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Joined: Jan 2000
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SaraLee Offline OP
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What is the difference between being mentally unfaithful and fantasizing? Is there a difference? Where is the line to tell if you're experiencing one or the other? <P>One more question - if you are committed to a relationship, can you be tempted elsewhere? Does commitment mean that you recognize an attraction but refuse to act on it? Or, must something be missing in your relationship or your feelings for your partner in order for you to be tempted by someone else? <P><BR>Thanks. <P>Sarah.<BR>

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Quick answer...<P>Almost everyone can and will be tempted in their marriage, although I think a variety of factors and backround may make some people more or less vunerable.<P>OK...this is my own opinion, not Harley's methods, but I think many, not all, attractions that you are truly tempted by is has more to do with what the potential betrayer has going on inside there head at that particular time, than serious problems in the relationship. That said, many relationships have big and little problems that can allow a marriage to become vunerable.<P>And who of us married folk are completely pleased about our mate and our relationship all the time?<P>No one. We are all human and we all have faults and weaknesses that are unattractive. Face it. Accept it.<P>I think an affair often, not always,happens when someone is questioning or unsettled with themselves at a time when they find someone attractive which acts like a spot light shining on all the unattractive traits of their spouse and the weaknesses of their relationship. And it mushrooms.<P>Short circuit the process and you headed off the affair.<P>If what your mental thoughts are not honoring your marriage or if they diminish your parnter in your mind, then they are a candidate at least for mental unfaithfulness IMMHO <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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being mentally unfaithful is the state of mind when your "there" is better than her. When you would rather be with them then with your partner. Thats when you cross the line.<P>Yeah, I feel ike there has to be something missing when you wanna be "there" than "here". Thats why affairs happen.

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We're married, not dead. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>We're only human; we're always going to think other people are attractive. But there's a difference between "He/she is attractive" and "I'm attracted to him/her." The first is a subjective judgment, a statement of what we believe to be fact. The second is where it goes beyond "I like looking at that painting" and into the realm of "I want it hanging in my living room."<P>It's like thinking an actor or actress or other celebrity is "attractive." We may think, "He's cute", or "She's really sexy", but in most cases, it doesn't extend to "I'm going to go to L.A. and stalk him/her so I can have him/her."<P>See the difference?

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SaraLee Offline OP
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The argument was – if someone has fantasized (my word)/mentally connecting with another person (someone else's phrase), are they already at the crossroads? Is a physical affair just the physical aspect of what’s already happened mentally? Kind of, “if you’ve thought it, you might as well do it because you’ve already committed adultery in your heart. Your partner deserves more, you should let them go find someone who won’t be tempted by another and you will find the happiness that you are obviously missing in the first place.” Ok, that’s really bare-bones, but that’s more or less the summary when you get down to it. It sounds like justification to me. <P>Ok, I feel better now. The emotional child in me got a little whacko there. Just had to sit back and sort it out a minute.<P><BR>Thanks everyone.<BR>Sarah.

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Sarah,<P>I'm glad you gave yourself a talkin' to! Even better that you came up with such good answers.<P>Remember when you betray your partner, you are also betraying yourself.<P>None of us is perfect and I would think very few, even in long term happy marriages did not go through a stage where it would have been nice if their H/W evaporated. Not died, not divorced...just disappeared. Then you get over it and move forward again. When you hit one of these times and find someone attractive, or if you find someone attractive and you start questioning your marriage, you are playing with fire. But that is no reason to jump in and really get burned.<P>Be strong. Read much. Think good positive thoughts about your H and marriage.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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Hi SaraLee,<BR>I looked over your past messages and I added a couple of replies to your January 11th page. As far as this post, I think that people fall into affairs because they justify it. They use that scripture from the Bible referring to lusting in your mind is the same as actually physically being involved. It still SEEMS much worse when it becomes reality. Once you break that bond, it is so hard to repair. Even if you're forgiven for it, the guilt is so bad. It's not worth it. Don't give in. It's not a sin to be tempted, Jesus was tempted, but it's a sin to give in to that temptation. HANG IN THERE! Don't make the same mistake I did. I wish so bad that I'd found this site before I messed up.

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Dear Saralee,<BR>Ditto to Danielle.... My H had two EM's<BR>The second being stronger than the first.<BR>Perhaps because the first one was never dealt with properly. In each case he admitted to one kiss only. The extreme damage and hurt have been equal~ if not more painful~ than an affair that has turned physical. After what I have been through I myself have given this question much thought. I have come to this conclusion.<BR>#1 We've all had the occasion or been under the right circumstances to be tempted or lust, right? Now what do we do if we want to do the mature thing.<BR> We must remove ourselves or quench those thoughts. ...give them no place. You see it's like a seed. In this case a weed seed!..haha The dwelling or giving place essentially waters the seed..... it grows<BR>it becomes harder to deal with..<BR> O.K. so you were not able to stop it at the #1 stage. <P>#2 you've given OP place in your mind. Your thinking and thinking about it. With the occasional twing of your conscience butting in. At this stage it's now effecting your marital relationship negatively, You are slowly slipping into a delusion and you ARE effecting your spouse ...but the S can't quite put their finger on the problem, because of the facade that you've tried to put up. <BR> What does the mature person do at this point. They must be honest with their S or I <BR>believe it's may possible to overcome through trusted counsel(like your doing)<BR>In my opinion a pastor is very good too.<BR> Profound damage is eliminated if it stops at this point. The roots haven't become entwined with the bridal rose...so to speak<BR>#3 OHHHH NOOOO stage three has set in. I descibe it as the verbal affirmation stage You and the OP have exchanged equally reciprocated feelings,verbally. AT THIS POINT THE AFFAIR IS OFF AND RUNNING. The ultimate damage has begun. The weed seed has developed roots that will strangle and KILL the bridal rose.....You know the rest from there.....<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Lost her song (but trying to find it again)


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