Wassi-<P>Come on now, when I started posting on this board it was the end of March. I remember you were stressed and tired, but you still took time to help me. You made me feel that someone somewnere cared. And you did.<P>You were what I needed and you were there for me, so you reap what you sow. And from what I have seen you have sown some pretty wonderful things. You have helped and uplifted most of us. It is your turn to let us lift you and carry you for a while. We will gladly listen and hug and cry with you and offer advise if needed.<P>Stay here with us. We care a great deal.<BR>God bless you and give you strength.

You better forget that crap and get on my post and help me!!!! I need you guys!! so,Shoni, CL, FHL, Deb, Etc. come along now and help old Mrs. Whack-A-Doodle!!! you especially Fighter!!! <P>He called again and I think that I am definitely shipping myself somewhere!!!<P>If not to Deb's than maybe to your house so help me before I show up at your door!!<P>Actually, on second thought, I like Fighter's Bahamas idea. Meet me on Paradise Island - you'll have to claim me in the cargo hold though because I only have enough money for shipment not a ticket!!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>Didn't mean to lessen the feelings by the use of the "C" word - I just need you guys and other things are less important when we're helping each other!!!!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited August 27, 1999).]

W,<BR>I don't think you'd look good in Black, do they have any thing in teal?<BR>((((((((((( hugs)))))))))))<BR>Just got back from a two day funeral, yes, another one. <BR>Look at things like I do, "THIS TOO WILL PASS !"<BR>A <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited August 27, 1999).]

Dreamer<BR>This stuff I have to figure out on my own for now. I know you are there. Thank you for the kind words. You take care of yourself.<P>Almost Happy<BR>I've been thinking of you. Are you okay? <BR>( They do the gray thing a lot - I 'm not sure about teal).<BR>

Okay guys! I need some advice!<BR>thsi is totally unrelated to what is going on around my place. It's just a new thing I have to deal with and I need help. <BR>My H's brother and his wife split up. BIL called a couple of weeks ago and I was the only one home so he talked to me. He told me way more than I wanted to know. His wife has been very unfaithfull. BIL doesn't know about our situation (I don't think).<BR>Well he just called again. It's really tough for me to do this. He likes the way I listen. I am just having such a hard time keeping my mouth shut about my situation. It isn't my place to tell him. I am really uncomfortable with this. <BR>What do I do? <BR>I don't know if he's heard something or can guess something.<BR>My H has talked to him but I don't know if BIL told him as much as he told me.<BR>Help. I'm trying to stay neutral here but BIL needs to talk and I can't do a good job ofhelping him when I have to watch everything I say.<BR>I don't need this on top of everything else.<BR>Advice Please!!!

Wassi-<P>At the risk of sounding trite, send him here.BIL can chat to his hearts content, get loads of advice and not put extra pressure on you. You are right you don't need it now. <P>An alternative is to ask H how much BIL knows about your situation. Tell him that you need to know because he is talking to you and you feel uncomfortable not knowing what you can't say. Be straight with him.<P>I understand about working some things out on your own. Just stay in touch and know that we all love you and are praying for you. We are waiting to lend you a shoulder any time you need it.<P>Nothing like having friends waiting for you. And you are rich in that department. God bless you with wisdom and patience.

dreamer<BR>I tried talking to H just now. Hewants to walk around with his head in a cloud. Apparently BIL is telling me much more than he is telling H. <BR>I told H that I was very uncomfortable and would feel better if BIL knew what had happened here. H changed the subject.<BR>I feel really stupid because if BIL finds out after some of the things he is saying to me - he will be embarrased.<BR>I hate secrets. I hate not being honest. I don't care who it's with.

Hi WS<P>I don't think we have met but I wanted to tell you qhat I TRY to do when I am at the end of my rope (now now, it relaly isn't all the time). I try to tell myself that things could be worse. And then I examine the ways that could be-and I realize it isn't as bad as I originally thought. I read all these posts though-and the situation with the BIL is a rough one. But I think the advise to send him here was a great one. If you don't think he would catch on to your nick. Hugs for now-and don't run away-i might need some words of wisdom from you <P>A friend you don't know .........yet<P>heartache

WS<BR> I hate secrets too. They complicate things. <P>Actually until H had his little "friend" I didn't mind secrets so much, but once you find out how distructive they can be you find yourself avoiding them.<P>Can you direct BIL here?<P>Sorry H is being so Cavedwellerish(new word). It makes it very hard to get through. I have that problem here, but that is for anothere time. You have enough on your plate for now.<P>Praying hard for your strength and wisdom.

heartache<BR>Thank you for the support. I'm not running away quite yet. I just don't have much wisdom right now. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut.<P>dreamer<BR>I know you understand the thing with H being uncooperative.<P>I don't think BIL would come here. He is the one who decided to end the marriage. It is much more than the infidelity.<BR>I want to be there for him but the situation is so uncomfortable if I can't be open about mine. I am almost to the point where I feel like blurting it out. This is H's little secret not mine. But it is his brother. So why do I have to be uncomfortable?<BR>AGHHHH!

Hi WS! It's your secret, too, and I think you can tell anyone you want. Of course, consider the consequences and whether you really want to. But it's not your job to keep secrets for your H. <P>If you don't want to get too complicated, let BIL know that infidelity has been an issue in your marriage (without details) and for this reason you don't feel like you can be a support for him right now. At least he'll know your reluctance isn't because you just don't care. <P>I've been away for awhile, so I don't know what's going on with you, but it sounds like you are in a funk. <P>I feel like a great weight has lifted from me. I've decided that I've done all I can. If my H is willing to commit to the marriage I will work on it TOGETHER. Until/unless that happens, I'm moving on with my life. You know what? I'm finally starting to remember who I really am. And its not this depressed, beaten-down, desperate person I've been for the past 8 months. <P>I agree you need to find yourself again. Good luck!

Hi WS -<P>Just got on since yesterday - sorry I took so long.<P>I think you have to first ask yourself how much you want to be of help to BIL & SIL.....Do you want to guide them and help them understand things or do you just want to lend an ear for BIL.. Or none of the above!!!!<P>If you want to guide them with knowledge that you've gained through this site as well as all the other resources and experience you have discovered than you have to tell him at least some of what you and H have gone through.<P>If you just want to lend an ear, well, I suppose you could just mention that a lot of couples have gone through this and some can make it work out, etc. Don't really have to say that you and H are one of them, even though you could and let it show him that things are not hopeless.<P>If you don't want to deal with it at all then give the phone to H.<P>You tried to get your husband's opinion on a serious matter involving his family member. He blew it off. The way I see it is that you should take whatever course you are comfortable with and whatever gets revealed along that course won't be upsetting to H because he apparently has no opinion on the matter!!<P>If you decide you want to guide BIL - tell your H that you want to help HIS BROTHER and that your experiences will be revealed in the process. See if he takes his head out of the clouds then!!<BR>If he says no - don't tell ; then let him know that he has to take an active role in coming to his brother's aid!!<P>What do you think??? <P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - you're right; you don't need this now!!!! Hey, who knows - this might reveal some things about your own situation in some way down the road!! Think Positive!!!!

Annie<BR>You sound great! I'm so glad. <BR>You are right - it's my secret too.<BR>I adore my BIL. He sounds like he really wants to talk. He has no sisters and all his brothers are - welllll - avoiders like my H. <BR>You are right, I could put it subtly couldn't I?<P>Sheba<BR>I don't think there is any helping them. To tell you the truth this has been coming for a while. I just want to be able to listen without it being uncomfortable. Heck I don't know if he has heard rumors. Maybe he is pumping me. I am so tired of this crap. Some days I could just go stand on the top of the roof and yell out "Hey everybody my H cheated on me with a stupid little bimbo. I'm still alive and nobody has to feel sorry for me okay!"<P>How are things there? I really am trying to lay low. Try to get my thoughts together. Some minutes it works. Some minutes it doesn't.<P><BR>

I agree you can do anything you want. It is not your job to protect your H from the natural consequenses of his own actions. That is different than being malicious or slanderous.<P>If my H had had a problem with ending his thing I would have brought in his family for support. As it was I did not want to hurt them and since H was remorseful, did not want to add further pain. But that is not the case with you.<P>I still struggle with telling my one friend, the one my H was out with when he met the bimbo tramp. H swears he does not know, and I believe him. I worked with this man 10 years or so and he and his wife have been our best "couple" friend, but he and I have always been very close. We don't talk personal stuff over alone, but we very much respect the other's business sense and decision making abilities about careers, so we many times have converstions on the phone or between ourselves when we are out as a couple. I feel ackward sometimes, because he really wanted me to help him when he started his own business and you can guess the timing...right after discovery...so I said no, but I know he thinks I let him down. We didn't invest in the venture for the same reason. I was too wary of making any financial decision, just in case. I hate the idea that I drove a wedge in a relationship and someone thinks I turned my back when the real reason was the "affair"<P>So I know how you are feeling....good luck with your decision.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL<BR>This really SUCKS. It's that word contaminated again. We have awkward feelings, triggers etc. because of an affair that spouse and OW decided to engage in without giving us a choice. I think that this is bothering me more than anything.<BR>I have tried to be good. Not say anything to anyone. Worried about my H being uncomfortable. Too bad he was sleeping during that Bible class.<BR>I told my H that I would be more comfortable if BIL knew and I never got a response. He knows now that BIL is telling me more than he is telling him. I think it's time to start thinking about me. That goes for you too. I want to be there for BIL. I can't be if I am uncomfortable. He lives about 2 hours away so it is mostly phone calls. If it happens again I think I will just say "do you know what your little brother has been up to?" Maybe he has heard rumors. Better to get it out in the open. If he doesn't know anything I can tone it down after that question. My BIL is the kind that worries if I'm too skinny. He notices things like that. He was here last summer when things were really ugly. I just want to be able to relax when he talks so that I can be there for him.<BR> I HATE SECRETS!!! I hate what this has turned me into. I want to be able to be good and honest like I was before.

