delphi, this behavior is NOT his norm. <P>I don't know. I'm just going to keep on, keeping on.<P>Thanks,<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<BR>I think the phone calls are a hopeful sign .<P>Delphi,<BR>And what is caring about someone's welfare if not real love - as opposed to the transitory state of "in love"?

Hi CeeCee -<P>Hmmmm? Whack-a-doodle 2? Or is it three? (was there another somewhere here?) LOL!!!!<P>You've gotten some good scenarios for his behavior.....could be any or all of them....<P>My advice - Buckle up and just ride the waves!!!!! Don't build any expectations!!!! Let things flow for a while....just keep Plan A'ing and taking care of you and D.....<P>Oh, I also think that electroshock therapy wouldn't hurt them....I am looking into insurance coverage on this!!! LOL!!!!!<P>Hang On and I am sorry that my Whack-A-Doodle is spreading his "sunshine" around to so many!!!!! Not my fault....Lori hasn't hit him with the flame thrower yet!!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Nellie-<P>Thanks for thinking it may be something. I honestly don't know what to think anymore.<BR>Thanks for thinking of me.<P>Sheba-<P>The Whack-a-Doodles are everywhere. I just hope I don't turn into one-LOL.<P>I will continue my Plan A. I am getting good at it, ya know. <P>I guess a lot will be determined when he comes home. I'll just have to wait and see what kind of mood he's in; if he has had a change of heart; and IF he wants anything here.<P>It all remains to be seen.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<BR>

Cheryl, You know I have decided to quite trying to figure them out. I just go with the flow. If he has contact great if not i try to not let it get me down. I am not very good at this but I am trying. I want to keep some of my sanity. I still plan A a lot. But I keep busy as much as possible. I guess what I am trying to say is you need to stop trying to figure aut what he is doing, because I figure he doesn't even know so how could you, and besides if you keep trying you may quietly or maybe loudly go nuts. So just keep plan Aing and taking care of yourself and your daughter. Lots of prayers and {{{{HUGS}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Gosh CeeCee, I'm really not sure what to make of this either. He's seemed to go from one extreme to the other. Keep plan Aing, if nothing else, it must be nice to be able to talk to each other. Keep your eyes open and watch your back. Not sure if I trust him yet. Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>Lots of love,<BR>Viki

SDS-<P>Good to hear from you. I know what you mean about going quietly or louding 'insane'!!<BR>I am keeping busy. I am focusing on myself, and most of the time, I am ok with all of this.<BR>I know I shouldn't try and figure him out, but this pattern he has started is so out of character. I can't help but think something is up.<P>Viki-<P>LOL- you and Lori must be on the same wave length. She doesn't trust him yet either. <BR>She did tell me she's starting to soften a little .<BR>Plan Aing all the way. It will only help me through this, and frankly, it isn't hurting anyone in the mean time.<P>Love you guys,<P>Cheryl

I am always the cynical one.... I don't know your location. Is it possible that he was calling to be sure you were home (& not en route to check on him)? This calling is a rather old trick used by straying spouses when they are worrying about wife checking up.<P>My H became much more considerate during his EA (while all the time making plans to move out with no warning), because he was plagued by guilt and, in his warped mind, being nice to me made up for the treachery he was involved in.<P>I truly hope that in your case it is neither. Whatever his reasons, you're doing the right thing being loving and avoiding LBs. Despite my H's temporary loss of sanity and morality, my continued deposits into the love bank payed off with interest in the long run. Whatever your H's motives/feelings are(& they may be a big mixture of confused emotions), keep up your efforts at being a good wife ready to meet his needs, and he will probably come to his senses!!!

well, whatever it means that he called you, i want to congratulate you on a successful plan A.<BR>either way, you have to coparent with him for the rest of your life...might as well make it pleasant, eh?<BR>you go girl!

Weese-<P>You are not cynical. However, this is not the case. I am in Ne and since there would be no way for me to check up on him, I don't think this is his way of thinking. <BR>thanks for your thoughts.<P>LWB-<P>Thank you for thinking my Plan A is doing good. You are so right about co-parenting w/ him for a long time, you might as well be friends.<BR>Thanks <P>Just a brief update. H left FL this morning. He called me this evening and left a message. He called again and got disgusted and hung up. Then, he called again about 45 min later and I answered the phone.<P>He told me that he was stuck in the airport and would be there for 8 hrs. He said he was on standby, but couldn't get on the first flight. The next one was 2 hrs later, so he went to the bar. He said he got to drunk, and missed the flight.<P>He was pretty angry about this. I told him that I was sorry he was stuck there, but to try and make the best of it. I told him to relax and maybe buy a book to read.<P>He said, thanks for listening. I said, you'll be home soon and we'll see you tomorrow.<P>I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am holding on to something that is just not there anymore. I am so depressed. Have been all week. Just knowing that he spent the week w/ her, and is calling me when he is in angry.<P>Maybe this is a sign of somthing, but this praying wife if exhausted. I know that I shouldn't give up, that God wants our marriage to work, but, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of second guessing everything he does.<P>Sorry, just venting. Thanks for listening.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

getting drunk in an airport...i wonder what he was thinking about/escaping? <BR>interesting that he is comfortable enough with you to call when he's angry and upset.<BR>wish i had more to say....

LWB-<P>I wish you had more to say too. <P>It appears that he is pulling toward me, but who the heck knows.<P>Escaping? Hmmmm. Could very well be. He always drink when he is conflicted. So, you can only imagine how hard he's been hitting the bottle.<P>Thanks, sweetie!<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<P>I know what you mean about being out of character. At least out of character for the person they are now. For four months H didn't contact anybody, now he talks to his parent about once a week. Has talked to D three times and mail gifts to the babies. Who knows where their minds are now. I know it makes me nuts trying to figure out if this is a step forward or what. BUt I am doing better with going with the flow. I guess I had years of practice in teaching. I take one day at a time enjoy what contact that has happened and try not to put to much hope in anything he does. I do think both of our h's are not happy and very depressed, and very confused people. But they have to make a decision to want to get better and take the right steps twoward recovery we can do nothing but be there for them (if that is what we want) and stay supportive and quiet in the wings. All we can do is take care of ourselves. We have to do what is right for us and hope and pray that they finally are able to take the steps to take care of themselves and get help and realize what is the right thing to do. Prayers and {{{HUGS}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>