Having a bad day.... He's at her house and I know he'll come home later expecting me to "approve" the decisions she helped him make! He'll shut me out because I don't want to do what she suggested! I want to join the army! I want my own machine gun! I want ..... <P>Sorry, I know that I'm suppose to be doing Plan A, but I don't even know what Plan A is yet, I better go do some reading...

I am listening. I am sorry that you feel so frustrated. Please hang in there and doing your reading of Plan A <P>

I'm listening! Don't get the bullets yet.<P><BR>Need more info... What has he been doing? Why is SHE helping him make decisions?<P>Just start writing it helps.

Keosha,<P>Yes... we're listening... <BR>Takes time to get here every once in awhile. <P>As for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> stuff... and eveything else... go back to your original post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011886.html" TARGET=_blank>Need Advice and Support</A>... Click on underlined words to get you to the "topic" quicker...<P>Do tell us more...<BR>It's hard to help without knowing some of the detail... <P>Jim

Yes we are listening...<BR>one thing though.... um, I will let NSR give you the specifics/links to the info on what Plan A is... <BR>one little tip though... I don't think it involves a machine gun...<BR>Deut<BR>

Sorry about the gun "thing". It's a family trait, grandpa shot the OM, Uncle Ed shot the OM, Aunt Sara shot the OW. I've been raised on the idea that you simply eliminate the competition. (hey, it worked for them!)<P>This has been building up for so long that I feel like a balloon, I may "pop" and explode all over the place... (but I haven't shot anyone yet) and I honestly do not intend to start shooting... <P>I've been reading some of Plan A. It looks like it's designed for a physical affair, H is having an EA. He doesn't recignize it as an affair. He tells me the OW is his best friend. He goes to concerts with her (includes her husband most times) he doesn't want me with them b/c the music is for him and her to fine tune their ability to sing together. They aren't entertainers, they have no reason to sing together. This is a recrecreational need of his that she supplies. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, so I bought a organ and learned to play it so I could share this activity with him, but he still prefers to sing with her. (POJA would eliminate this activity) <P>Sorry... I can't explain more, the pain makes my thinking fuzzy, I know i'm not explaining this very well.<P>H wants a good marriage, I want a good marriage. <P>How do I get him to see that his friendship with OW is causing our marriage to crumble? When we have a problem he won't talk to me about it. He talks to her about it. Him and her decide the best solution and he feels like the problem is solved. He doesn't understand that for me the problem is still there and it's growing! I am very resentful that he takes our personal problems to her and refuses to discuss them with me!

I forgot to mention this... <P>He calls me from work (long distance) and we talk 1 or 2 minutes every 2 or 3 weeks, most of the conversation is him telling me that we can't afford long distance telephone calls. <P>When the phone bill comes I find out that he's called her several times every week and talks from 1/2 hour to 2 hours! Sometimes he calls her twice in one day, then a few days will go by without any calls, then maybe he'll call her every day for a week. <P>I'm starting to see a pattern. He always calls her either right before or right after he calls me. But... he calls her many many times when he doesn't call me. Why would he call her EVERY time he calls me? Is this a hint that the EA has gone so far that he feels like he's cheating on her? Does he call her because he feels guilty about calling me? I could drive myself nuts trying to figure this one out.<P>He also goes shopping for her. She calls him on his cell phone to tell him what she wants and he picks it up for her on his way home. That means he stops by her house before I see him. He says it's rude to just drop off something and leave so he stays to visit awhile. Sometimes (usually) "awhile" is until bedtime, then he comes home and goes to bed. <P>Then he gets upset with me because I'm not loving, and ready for sex. SORRY!!! the evenings activities just didn't turn me on! (sarcasam intended) When I've spent the last hour laying in bed alone, thinking about tying him to the bed, using a baseball bat to give him a "attitude adjustment" and he wants me to be sexy... not likely!!!<P>

I'm sure you can better advise from someone else on what to do about HER, I'm a bit too militant myself right now.<P>But when he gets home, if he is in the mood... find a way! He hasn't been with her. So make him glad he didn't. I know it's hard but in the long run you will be glad you did.

that is similar to me, the phone call thing...H would be on with OW, then i would call, he would call me back, then call her back. you could tell, because it was a cell phone bill was all detailed. he told me he was guilty talking to HER. whatever.<BR>how far is it to make the calls long distance? we have a thing where it WOULD be LD to his work, but for $10 you get 180 minutes a month of free calls. find out if your phone company has that, and he can dump THAT lame excuse.<BR>yeah, you are really going to have to plan A him, sex or not...just be sweet and sexy and all that...and hide the white knuckles from the effort...it WILL get easier-ask sheba.<BR>why does this woman's H allow your H to hang around so much? that is too weird, i think<BR>

I don't know if you have the book or not but one quote that sticks out to me is <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. (page 85 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>To that end... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is still your best course of action. <P>Jim

Thanks for all the support, I feel like I can almost Plan A now, it'll be hard, but I can do it.<P>As for her husband "putting up with it" ...<P>This woman controls her family, when she says "jump!", they say "how high?" I think her H is happy to have her attention diverted to someone else to give him some peace... <P>Which brings up another question.. <P>my H complains that I try to control him. Shoot, I don't even talk to him, and I sure don't try to influence him or control him. OW has him dancing on a string (she totally controls him) and he keeps going back for more! I don't understand that at all.<P>I'm so full of anger. It's going to be very hard to avoid LB.<P>Also, OW is a ugly woman. I'm not just imagining this to please my own ego. She looks more like a man than a woman! She's about 100 lbs over weight, doesn't wear makeup (her complexion is weathered), and her hair style is "run a comb thru it and let it go". <P>Sometimes I think of my H as her pet puppy. Sad, but true.<P>I know so much about OW b/c she used to be my BF.<P>