OK, I'm looking for some information on why I am so attracted to my OM. <P>Even though it's been over 5 months since the break up and I do feel I'm much better in moving on, just seeing him makes my hands sweat. Because we work together, there have been occassions where we've interacted and just his smell makes me melt. He doesn't even wear cologne. His voice and just everything about him I find I'm so attracted to. <P>Now I've been in the workforce for 12 years and interacted with many men and never encountered anything like this until I met my OM. <P>I do feel attracted to my husband and I do remember loving my husband's smell and those little things as well in the beginning but my OM seems to be a magnet to me. I have to just stay away from him as much as possible. He will be moving in 2 weeks to other part of the company where I will mostly likely never see him. <P>I was just looking for some insight as to why he still has such power over me, why I'm still so attracted to him, I guess I was hoping that by now he wouldn't affect me like that anymore.

Maybe some primal reason? I heard a story on the news about a study of mens who hormones change as their partner's pregnancy and delivery progresses and it only happens when the man lives with the woman suggesting that maybe (spelling) fermones (which are detected by smell, but you are not conscious of an oder) are involved?<P>Thankfully that's why we have a brain to, so we can make good decisions about our instincts. <P>Yeah yeah yeah...he's leaving. Hummingbird, be prepared to have very mixed feelings about this. Even though in many ways this is what you want, it is a door closing and that always brings a bit of emotional upheaval. Doesn't mean you don't want your marriage or the OM is right for you. It is just dealing with change and the emotional housekeeping we all need to do when we experience change.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>Can you read my mind? You know I was feeling depressed that he's moving when I should be relieved. God, I hate this, I really hate this, I wish I could move forward 1 year in time to a place where hopefully I'll be more stable. <P>I've had a very emotional week. My OM approached me on Monday to tell me that him and his wife were going to start trying for another child, he wanted to tell me because he cared about me and didn't want me to learn through the grapevine at work. He said that he feels that he can be content at home as soon as he gets over me and he will most likely never leave because of his child, so because he wants more children, he's going to do it. Then he also says that his life is a total sacrafice for his son and life is a rutt that he can't get out of. <P>I'm happy for him that he's moving on but at the same time it makes me angry that he feels the need to tell me and then his statements contradict themselves and I don't know what my problem is because I don't really want him, I guess it just hurt. I feel my life is in limbo.

I think you are feeling sooooooo attracted to your OM because your emotions are so elivated and out of wack. You are feeling many things right now that may or may not have anything to do with the OM. The easiest explanation for these feelings is that it must be because of the OM...when it may have to do with something else entirely.<P>I'm not denying the fact that there is some sort of attraction to the OM...but, I think part of these feelings are coming from the fact that someday he will be out of your life entirely. Maybe you are making all of his traits more positive than they really are.<P>I think that he is still being put on a pedestal that he doesn't deserve. I mean, so what he smells good...I'm sure your husband smells good too. His voice...what's so attractive about his voice...everybody has one!<P>It seems to me he has some negative traits that far outweigh smelling good!<P>I know it seems impossible to ever get over the OM...I know you feel you will always love him and never find love for your husband. But, I have to tell you I've felt the same way...and now I know that it is possible...I can't even totally remember what my OM looks like (and I'm not about to take out a picture to remind me). <BR>

No, I can't read your mind...but I've have studied a lot of stuff that has given me some insights. I also have some great intuition which I can't explain quite so easily. Hmmm....maybe I CAN read your mind :eek <P>You can e-mail me if you want faithhopelove2@go.com.<P>Hang on...you get through this. Really.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

.......SIGH........<P>Yep.... I understand that.....totally!

