I've been reading here for a few weeks. It has helped me understand my marriage better.<P>I have the book "His needs, Her needs". I've read to chapter 6, but already I'm finding myself thinking "this won't work" and "I don't want to bother doing this". <P>I guess I better back up and tell you my problem. I don't know if I'm even in the right message forum. <P>I don't know if my H is having a physical affair, a string of "one night stands" or if he has cheated at all. (I think he has, and I think he has brought home a STD, have to get checked for that).<P>My husband is having an emotional affair. He sees nothing wrong with it and does not hide it. He doesn't identify it as an emotional affair. He's straight forward about telling me the OW is his best friend. He goes to her with his problems, shares his future "dreams" for OUR marriage with her, etc. I know there is no sex with her, he sees her in her home with her husband and family present.<P>He doesn't talk with me about our problems, he talks to her about them. When him and her have talked it out and come to a conclusion, then he feels the problem is solved. It is for him, but for me it's a worse problem than before (the original problem, plus my feeling betrayed by him going to her instead of me).<P>When I try to talk to him to work thru a problem, he tells me "that was took care of already" and "why are you bringing that up again". He took care of it with her, not with me. It's still our problem, but he don't think it's still a problem.<P>This is very frustrating to me. We have withdrawn from each other so much that we live separate lives now. I don't know how we've stayed married thru the years. We both want the marriage, but we have different ideas of what we want out of the marriage. <P>He's happy to keep things the way they are (other than sex, which is almost non existant now). I want sex too, but it's becoming repulsive. I know this won't make since, but I feel like the OW gets all the foreplay and I get 2 minutes of physical action. <P>I want a happy marriage where we talk to each other and do things together. I'm tired of him giving all his free time to OW and coming home only to sleep. <P>I want to supply his needs and repair our marriage, but I need a "jump start" to do it. Does that make since? I want to do it, but I don't want to at the same time. <P>I need someone to give me a push to get started here, and possibly to continue pushing me to follow thru on this.<P>I have made a beginning. I printed out all the pages from Harleys site, put them together in book form and gave it to H to read. I don't know if he's reading it or not. I haven't said anything to him about it. I keep waiting to see if he fills out the emotional needs questionaire and gives it to me. (gave it to him New Years Day) Should I continue to wait? Should I fill out my copy and give it to him? <P>Here's a small personality profile: <P>H is "upper management". He tells people what to do all week, when he comes home he uses his management technics. He never asks for anything, he gives orders and expects them to be obeyed. If things aren't done to his expectations, he degrades the work and worker for falling short of the goal.<P>W is a wife. I've never had a job outside the home. My life has been dedicated to supporting H and raising children. Children are raised, last one is 18 and ready to leave home. I'm entering the "empty nest" stage of life. <P>I want to put our marriage back on the right track. I've spent my life depending on other people (father, then H), and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this alone. I'm not totally sure that I want to do it. If I had the finances, I would leave him and start a new life. Am I crazy? How can I want to repair my marriage and leave it at the same time? <BR>

Welcome <B>Keosha</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You've done a lot research already... and that's great... and you've even gotten on of his books... excellent.<P>You're not new to the ideas being presented here, but for future reference there is the MB <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank> Basic Concepts</A> site.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You say you can't do it... but you only real hope is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! You'll get a lot of support for it here!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... of look them up in your book... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B> This is a great companion to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>.<BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>. For you H... (as a betrayer... a very good recommendation would be <LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman!<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Some specifics for you...<P>Testing for STD is <B>very</B> important!<P>Starting on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is equally as important! Especially with the tenacity of the OW! You have to go all out meeting H's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Educating H will not be in your best interest now... if anything... I would recommend that you (if you can get H involved in this great) have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! Steve will start you off right!<P><B>No... you're not crazy!</B>... but don't work on this on your own... we're here. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Jim,<P>Thank you for this advice...<P>"Educating H will not be in your best interest now..." <P>but... it's to late... <P>"I printed out all the pages from Harleys site, put them together in book form and gave it to H to read."<P>I have already given him, Basic Concepts, Love Busters, Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Giver and Taker, The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA), everything I found on the site (except the forum).<P>I missed plan A & B. I didn't see them or I would have printed them too. Maybe it's best that I didn't find them before.<P>H won't agree to counseling sessions. I've<BR>talked to him about counseling,he says he can handle his own life and won't have anyone tell him how he should live it. He's very determined on this point. He's very much the "macho man" type. He claims that I'm the one with a problem and for me to let him know when I get straightened out.<P>I know I'll have to go it alone for awhile.(with support from the forum). I hope he'll at least see the need to read "his needs, her needs" to help us learn how to meet each others needs. <P>I think I may take the approach that I need his help to get myself straightened out. He might be receptive to the information if he thinks it's a tool he can use to "straighten me out" I know that would be being deceptive, but it's the only way I know to get the information into his head.<P>Also, getting the books is a problem for me. He controls every dollar we own. I went to the public library and borrowed "his needs her needs". They don't have any other of Harleys books.<P> if educating H is not good at this point, and counseling is not an option, what should I do?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited January 13, 2000).]

My H had an "emotional affair" too. Anyway, I saw a therapist who advocated the following idea: <P>While you are both responsible for the relationship - he is fully responsible for the affiar. The affair is a form of disrespect towards you and you need to ask him in a loving way to give that respect back if you are to both work on your relationship. <P>How do you do this? My therapist recommended I write a letter that said the following. I love you but I can not continue on with our relationship given your relationship with OW. While there is nothing more that I would like than to be your wife, I can not go on being your wife while she is your confidant. I know this means you may decide to choose her. If that is the case I will understand and will be happy for what we have shared and move on. But if you decide to work on the marriage, then I need you to end your relationship with OW.<P>Of course my first thought on this was "What if he decides to leave. My theripst replied " He is already gone!" Bingo! She was right!.<P>Let me also tell you that I was truly OK with him leaving if the only way for us to be together was to have her in our life too!<P>It worked for me. He came to see and to admit that his relationship with her was wrong. He has stopped seeing her and we are in counceiling. It is not perfect but for the first time he is working on our relationship too!!!!!<P>Acacia <P>