My H and I are 7 months into recovery. H had 4 month affair with our "friend". For the last 2 months I have watched my H become more and more distant from me. He is depressed and short-tempered and says he needs "time" to sort things out. From the beginning he was totally remorseful and never comtemplated leaving me.<P>After forcing a talk, I have discovered that he is fighting with his guilt. He can not forgive himself. His honor, which he always held as his greatest attribute, has been destroyed. He is searching for the "why" and "how" he could have done this terrible thing to everyone he loves.<P>I have not yet told him I forgive him, but I tell him often of my love for him and how it never wavered during these terrible months of discovery. I am close to forgiveness, but still hold something in my heart that will not allow me to totally forgive. I am searching for that last rope that binds me.<P>In the meantime, what do I do for H? Do I give him the space he thinks he needs? When I do, I feel we are both building walls between us to diminish the pain. Do I force myself on him to show him intimacy and support? I am totally confused. Are there any betrayers out there who have experienced this?

Zombie, forgiveness is a decision and really for your benefit more than your H's at this point. Lack of forgiveness leads to distance or anger to bitterness to resentment. My counselor advises me to forgive each new offense daily and to let go of those that things I have already forgiven.<P>Your H's feeling of guilt is his own problem and will not likely disappear the moment you tell him (if you do) that you forgive.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

Zombie, my H went through the exact same thing. His depression lasted for 11 months. There were some days he would show his depression and other days he wouldn't. But all in all, it did last the 11 months.<P>All you can do is Plan A him. When he is ready to forgive himself, then he will lift himself out of his depression.<P>p.s. maybe he needs to be on anti-deps....<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited January 14, 2000).]

Hi Zombie and No Trust,<P> I'm so glad you two posted...it's been 7mos. for us and my H is more withdrawn, depressed and distant than ever...We moved to start over and things have just gone downhill..we are in counseling with Steve H. but hasn't helped him a whole lot (mostly me....I feel like I can give the problem over to Steve)....I guess I just thought the depression/withdrawl would not take so long. I keep thinking maybe he's in secret contact with Ow or he will never come around and it's time for me to bail? No Trust, did your H just snap out of it or what was the change? How in the world did you handle it? I'm in a town with no friends, no job etc....it's been really tough. Thanks.....LU

Lu...<P>I am in the same position you are...no outside job because I am a stay-at-home Mom, only 1 close friend. Family & friends live far away. My H is an alcoholic and gave up drinking. His alcoholism was the root of the problem, then the affair followed afterwards.<P>My H did not just snap out of it. It was a long-drawn-out process of withdrawal, mood swings...content one day, withdrawn the next, guilt, depressed, etc.<P>I believe he went in withdrawal from the OW and the alcohol. The alcohol took longer (he will struggle with it forever) because he wasn't in love with this OW, yet he considered her a friend (YUCK!)<P>We went to therapy, he went to AA meeting, I went to Al-Anon, we went to church....and I did Plan A.<P>I have been doing my best to not Lovebust (but I have to admit that I do sometimes). I have been patient with him, although the rollercoaster ride he put me on drove me crazy for almost a year.<P>My H never went on anti-dep, but he does exercise almost daily. I imagine that helps him. I've also provided a nice, safe, loving environment for him. He has snapped out of his depression and things are good now.<P>I hope your H will come out of it soon. Plan A him and see where that leads. I'm sure it will have a positive affect on him.<P>p.s. In the meantime, while he was driving me nutso, I would Post and Read here. I would also call friends & family to talk (it meant a huge phone bill though).

Hi No Trust,<P> Thanks for the words of encouragment....my brother is an alcoholic so I know what that's about! I'm just glad to hear that they can still snap out of it...my H is really depressed, gained 40lbs. and barely talks to me....I sometimes just want to scream and sometimes I do!! I know I have some resentments since I gave up my good friends, town, basically my life to move on and he acts like he can barely tolerate me....it sure is rough. He doesn't believe in anti-deps.I will take your advice and try to Plan A ....btw, I'm a stay at home mother of four(2 in college)...so can relate to you!...Thanks for the advice! LU

Zombie<P>I know what a rollercoaster ride your H is on. Betrayers also suffer as a result of their infidility. My W and I are four months into recovery and we are doing ok. But, last weekend I just broke down and cried for about 30 minutes before we went to bed. I guess it all just hit me at one time, the guilt, the feelings that things may never be the same, the pain that I know I have caused my W. Some days are better than others for both of us. But one thing made a difference. My W just held me close and told me that she has forgiven me.<P>I thanked God that night for the wounderful woman to whom I am married. The biggest problem that I have to overcome is the feeling that I do not deserve her. Maybe someday I can regain her trust and give her a good reason to want to be my Wife. My heart goes out to you and your H. Give him lots of love and he will soon return it to you. Find a way to forgive him. It is the only way to move on.<P>Good Luck ....fs