Hummingbird,<P>I wonder this - I posted this to someone else awhile back. If you won $10,000 you would be so excited and your heart beating and racing and happy and gushing all over the place.<P>A few months later, you think about winning and when they told you that you won and when they handed you the check - all those fond memories and you still get kinda excited about it.<P>A few years later, you think about it and it is a wonderful memory and you REMEMBER how you felt, but you don't feel it anymore.<P>Maybe you just need more time - the feelings are still there because you need more time to make this a pleasant (or no so pleasant)memory....<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hummingbird,<P>What makes you so sure this guy is sincere? If you do work for the same company, he is in a way better situation if he can have some kind of power over you, and his "concerted effort to inform you first".... sounds like a bunch of CYA - and bologne, if you ask me. <P>Hummingbird, you need to learn how to find disgust in this guy. Us betrayed can find disgust in our betraying husbands so easily, and have to actually work HARDER than HARD to try and build those positive feelings back up for our husbands. <P>It may be judgemental of me, and I'm trying to be supportive, not judgemental, but I think if you really sat and thought about it, you could see this guy in a new light and totally exhaust those possible primal feelings. <P>He is a JERK, to PRETEND to want further commitment from his wife and working on his marriage, without being honest. He wants everyone to carry on his charade, so he can continue to live the lie he has lived. Whether or not your relationship continued or ended, he is still living a lie, and his integrity and character is (in my book and yes that is judgemental) CRAP.<P>Now, do I need to give you lessons on how to hate an OM? Never been there, but I'm sure I could think of all the negatives I feel for what my husband did to us, and transfer them to you and you could place them on your OM and you are absolutely OVER this guy!<P>In a perfect world.....

Hummingbird,<P>To build on what trustntruth said, what would you think of your husband if he behaved as your OM has? Would you think he was such a great guy or would you have disgust and loathing for the way he was treating you and an OW? Wake up, this guy is not your friend. Friends don't do things that hurt their friends or their friends marriages. That goes for you as well. You are not his friend either for coming between him and his wife.

Hummingbird<BR>I will add one other thing here. Always remember, if he were to leave his wife for you then you would be married to a betrayer. If he did it to her, he will probably do it to you. Then the shoe would be on the other foot. This is the way I thought about my OW along with the fact that I realized that she is a liar. I learned a lot about her after I opened my eyes. <P>Good luck to you. Time will put these feelings behind you. I think it was you that posted a while back ways to put love in your marriage. I printed these out and I am trying to live by them every day. Go back and find this post. It has helped me alot.<P>FS

Thanks everyone.<P>Holly, I think you really hit with me. It could just be part of the process of letting go with me. Your right, he is on a pedestal that he doesn't deserve with me and I don't know what the heck it is about his voice or smell, your right, everyone has a voice and a smell! I just wish I thought he smelled like ****!!<P>FHL, thank you very much. Yes, I will email you. Your advice and support to me has helped me tremendously. God bless you.<P>Lacee, we'll get through this! It is so better for me than it was. I guess it just take time.<P>Roll Me Away, thanks for much for the analagy. Your right. I remember reading that before. I can't wait for all this to be a distant memory. The feelings are not as intense as they were but I still remember like yesterday what it was like. <P>Truthntrust, I have tried to hate him, I will hold onto what you said. It did make me angry that he told me and I do feel that he purposely messes with my head. His wife is probably very excited about starting for another child and has no idea what he's telling me, he's a jerk for what he's doing to me and her. Your right he wants to come off looking like the good guy, the Wonderful husband but at the same time wants me to believe that I'll always be the love of his life, his true love.<P>TCL, thank you and I will build on what TNT said. He told me for so long how miserable his life was with his wife and I felt that I was saving him from this miserable, he still continues to say how his life will be an entire sacrafice for his child, but your right, it's his life and I just need to get away from him. He truly is poison to me.<P>firestorm, yes, that was me that posted those things awhile back. Thanks for reminding me. I'm so happy it's helped you. I guess in this withdrawal process I tend to get off track now and then but eventually I'll get there.<P>Thanks again everyone.

