I've posted on other boards, but I think I need the expertise only to be found on this one to determine whether I'm being unfoundedly suspiciou (I tend to be jealous by nature) or whether I really have reason to worry. My SO of many years (we haven't married because he's raising his kids and has very different views on child-rearing than I) recently became supervisor to a married woman his age. "Due the nature of the work" (this is what I keep hearing), they're basically together all day; even travel and - although they haven't yet - will have to stay in hotels overnight on business (alone). Given my innate insecurity, this is hard enough for me to deal with; however, to make matters worse, they seem to have really hit it off personally. From what he tells me when he comes home, much of their conversation is of a joking and personal nature. On top of that, she actually snubbed me on a couple of occasions, gave him gifts that were, in my opinion, too expensive and too personal for Christmas (and he, her), and also seems determined to spend her free time with him; she began by arranging several office get-togethers, has managed to get together with him (saved him seats and flagged him down) at school functions where both their kids attend, and now wants us to "double-date." I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he has to work so closely, travel, and stay overnight alone with this woman; I think it's totally unnecessary, inappropriate, unhealthy, and downright dangerous for them to get any chummier than they already are. I feel he, as her supervisor, should be drawing lines he's not drawing (this is his first experience as a boss, and he prides himself on being "a friend" and "accessible"). He's offended by my "paranoia" and actually seems upset (which also worries me) when I refuse to socialize with this woman. Even if I being unreasonable, I think the fact that it bothers me so much should be reason enough to limit contact with her to the business realm. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the time we spend together is limited; I now feel that this woman has taken my place as his "best friend" and primary adult relationship, since he spends much more time talking with her than with me (and seems to enjoy it). I don't want to cause problems where there aren't any (we argue about this constantly) and I know how hurtful false accusations can be (although it's her I don't trust and try to make this clear), but I see trouble coming, and he doesn't (or claims not to). Am I overreacting; should I trust and let it go until there's factual reason NOT to??

Yuckky place to be my friend. Trust and see where it goes? I say no to that one! This may be a very biased opinion since I have been betrayed.<BR>Somehow you might try to make more time for your so. Go to the school functions with him, drop by work for lunch with him. I think I would make sure that she knows you are an important part of his life, and make it obvious to her that he values you. <BR>As far as traveling together....I have a HUGE bias there! Almost all the affairs my h had were while traveling. How often do they travel together? Is it necessary or could he take another employee? Can you go sometimes? He may be very insecure in the supervisor role and is looking for guidance from this woman. I think I woulf offer that guidance instead. Not overtly of course, but be there for him to share his fears with you. <BR>Kind of a scary time in your relationship and would not just let it go. You can give him the trust, no accuse him, and go to a real tough plan a. I am all for prevention!!

There are many of us here because our spouse (SO) had an affair with someone at work. Your guy is playing with fire. CL is giving you good advice--if you can, spend more time with him, and certainly not with her if you can help it, but if he's going out with her "for business" try to arrange your schedule so you can be there as well.<P>Co-worker affairs are very difficult to end, because "no contact" is not possible. Harley even advises a job or location change.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Thanks for the responses; I feel I'm justified in being worried about this. The problem is that I approach it by warning my SO, who - without substantial evidence (yet) that I'm right about the danger - just gets defensive and hurt that I'm "accusing" him. Also, it's very hard for me to "turn up the voltage" on our love life, make him feel cherished, etc., when I'm feeling fearful and resentful that he won't establish appropriate boundaries, so I fear I'm being my own worst enemy in the way I'm handling this. Glad for the confirmation of my "feeling" about this, though.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It happened to me. My husband became very chummy with a woman he worked with. She is 11 years older than me and 9 years older than him. He talked about her a lot and I didn't like the nature of their conversations. She was married and a grandmother and 41 years old was what my husband would say to me. He said he wouldn't have an affair with someone that old. Well, he did and I saw it coming! I tried to tell him it was inappropriate but he swore up and down that nothing was going to happen. I feel so much for you right now. I guess I tried to tell my husband but somehow, it didn't work. Now, we are struggling with an affair that he doesn't want to end. Of course he still wants to live with me and have her too. Well, I don't operate that way! <P>I just do hope that he sees what he is doing to you. I am sorry I have no good advice other than to be good to him and make sure he knows how much you love him! This is a very painful subject for me right now and I am probably not the best person to answer this post! Sorry! <P>Good luck to you!<P>~Woozy

