my wife loves coming here and has been reading me posts. so i want to ask a question, it seems that no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to build up a balance in her love bank. just a "trigger" and my balance is wiped clean. she says i am doing "everything right", but it still doesn't seem to work. yet if a stranger compliments her or something, it makes her feel good. i can't make her feel good for very long. what can i do to make it last? i recognize that as the healing comes, it will happen, but what can i do TODAY?

Betrayed myself...but ohh ohh ohh...I got the answer.<P>You are making deposits, even if they seemed to be wiped out momentarily, they really aren't.<P>Continued efforts will pay off big time.<P>The pain is just so horrific right now, but it does get better. Right now it is like crashing waves and when the wave crashes, its a meldown over and over. But they get smaller and smaller and further and further apart. Although sometimes a tidal wave hits sporatically, too. Fun, huh? <P>Whatever you do makes a difference. Really, even if it doesn't show. Right now she is like a sponge and will soak up any love and will still be thirsty for more and more and more. Thanks for coming here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Mr. Neen<P>I am speaking as the Betrayed here.. I can tell you that it took a very long time for me to FEEL my H love deposits. Early on in discovery I asked my husband to write down the promises he was making and the time frames that it would take him ( general time frames) to accomplish his changes. We both had input as to what went into that document and it memorialized both his promises and his comittments, it also gave is goals to work towards and a reference to see if we were remaining on track.<P>In all it took the better part of a year for the changes and promises to firmly rooted, but thankfully he met all of them and some extras. I recently read the document ( just this past sunday) and I was truly amazed at how much was promised and how those promises determined the course of our recovery. <P>Remember Mr. Neen Wounds of the heart and soul unlike those of the flesh take far longer to heal, and the scars may not been seen but they will always be felt. <P>It is hard to feel love deposits when your world had been destroyed. the loss of trust makes our mind and heart numb to all things .. except pain... Anger, Denial and Grief must all come to pass before any love and trust can ever be rebuilt..<P>So stay on a steady track of depositing love in her bank... She may not acknowledge the steady deposits however you can be sure SHE will acknowledge if they stop , and she will acknowledge when you make withdrawals...<P>You shouldn't expect to be rewarded or praised for soing the right thing.. Stay on track and be the VERY best man and husband you can be... when the cloud of pain starts to lift she will look back and see all that you have given and attempted to give, and you will reap the benefits.<P>Best of Luck.... it is a long and painful journey..

Mr. Neen:<P>What you need to do is demonstrate a consistant track record of new behavior designed to meet your wife's needs. You should also ask WHAT she needs from you---this is likely to change as you go through the process. And FHL is right on the mark---although you can't see them, you are building up this lovebank...<P>And if neen is reading, she should realize that praising you for the right behaviors is EXACTLY the thing to do. She needs to be giving you positive reinforcement as well as the negative---this will facilitate the healing and bring you two together much more quickly than if you take the approach that it's YOUR turn to do all the work.<P>Encourage one another. Encourage's each other's love. This does work.

thanks for the encouragement, i will never give up-she's worth it, however long it takes.<BR>

wow mr. neen, I love your last post! <P>Okay, my only bit of advice is this: when you give her love deposits, don't take them back. <P>Let me give you an example: this morning my H deposited big time by taking our dog to the vet for me. I even wrote about how happy it made me. <P>Tonight he called our daughter and said how he resented it.<P>See what I mean?<P>Consistency is the name of the game. You sound like you ARE doing everything right. Keep on keepin' on!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow