Do you think that if an emotional/physical affair is ended before it "runs it's course", i.e. inner/outside sources end it before the relationship has come to its natural conclusion, withdrawal is more difficult?<P>My thinking is that if two people are married and end up having an extramarital relationship, then end it before it really begins, it never got the chance to be a relationship really, therefore without benefit of breaking up because of a conflict or mutual loss of interest or the like, there can be no "closure".<P>Sound strange to anyone?<P><P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

I know where you're goin' but don't think it matters...you're talking about the "what ifs"... <P>Well, now that I think about it, I think you may have a point. Certainly, one day of heavy flirting is not going to cause the withdrawl of an affair that became sexual. <P>Why do you ask?

yeah, i think this is mentioned on the site as the normal course of events: the passion wears off, it ends, and no one knows about it...OOOORRRR, outside forces intervene, then ending is forced, and withdrawal sets in (or, in the case of my H, she ended it last year when i accused him of giving me and STD, but they kept it up, and another year passed before she rang the death knell again, but after the magic had left their relationship). so, they did eventually die a natural death, and now he is back. LOOONG wait. don't know if it would have ended sooner if not exposed...<BR><p>[This message has been edited by love WAS blind (edited August 26, 1999).]

I think this is an excellent question!<P>I would feel more "secure" knowing the affair had "run it's natural course".<P>We all wish we had partners who were remorseful, ended it immediately, etc. but that isn't the case sometimes.<P>Knowing there is no longer a attraction between two people feel s lot more secure to me than counting on the "betrayer" doing the "right thing" i.e. influences from family, friends, counselors, etc.<P>JMHO, tj

No question about it. Withdrawal is much more difficult. If your still in love with the op and the relationship ends because of outside influences you will continue to love the op for quite some time making withdrawal one of the worst experiences one can go through. I know for sure.

Speaking from experience....My affair with the OW ran it's course and died a natural death. We just came to the realization that we weren't the right person for each other, and the only common thing that kept us together was that we were both going through a rough time in our lives. <P>So I didn't really have a withdrawel from this person. We work for the same company, different departments on different floors, so I don't really see her a whole lot. We don't go out of our way not to see each other, and I still occasionally go up to her office to say hello.<P>But when we broke up, I didn't go through what a lot of you have gone through.<P>But I will say that if we had ended it while we still "loved" each other, it probably would have been a different story.

Interesting Thread.....<BR>My H had an online emotional affair. Both he and her say they have never met, but carried on phone conv, letters, emails, pictures, etc. He was planning to meet her several times, but it didn't happen. He now says he loves me and wants to be married, but he cannot(will not) discontinue his talking with her. I just wonder if because they never met, it is such a fantasy, that he cannot let it go??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Absolutely! Your always left with what ifs? and thoughts of how wonderful your life could have been with this OP. I read something last night that regret is the only emotion that the soul can never recover from. I definately believe that...how can you possibly go forward in life living with regrets? How sad must it be to die knowing you have regrets in your life? I don't want to have any regrets in live...it's too much of a downer.

i think affairs can and do run their course and when they do the emotional aftemath is simplier. that's the reason i'm incline to advice people the let the affair run it's course. it may be healitier in the long run. my w had an affair many years ago. i let it. i didn't bother her or get into their business. i did find her journel and read ever detail of the affair. anyway, afte a few months they broke it off and now she never mentions him nor does she care to see him again. on the other hand, my affair didn't exactly run it's course. i was relocated and could see her after expensive travel arrangements were made and then it was difficult for her to get free because she was afraid of getting caught as her divorce was on going. i called it off but missed her terribly for a long time.

Frankie--<BR>I would have loved to have the affair run it's course...but doesn't that just get yourself more involved with the OP?