OK...hum, this is going to sound pretty weird, but it is worth a try. You want to think OM smells like ****? Go ahead, associate him with it. Think of him stepping in a big pile of steaming.....and having it smeared all over his shoes. Then think how he would smell as he approached you. Make yourself a litte sick to your stomach with this thought for a while. Then think about this image next time you see him and I'm betting he won't smell quite so good.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Humm,<P>Long time no see. I sure do understand what you are going thru right now. Being that you work with this guy makes it as hard as it can be. I guess I can say that I began drifting away from any positive feelings for the OM when I finally started realizing the hell and havoc they didn't care that they were reeking in my life. When I realized how badly and easily I was being used. <P>But, yes, it is tough, and different things work for each of us. If missing him and longing for him evoked only negative emotions, you'd find ways to do it less a whole lot more quickly. <P>But in truth, it brings a bit of a thrill, being near him - it's like smelling chocolate cake without being able to have a slice. (But this cake - it's full of maggots, loose curly pubic hairs, a few raw onions, been droppen on the floor next to a plie of poop - need I go on??) (Heh, I made myself gag. I'm gross hehe.) That's what your life will feel like if you take that taste.<P>As for Prince cHARMING, I think the whole thing about him telling you about his bedroom business with his wife stinks. BAD. Funny, it seems like he knows or thinks that your poor little life would be shattered should you find out about anything he does in his. PUHLEASE! Poop on him! And shame on him too. He sure does think a lot of himself after what he's helped create in your life. You might not see it like that now, and you might even think I've finally gone nuts, but the more I think of him coming to you to tell you this, the more indignant I become on your behalf.<P>Humm< i'm on your side, I hope you see that. If this post seems a bit heated it's because I am still dealing with anger towards the OM now and then. I'm just NOW beginning to realize what REALLY happened. It s*cks, but it's a wake up call, and feels better than blaming myself for everything (although I DO accept the segment of blame which is by far the largest)<P>I think the sooner you are away from him, the better. He has no place in your life now. And the one he took was stolen and caused you and our loved ones way too much pain and suffering. I don't think any less of you for deciding to keep your job. You have a life outside of what you did, and your work is part of it. But please, Humm, stay away from him. He doesn't deserve the time of day from you. And don't talk to him if he tries to talk to you, I don't care if his cologne-sodden @ss is in fire. Let him put it out himself. <P>Love Ya,<P>K <P>

***WHAT SHE SAID***!!!!!<P>Khyra, I laughed my @ss off at your post! You are too funny.<P>Hum, I really do remember the stuff you're going through... for years I did a double-take when I smelled a certain cologne (but I no longer go to the store on purpose to INHALE it! lol). It *is* very primal - remember that you were getting mega-blasts of home-made Happy Drugs (brain chemicals) during your affair, and that your poor, primitive, lizard-like brain stem still associates them with everything about this guy... it does NOT mean you love him or he's special, and it WILL wear off over time. I swear.<P>BTW, I'm with everybody else on him being *gracious* and *thoughful* enough to tell you he & his W are going to have lots of sex & another kid... *BARF*! As Khyra said, PUH-LEEEEZE. If he ever does anything like that again, just give him a blank look, shrug your shoulders & go "what? oh, okay..." as you walk away riffling your important papers. That'll take the wind out of his sails. Self-important poop.<P>Hum (Holly, Lacee, whoever...) - I SWEAR all this goes away! It just gets better & better. The obsession will lose its hold over you with time. I never thought I'd ever be free of it either, but I am! <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited January 16, 2000).]

Wow! Sounds like this guy has a real ego problem! Can you imagine what it would be like if you WERE married to him? Imagine him going to one of his coworkers telling them about YOUR sex life. YUK! I know how you feel, as I have been the betrayer, and this has helped me to think in these terms. When it all got down to it, I could never trust the OM in my life, because he cheated on his wife before they were divorced. He even flirted when he was with me. I could never feel secure with a guy like that. When I realized all of this, I didn't want him. Sure, I am still attracted to him, sometimes I just CRAVE him...but, it's not worth it. I'm praying for you

Heh, Thanks, Suse! You made my day lol.<P>

It is interesting, isn't it? How something so basically primal as scent can make us lose it for the wrong person.<BR>There is some GREAT words of advice given with an excellent touch of humour here. I really hope you will see it for what it is: he is testing the waters for a little "one last time to say goodbye the right way" type of situation. ANY contact by you or him that goes beyond business is setting up for possibilities. The only way for nothing to ever happen again is to have 0, zip, no-way Jose contact with the OP.<BR>Good luck and stay strong.<P>------------------<BR>"Remeber that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

