Hello,<P>Since trust is suck a huge issue I need some help believeing. Mnay betryaers say over and over agian that they will not cheat again. My H is famous for saying "I chose you and I will not go back". But he had said that before and like many others haven mentioned in teh last day or so they do cheat again. Some do anyway..so how do you know if your spouce is finally honest??? Without that one leap of faith how can i even begin to heal from my H's affair? <P>So betrayers how do we believe you? All of us want to but its so hard to see that you are finnaly honest and commited.<P>Any help is welcome. I'm ahvign so much trouble rationalizing why My H did they....why I was not good enough and that 20 year old was.<P>confusedwife

CW, if I knew that I would be with my H right now, there’s nothing we can do to make you believe us if you don’t. Except stay true to what we say and then you will see (you and we all in general here) I don’t know any thing else to say, but I pray everything works out for you and H.<BR>Lesa<BR><P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <P><BR>

Straddling ye ol fence here. Been on both sides, most recently the betrayed.<P>When I transgressed several years ago it was hard for my wife to trust me, and I guess to some extent it still is. (According to Harley that's good) I know that all I could do then and all I can do now is be honest. If my W asks me where I've been and who I was on the phone with or where I'm going, all I can do is be honest. I would even welcome her investigation.<P>Flip side, I don't trust my W. Like I said, recently betrayed. She knows I don't and at the present understands. Time is the only thing that will restore the trust. But until that trust is restored if I want my marriage to work, I've got to give her the benefit of the doubt. I still look occasionally for signs and clues, I believe this is natural. Hopefully after time and constant vigilence I will trust again.<P>It has to come from both sides. There is no 1,2,3 easy steps to restoring trust. It's a long process. Patience is a virtue.<P>Think of meeting a stranger. You certainly would not hand him your purse and tell him to watch it while you run into a store. Or leave a child with someone you just met. But over time, after seeing this person repeatedly and that person not letting you down you begin to do these things. You ask them to hold something or watch something, because you believe in them.<P>When your H betrayed you he became a stranger, He was no longer the man you knew, the man you fell in love with. So now you are "starting over". Learning (hopefully) to trust again. I've learned that it helps me tremendously to not constantly look for ways my W might let me down, but instead look for the ways she is not. After all, she's home isn't she? I'm thankful for that.<P>Good luck and God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited January 13, 2000).]

As a "former" betrayer, I can say that there is nothing your H can do to *make* you trust him. If he were here, I'd advise him to be completely honest in all of his activities and make sure he keeps his promises, down to even the smallest thing. He can do his best to be trust*worthy*, but he can't control your reactions to his behavior. He might do all these wonderful things, and you could still decide that you can't trust him. In that case, it would cease to be HIS issue anymore. So you need to do some work on your own issues of trust and forgiveness as well. As sad as it sounds, he can't take away all of your pain. All he can do is be trustworthy and hope you will see his efforts. <P>Paul explained things pretty well too. This new H is like a stranger, in that you will have to go back to square one with trust. If you found someone new, it would be no different. Would you be absolutely positive they hadn't cheated in their past? If they hadn't, then could you be absolutely sure they wouldn't do it in the future? I don't think you could. Scary, but true. <P>Faith, hope, love had a really good subject that talked about this. Something like "If I wrote a book on surviving an affair..."