Hey all,<P>Life continues to plod along and I needed to just vent to someone. A quick recap for those of you who don't know me: Wife of seven years announced last October that she never loved me and that she was in love with a neighbor. She asked me to move out of the house and wanted to file for divorce. We have three little boys (1, 2, 5). OM supposedly was leaving his wife but by Christmas it became apparent he was not and the relationship ended temporarily. When affair ended, my wife said she wanted to "work on the marriage". <P>We have remained separated since last Nov (her choice). I see her and the kids almost every day and stay at the house a couple nights per week. We are "intimate" but not very often. She has said "I love you" two times in ten months, both times in passing. She says she still loves OM and is not "in love" with me but loves me.<P>She has refused to break off "friendship" with OM. She sees or talks to him four or five days a week. I am pretty confident they aren't sleeping together because my wife would want him to leave his wife before she even considered this again. My wife has agreed to cut off all contact with OM by Christmas (which is a bogus deadline but I consented knowing it will eliminate any excuse she had that I pushed her). She thinks we should move next year sometime, if we are still married. The OM is lying to his wife about his affair with my wife (said it was just emotional, says he doesn't talk to her except on rare occassions...). I recently confronted OM and told him to put up or punt. Either leave his wife or leave my wife alone. He agreed I was right but he is such a coward, I doubt he will do anything unless my wife initiates.<P>I have been in plan A since the start. I pretty much love her with very little love busting. We have become great friends. She says I'm a great husband and father. Her friends and family all think she is nuts to end our marriage. If I had to guess today what she is planning on doing, I would say she is as likely to leave as stay.<P>I have seen three counselors over the past 9 months. Two of them feel that there is almost no hope for us until I file for divorce. They think she is an immature teenager who is selfish and is a person who has no idea what love really is about. The third counselor somewhat agrees but has supported my decision to stay until the end of the year. All three have told me not to feel ANY guilt about the destruction of my marriage and that I should feel completely free to divorce should I want to (these are all Christians who don't believe in divorce).<P>I know the counselors are right and there is no hope for us having a real marriage unless she has a soveriegn experience with God. She needs to really repent for what she did (not just feel bad) and turn from her actions (which include totally cutting off OM). I know God can reach her but I don't know that she wants to be reached. All she wants from God is for Him to give her the feelings of "love" for me and take away her feelings for OM. I think her prayers are nuts. God can't answer those prayers as far as I can tell because they are so selfish.<P>Anyhow, I'm just trying to stay in the game until the end of the year. I'm guessing that nothing will change by then and I'll have to file for divorce. The whole situation consumes me every day. I barely can do my job. I have few friends. I just want it to end! At the same time, the thought of being a sinlge dad (even part time) of my three little boys is intimidating at best. They require so much and I think if a divorce happens, I will have so little left to give.<P>I know there probably isn't anything anyone here can say but it helps to vent. I love my wife with all my heart and all this would be worth it if we had a real marriage on the other side. She is such a miserable person right now but she can't see that she created her own misery. I wish I could reach out and help her on the path to recovery but I know this is one thing she will have to get to on her own. Only God can bring her heart back home.<P>Thanks for listening,<BR>Struggling

Wow, what an incredibly strong person you are. You hear alot about "real men", well all I have to say is you are one. This must be very difficult for you. I don't think any of us would mind waiting if we thought there would be a light in the end. I feel for you pain and am amazed at your strength in hanging in till Christmas. Do you think you will be ready to file after Dec? It is very obvious you love her, I wish she knew how much.

Struggling,<BR>You really are a stong man of integrity. It sounds like you do not want a divorce and I applaud that decision. If December comes and goes, before you file for divorce, read the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley and go into Plan B. Right now your wife thinks she is getting all of her needs met by the om but is she does not have any of your support, communication, and money she will realize what she gets from you. Hang in there and do Plan A to the best of your ability. Set some boundaries for yourself so that she cannot take advantage of you to get to the om. She is getting something from both of you or she would not still allow you to such an active part in her life.

Thanks for the comments. <P>Derby,<P>I have read Surviving the Affair and just about every other book on affairs out there. Literally, I have at least 20 books on affairs that I have read. I'm willing to do just about anything to save this marriage but as we all know, you can't do it alone.<P>I have tried empathy, hours of backrubs, giving her multiple free days without the kids each month, vacations, expensive gifts, space, touch, no touch, frequent sex, no sex, compliments, spending time doing fun stuff as a family, gardening with her... get the picture? Nothing seems to upset the apple cart. We just plod along, she continues her "friendship", continues to tell me about his life and his problems (as if I care), and continues to treat me as a good friend and brother but not as a husband. <P>I know I'm doing the right thing here but it is draining me of every resource I have. It is ONLY my faith in the Lord that gets me out of bed each day.<P>Thanks for being my friends,<BR>Struggling<BR>

What became of the possible plan to buy a new house in december? and move away from that stay-at-home creep?

Just a hug to say "hang on and hope for the best". I so often wonder how we can gain back trust after the awful things that have happened-in your case I sure hope you can get over it all. I admire you for staying with what you want-and for loving her no matter what. You must be one heck of a guy. I am going to be thinking about you and hoping for the best for you!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Good Luck!

Love WAS Blind,<P>Thanks for remembering the details of some of my previous posts. It means a lot to know that some people out there have taken enough interest in me to remember. :-) <P>We have begun looking for housing but we are in a red hot housing market right now and it looks like it will take us at least 6 months to have something new built and there are very few resales right now. All this is also clouded by my wife's indecision about our future. If we divorce, she wants to move into a much smaller house. If we stay together, she wants to move into something smaller than what we have now but bigger than if she is a single mother.<P>I am at a loss as to what to do about the housing thing. I have pretty much put the ball in her court right now because it all depends on her plans. I'm sick and tired of having to carry the weight of both my future and hers. I figure the end of the year will be here soon enough and then I'll be holding the cards. We'll have tried it her way for one year and if she wants to keep trying after December, it will be on my terms (no contact with OM, sell house and move ASAP, letter to OM telling him to not talk to her anymore, I move back home,...).<P>By the way, she went on Zoloff today so I'm hoping that might help clear her head a little. Of course, nothing seems to really change things so I don't get my hopes up.<P>Thanks for the HUG Heartache, I can't tell you the last time I got an affectionate hug!<P>Thanks for caring,<BR>Struggling<BR>