I fear it is sad but true. Affairs that do not die a natural death are more distructive to all involved. The love for the OP lingers in the mind if not in actions for a very long time, maybe forever.<P>Just this morning I woke from a bad dream in which I had caught my H in another affair, in another city. H knew I was awake and asked what was wrong. I told him and mentioned my fear, in the course of the conversation, that he was continuing to contact the OW when he was away on trips. Our relationship has been wonderful for the last several months, we've never been closer, but I still fear his feelings for her. His response to me was that he would really like to call her, but has not for fear of my finding out. That, and the fact that the time difference makes calling difficult is all that keeps him from calling her. He said that ideally he wished he could have me and our relationship as it is now, but also be able to choose flights that would allow him to be with her when he had to work! He did say he realized that was impossible, but sure wished it could be true. That really hurt. He said he wanted to be honest about his feelings and wanted honest reactions from me! Then he said he was "in love" with me. Words I had been waiting to hear for 6 months. I responded with a big hug and kiss, tears in my eyes, thankful that he felt that way, when he added, "but, I love OW too, and always will have a special place in my heart for her."<BR>I know how he feels about her. I don't want to hear it in the same breath that he tells me he loves me. <BR>On the other hand I know where he is coming from. Before I met H I had a relationship that with a man that was highly erotic and sexual. There was never any promise of committment from that man to me, but a lot of good times spread over 5 years. I, at that time, (this was almost 20 years ago) secretly thought he was my soul mate, my one and only and that one day he would come to his senses, realize that and marry me. I told him, that no matter what I would always be his friend, that I could keeep that kind of promise. Needless to say, he never proposed, and for many years I thought I had missed my real (true) (BLECH) love and had settled for the next best thing in marrying my H. Through the years I did keep up with him. My H even encouraged it. I did not hide the yearly phone calls, and often told H what we had talked about. There was one period in my marriage that the OM (I guess he sorta qualifies for that title) toyed with the idea of getting together for "old times sake" "no strings attached" and had some less than platonic phone conversations. Being the promise keeper sorta person that I am, I laughingly suggested that those ideas should be kept in the realm of fantasy. We have not seen each other, except when he came to visit a year after my marriage, to meet the H and see our baby. That was 16 years ago. Through all that time the memories and fantasies I had about the OM would often come to surface when my H was gone on a trip and I was lonely, or when things were not going well between us. I began to have a more active sex life in my fantasies than in reality! Once or twice a month in reality. I wore out many batteries during that time, I can tell you that right now. (Oopps, maybe I shouldn't say that ) I think that my fantasies were more harmful than helpful to my relationship with my H, because my thoughts were dwelling in an imaginary world, and not dealing with the reality of meeting the needs of my H and asking him to meet mine.<BR>Anyway, to make what could be a very long story just a little bit shorter. About 6 or 7 years ago, during my yearly check in with the OM, I learned he and his wife had divorced because she had discovered him in an affair which had resulted in the birth of a child. He told me he believed himself to be a sex addict and had been going to counseling for his addiction!!<BR>Suddenly, the rose tint that had been covering my glasses cleared, and I realized what a jerk he was. Finally I realized that life would NOT have been better, but would have been much worse with him!!! It took THAT MANY YEARS to figure that out! I still have a teeny tiny place in my heart for this guy, and hope to hear about his life further as it progresses, but have absolutely no interest in developing any kind of relationship other than casual curiosity. <BR> <BR>So, see, the feelings do linger if the affair does not die a natural death. I can only hope that as time goes on, my H, who I am very much "in love" with now and "playing with" at least once a day (gotta make up for lost time) when he is home, will gradually delegate his feelings for the OW to a small recess in a part of his heart that he does not visit often.<P>There you have that one. Phew!<P>Thanks for listening!<BR>

Well I'm getting in late on this thread, but I just wanted to add that I believe withdrawal and recovery for the betrayer is MUCH worse when the affair doesn't run its course. It's hell. And I HATE "what if" questions. They drive me absolutely crazy.<P>But what would happen if the affair NEVER ends?? I'm reminded of freedom's story -- his affair went on for 6 years!! There's always that chance that it'll NEVER run it's course, and has to be broken off.<P>--airheart

on another note, I am reminded of the relationship that immediately preceded my marriage....it was painful and the emotions lingered even to this day...but I got over it, and learned to focus solely on my H because he is such a better man than the old boyfriend. So I'm trying to see the OM more like an old boyfriend. I still care, but can't imagine being with him instead of my H. I'll let you know if that works for me....:P<P>Also, I'm going to post about St. John's Wort...I decided to try it and wanted to know others' experiences with it.<P>Thanks<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Sad4Now,<P>I'm not the betrayer in my relationship with my h, but when I was much younger (and much more immature), I had an affair with a married man. We both were very stupid for doing what we did, it lasted a long time, and we were very much in love (so we believed), but we never really got to have a "REAL" relationship, so I think that I can tell you that, yes, it is harder when there is no closure. I've always wondered whether or not we would have made it, and I wondered that for a longtime. Even after my marriage, I would ride past his house, or he'd come past my Mother's when I'd visit, and then I'd get an anonymous phone call.<P>But now that real life has taken over, and I've been confronted with the same problem that I myself caused at one time, I the bubble has burst, and I know where I belong; and that I had no business in his life (in love with him or not).<P>To answer your question tho', it took five-years for me to come to this conclusion, and I think that if our "fairy-tell relationship" had ever seen the light-of-day (like S. Harley says), it would have failed.<P>I hope I've helped!!<P>Dragonfly