Thanks everyone!!<P>FHL, I've been trying your advice! Everytime I've seen him today I've been picturing a huge pile of **** on his face!! Hey, it's helped, now I just wish I could throw some at him! I know that's mean right.<P>Khrya, yeah, your right, even though he's put me through so much, I do still love him and when I do smell him it does bring back those lovings feelings I shared with him, the connection and how loved I felt with him. God, your analogy of the cake with maggots!!!! You really made me laugh!! thank you so much! He doesn't deserve any part of my life anymore and he never did, but it taken me a long time to realize that. He is very cocky in his attitude, thinking how crushed I'm going to be when I find out, like poor me, what will I ever do, maybe consider suicide or something. I thought for so long that his intentions towards me were so sincere and caring but then he says things and does things that I can't understand what his intentions are other than to manipulate my thinking and my life.<P>Suse, thanks for the words of encouragement, you offer alot of hope that things will get better and I know they will, I just wish they would faster than they are. I'm so happy for you that your finally free of all this and I can't wait to be in your shoes!<P>Danielle, I actually feel very sorry for his wife. I have this vision and thinking of her that it probably totally wrong. He spoken so badly of her and I guarantee that she doesn't know that he feels his life is a complete sacrafice for his son or that he feels his life is a rutt that he can't get out of. He tells me things that his wife just wants to have another child so that she's guaranteed that he'll never leave, and comments like she only wants his deposit and then he can leave, which I suspect that this is not true.<P>Baby bear, if he does try to talk to me again I will ignore him. I'm going to leave him to his own screwed up life and try to stay away getting caught up in his tangled web again.

WHAT?! Please spare me. Obviously this OM understands Hummingbird is having problems withdrawing. When you tell your OP you are planning on having a BABY it is SOOOOOO much more than bragging about having sex with your spouse. Yes- get over it- he MAKES LOVE to his wife to have a baby. It's a big emotional step for the both of them. He obviously wanted the impact of his decision to stay with his wife and have another baby be understood.<BR>The OM probably feels guilty towards starting up with Hummingbird which I could understand his being sympathetic to her feelings.<P>This thing about the SMELL. Is called pheramones and according Judith Sills from A Fine Romance her Romantic Time Line states this chemical exchange can take 2 1/2 to 3 years to subside (granted the partners stay together or work closely with each other). But there is a LOT more to her time line than the chemical seduction that make us feel like teenagers again.<P>MEN SMELL- whether you sniff their cologne or not. Stop letting yourself drift back into the CLOUDS. Think about a back bone and you'll have one. I pray for you.<P>

Hummy,<P>Hey hon, I really smiled when I read your reply! You go girl! This kinda attitude will help give you the strength to do what you need! Glad you liked the cake analogy.<P>Ok, here we go, yes, Sad, we all know about PHEROMONES and what they do. Yes, they can be powerful, but not more powerful than a human's will. If that weren't true, we'd all be having unabandoned sex with everyone who's smell attracted us so ... 86 THAT one, baby! <P>Oh, and as for the OM being "considerate" because he told her about "making love" to his wife - PUHLEASEEE!!!! Who the hell cares what he does in his bedroom?? Hummingbird's obviously NOT in it! That's HIS agenda now, NOT something that is at all appropriate for him to be telling someone who he KNOWS damn well he's supposed to be staying clear the heck away from.<P>I firmly hold my position and am glad that Hummingbird and all the others agree that the OM is acting like an egotisitcal jerk. It's healthy and empowering for her to be angry with this guy. He helped her create turmoil in her marriage that will take her a long time to repair. This man doesn't DESERVE the benefit of the doubt - she CAN'T afford to give that to him anymore! <P>Anyway, that said, Keep up the good work, Hummingbird. Don't let bad advice sidetrack ya, because you will get lots of it from people who may not fully understand your situation or have your best interests at heart. Just like I did! It's rough, sorting the good from the bad, but your heart will help you see it - it's gotten you this far, and you've come a long way.<P>Love, Khyra