My husband and I have been together for many years and in those years we have been through so many obsticles. I've alway felt like he doesn't show me enough affection and his excuse is that he has alway been like that (it's not me) I recently found out that he has been having an affair (For 3years) I'm devestated! He says the affair is over, but i think it's only because i found out about it. Because i love him and we have a child together i decide to stay and try to make our marriage last. It's has been a battle and the worst yet is that he acts like nothing has happened. When i try to discuss my feelings about the affair or try to find out why he did this it turns into love busters war.I feel like i am the only one trying to save this marriage. I am working on Plan A, but there's days when he really gets to me and i feel like giving up. i sometimes feel like he is staying because of our child, but he denies that. I found the ow's phone number and decided to call BIG MISTAKE (it was like pouring salt on a wound) I found out little stuff that really hurt.Counseling in not an option at this time because of our finacial situation.I have been reading alot of postings and i know that i'm not the only one, but i feel so hurt and alone.How do I even start believing in him again? How do I know the affair is really over? I'm left with all these feelings and that i don't know how to deal with HELP <BR>

INWMH - If you live near Chicago or any bigger town you can call the college or University and ask them about their counseling center. Most colleges have a center for students and one for the community where the grad students work, it is supervised by the professors and sometimes video taped, but always kept confidential. Also many church counseling centers are based on a sliding fee scale. <BR> You are not alone and feel free to post whenever you need to. One thing to consider, your H could have left. He is with you right now because he wants to be. You do need to try to get to counseling it would really help. Have you read any books yet? Monique

Keep posting and letting all those feelings out, Hon. We were all there once.<P>Time. Time will prove and time will heal. But right now, you're raw and I do know how much it hurts.<P>Good for you that he's there and good for you that you found Plan A and US!!! We're here for you.<P>Take a bit to breath. Take care of yourself. There's lots you can do as you go along, but you've got to get past the worst of it first, so we'll be here to help you do that, ok?<P>Hang in there, it's a tough ride, but you're gonna be ok, I promise. We're all here for you.<P>Lori

So is there any advise to find out if he really stoped seeing her. I was going to call her and ask if he has called, but she could easily lie to me. He hasn't been showing any signs, but then again he has been with her for 3 years and i had no idea. I am feeling really insecure and i want to talk about it but i know it will end up with love buster war. All i want to know is what is she doing that i don't do, so that i could start doing. Or could it be that it's not me it that he is just an ahole!!!! and thinks it funny to make me suffer like this. His father did the same to his mom but it was worse for his mom because he had a child with this woman. I told my H if he would ever have a child younger than our child, that is something i could not forgive and he says that it will never happen. I pray it doesn't. He says that he doesn't love her, but he has to have some kind of feelings for her. This really stinks!

ILWMH- <BR> Don't talk to OW about this, do not let her know that she can make you feel this way. That may just feed her even more. If your H comes from a family with a bad history then he must have some deep issues with this. I know that my H's mother had an affair on his dad, his grandfather had an affair on his wife and all of their children have had affairs. Something in the water hmmm. You really need to try to get into see a counselor. Right now your H may not realize how he has hurt you. No I don't think she has anything on you or that he is doing it to hurt you or for some laughs. He may not even realize why or how he could do that. My H said that he just kind of got caught up in it and while he never really loved her, he was in a bad situation and didn't want to hurt anyone. He didn't know how to end it. I also know that he did enjoy it and he regrets hurting me, maybe not the affair. Make sense. Monique