My affair didn't run it's course. If it had, things would have been much, much worse. I'm glad it didn't.

Sad4Now---<BR>I've been taking St. Johns Wort for a couple of months now. I bought a brand called Harmonex. I don't think it really works. I feel I'm getting better, but I don't know if it has anything to do with the drug. I'm definately not jumping for joy because of it. I still take it however.<BR>There's also another over the counter drug called Sam-E...it's supposed to kick in much quicker. I haven't been able to find it in the stores, but you can purchase it over the internet. It's much more expensive than St. Johns Wort.

I don't find it strange at all. I agree with it. Hey I experienced it - trough my H's affair.<BR>His was not only an emotional affair and it did run it's course finaly. But it was discovered way too early ( the first week it started ) which led to a big difficulty in ending it. First when it first came out, and he realized he was caught, he thought about ending it. But it was just begining, at the stage when everything is just perfect. How could he? I can see how it would be difficult,the begining of any relationship is such a high. She could do no wrong, she was perfect, she was oh so supportive, she would never hurt him, yada yada yada...he would end it, and then she would page and page, and he would end up meeting her, and then again the great feeling that with her everything would be perfect. He hadn't had a chance of witnessing firsthand her shortcomings - couldn't even believe she had any.There as time passed, she just started being less perfect ( hey this is starting to look like my marriage, what am I doing with this woman?) But there was a need to go trough all the stages. Being with her long enough to realize that after all she was just human. Man she was possessive and jealous, she wanted to do things her way or no way, she kept paging him while he was working and not let him concentrate, she was mean when talking about other coworkers. Only time could show him that. But because the affair was in the open since the begining, everytime he tried to end it he would be imagining how much better life would be with her. After a while,however, after knowing her better, being with her for a while, he finally realised that it really wasn't as perfect as he imagined. tha's when the rebuilding of our marriage really started. ANd that's why I'm happy I was able to let him end it by himtself, without trying to force him to end it ( o.k. I confess I helped along a bit, but nothing too obvious ). This way I feel better knowing that he didn't end it just because I gave him an ultimatum, or forced him to choose ( which can backfire later on ) but because he decided that he really wanted to work on our marriage instead of living with her.<BR>So in that sense, and for me - because everybody is different - the closure couldn't have come if he had ended it not because he was ready to, but because something had forced him to. <BR>kat

Very disheartening. My h. ow (emotional affair) died in 95. They were never really ever together. I discovered his attraction to her shortly after it started. He said he was going to forget her. She followed him (us) around without my knowing. She called the house once that I know of but eventually, she moved on as she had a boyfriend at the time of her death. My h. was never able to forget her. He built up a big fantasy in his head as to how they would be together in his next life. He carried on this fantasy for three more years after her death (she spoke to him from the grave). I knew nothing about any of this until seven months ago (except at the very beginning when I discovered his attraction to her in 89). I thought he let it go. Never realized how powerful it was. Anyway, since she died, there will never be closure I guess. So disheartening. Will he ever forget her? She became more to him in death than she was in life. <BR>We are now in the process of trying to rebuild. I wish they would have had a real affair so that he would have seen that she was not the angel he thinks she was. Afterall, do angels run around pursuing married men?

I agree, unfortunately sometimes it's too late once it has run it's course. I also think that I and the OM's wife have kept it from running it's course. I believe we have enabled the affair to continue because we both have been trying to maintain the families and trying to "win back" our spouses thereby making it easy for them to continue the dating or fantasy phase. How nice to be able to do what you want and yet come home for yet even more support. I think this is why there is a time limit necessary for plan A. I did not know I was doing plan A until I found this forum but it continued too long in my case (3 years).<BR>My W and I are divorsing now (still her choice), I hope for the other W sake that the affair will now run to it's end and at least thier marriage will have a chance to recover.