That's it exactly. I hate not being open and honest. I think a person has a right to privacy. It has never been a big issue to me. My life is an open book. I am careful to live my life in such a way that I am not ashamed of it. When I do mess up, I am comfortable to let people learn from my own mistakes. <P>But the affair was so shameful, so dirty, so out of character and inappropriate, that I am happy no one knows. It is just not acceptable within the family, church or friends. And although I was the betrayed, I felt marked and ashamed too. Contaminated is the perfect word. It contaminated my wonderful life and some of the stains won't go away even though we have recovered well and really have a better marriage than ever as far as I can tell. There's one of the stains...eternal self questioning of my ability to judge even my own situation.<P>If I did tell my friend, he would give me 100% support and understand the choices I made. He would have been chagrined that my H met her with him. Even though he pursue's my H go go out and "have a few" with him once in a while, he would have never condoned OW. I know he wouldn't talk, but I wouldn't want him to keep it from his wife who is my friend too, but not the same bond. Plus I would never want him to "fall" in the same way H did...kind of by accident...so if he knew my pain, I think it would be an eye opener for him as well. <P>Oh well...<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

W,<BR>Just thinking out loud here?????? I MAY be going the wrong direction, but, as of this moment, this is what I think, now I could change my mind, but, that's OK because I am a woman, and I may be under sun stroke at the moment cause I'm taking a break from mowing. <BR>IF You tell your brother in law, " I'm going to share with you some very private information about me, for two resaons, 1st, cause I need some support, 2nd, so as we talk about your situation, this will give me more credibility with you and you may listen and take advice from one that has been there. Also, I know you want to keep this private about your marriage, and I feel the same about mine." <BR>Remember, W, that it is a little different when it is a female betrayer then a male. Listening is real important in the begainning. This is a big burden you will be taking on, but you have been here with all of these people, it will be just a little more personal. <BR>Another BIG help this may accomplish is, IF your H knows you are talking to him about your problem, it MAY help your H to come around, knowing that you are talking to him will give your H goals to show his brother how he can be better to you. When We went to counseling, My H reported every week his progress, and I told her nice things about him, this really pumped up his ego with me and himself, trying became the norm. I can really see how this may help your own situation! <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" :)<P><BR>

Good Morning Wassi. My 2 Cents.<BR>Since you can't tell Your BIL about your situation and he keeps reaching out for you. You need to tell him to go to a counsellor. You are dealing with your own stuff and should not have to carry his burden. I know you want to help. But it could be to your own detriment. It is times like this where our vulnerabilities are exposed and the possibility a negative impact on what you are trying to accomplish with your marriage. This goes back to the same reason that I am withdrawing from this board. I read these problems and relive it all over again with all of the hurt and anger. I could understand if you and Your H were back on track or if the affair was a distant memory but right now it is an aded burden that you don't need. Since you cant give a full disclosure (and shouldn't), you cant help him to the fullest. I know that this is opposition to what eeveryone eelse is saying but you have been through hell and back and need to preserve your peace of mind for your primary obligations. Your children and your family.

fighter<BR>Thank you for your 2 cents!!!<BR>The tough part of this is that my pesonality is the helper/giver type. BIL just seems to want someone to listen. No advice. <BR>when Their mother passed away I was 18. the only girl around. I tied their ties, I sat in the hospital waiting room with every one of them and listened (5 boys). I have always been there to as a shoulder to cry on. That is why the secrets are killing me. I HATE it!<BR>Do you really think that I have to keep this from him?<BR>My H has put me in an awkward situation with many people. He told whoever he chose to tell. The only brother he did tell was the one that I would rather didn't know. Don't I get any say in this?<BR>I guess this has been bothering me more than I realized. Not only did H have control over my life through his lies. Now he has control over who knows the secrets. Don't I get any say in anything?

That's a tough one Wassi. When looking at the future of keeping the relationship togther, it is better that fewer people know. I suspect that he might know. I know how secrets are passed around in families. Bottom line tho is that it is impacting you.<P>I know its' frustrating to hold a secret such as this. But that is the way it is. I wanted to tell the world of what she put me through but now that we are deep into recovery, I am sorry about the few people I did tell. <P>You are the helper/giver but you are in a position where you could be vulnerable.<P>Gotta go right now, be back later.