Your right, this is a dangerous situation. I'm in a similar position. <P>I don't think men see a problem because they don't have any ulterior motives in the beginning of this type of relationship. They view it as being a friend. He doesn't understand that he's letting the OW deposit "Love Units" in his "love bank". <P>This is what has happened in my marriage. <P>My husband let another woman deposit so many love units that she became more important in his life than our marriage. <P>He's very deep into an emotional affair with her and he doesn't understand why it hurts me. The OW knows what's going on, and she basks in the glow of his attention. I think it would become a full blown affair if they had the opportunity to spend time alone together. <P>When their "friendship" first started she lavished attention on my H. H was flattered and encouraged this "friendship" b/c it made him feel good. It upset me that he allowed her to be so familar and it made me feel like a unwanted extra. I distanced myself from the situation to protect my feelings. <P>Looking back, I should have stayed right in the middle of it. I could have deposited more "Love Units" and possibly prevented some of the "Love Units" she was depositing. When I refused to socialize with this woman, it gave her exclusive time to deposit tons of "Love Units".<P>To make it worse, I deducted "Love Units" rapidly! I tried to tell him that she was undermining our marriage. It made him mad and he defended her. We started argueing on a daily basis. ZAP - it didn't take long for both of our "Love Banks" to start emptying. I was removing "Love Units" as fast as she was depositing them. (I didn't know about Love Units at that time)<P>Now she has a large deposit in his "Love Bank" and I'm probably overdrawn! It's very hard to learn this lesson and reverse the process. <P>I would advise you to be very careful not to deduct "Love Units" and any time you have an opportunity to prevent her from depositing "Love Units", be there and get your deposit in before she does.<P>Please don't say things to him to try to make him "see" what she's doing. That will only make him defend her, and you don't want to set up a situation that makes him feel protective of her.<P>I'm new to the board and there are many others here with much more experience that can probably give much better advice. <P>This is only my oppinion of how I wish I'd have handled my situation.

Thanks again for all the helpful responses; I know this situation is very common these days. But please clarify; I SHOULD socialize with her?? I suspect, from the way it's gone, that this would become a regular thing. Another post said, I think, NOT to aid and abet by spending time with them as a couple (wouldn't this just give her more opportunities to "shine" before him with the sanction of the SOs being present??); advice!! Agreed on the other stuff; trying to "prove my case" only worsens the situation... He can't see it and rushes to her defense, which is self-defeating. Thanks again; keep 'em coming!!

All of you who've been there, PLEASE ADVISE, as an invitation has (sure enough) been issued for this weekend; I can tell he wants to go. Help! How to handle???

quandry,<P>An inivitation for what?<BR>Who is invited?<P>Some more detail please?<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 14, 2000).]

Drinks at a pub; she, her (second) husband, my SO, and me. They go every weekend, and it's not a habit I care to get into, frankly (not the drinking to which I object, but the socializing with HER)...

Personally,<P>If your SO can't break away from here there is a very roguh road ahead...<P>But...<BR>To meet his needs{companionship in this case}... (and that is also part of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>)... you've got to play somewhat by his rules...<P>Don't fight with OW...<BR>Instead... show your SO by your actions how much you love him... in the presence of everyone or no one. Treat her with courtesy... but she <B>is not</B> your friend... and she doesn't have to think that.<P>Jim

I say you should go and have a good time. Without being rude, stake out your territory. Play it by ear but maybe you could even throw them a little curve: flirt with her husband a little and maybe ask about getting together with him when your SO and her are out of town. Give them something to think about. I'm not suggesting you start an affair, just don't be a doormat. As others have stated, be sure to be involved as much in his life as possible, especially if she is around. <P>On a totally different track I suggest you seriously consider your own commitment or need for this relationship as well as his. I am a firm believer in marriage. You say you aren't married because you don't agree on child rearing and who knows what else. Then I might ask, why are you living with this person if you don't intend to get married? Dr. Harley has some information about living together before marriage on this web site and equates it with renting versus buying. Take a look at this URL: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html</A> <P>Whatever you do, have fun this weekend. Good luck.

Socializing with her is better than letting your H go alone. Make sure you look your best and be sweeter than all get-out to her. Be especially attentive to your H, laugh at all his jokes and stories--no matter how many times you've heard them.<P>Now, lemme put on my devil horns here. . .<P>Maybe a couple of sweet smiles at HER H might shake things up!

Wow; you guys are great; thanks for rallying, but I hate your advice (kidding); I should have added that I wear my heart on my sleeve and am not known for my tact or diplomacy, so "acting" light and breezy won't be easy; if I'm disgusted or mad, it'll show. Still, I believe you're right about being "a presence"; what is there to lose at this point? Thanks again.

Quandry, you need to decide how committed you are to this relationship.<P>"My way or the highway" usually guarantees the highway.<P>I sense a certain rigidity in your viewpoint which may be contributing to why your H is so close with this OW.<P>When our spouses get involved in this kind of inappropriate friendship, we have to ask ourselves why. In my case, my H is a high-maintenance guy with a high need for nurturance. When he wasn't getting it from me, and someone else was there to give it to him, that's where he got it.<P>I wear my heart on my sleeve too, and it galls me to have to be "nice" to my H's friend (they are still in contact). I despise her with every fiber of my being. But if I'm nasty to her, and she's nice to him, who looks good?<P>You do the math.<P>Your H has invited you to go with them. That's a GOOD thing. My H went drinking with OW and his other friends and to their parties without me for MONTHS before I went into plan A and he started inviting me along.<P>If you don't go, it's a major lovebuster -- and a major mistake. You can say "I wear my heart on my sleeve" and this is how it is, or you can fight for your relationship -- and learn a little something about commitment in the process.<P>You decide.<P>"Being right is the booby prize." -- Susan Page

Makes good sense, though it will be hard. Thanks again, everyone; you're wonderful!

do something special for yourself before you go, too, just to put you in a good mood. manicre? new dress? facial? whatever makes you feel good and pretty...and gives you confidence.<BR>find the book "divorcebusting" by michele weiner-davis, it'll give you the impetus to try something different to save your relationship, since your usual responses aren't working.<BR>hang in there!