<BR>Now what? I was doing a really good Plan A-so good that H. wanted to talk about it. We talked and cried for the past 3 hours and I gave in and said he should go ahead and move out. (See story under emotional needs "withdrawel" from several days ago). I had hurt him so much that it hurt for him to look at me because of the pain he felt and the pain he thought he was causing me when he wasn't receptive to my being so nice. He said he felt awful that I was giving so much and that he wasn't able to give in return. It has been very tense around our house. I didn't know what else to do but say o.k. He was telling me he's not ready to work on relationship right now because when he looks at me he sees the person that basically broke his heart. He thinks that we need some space to get some perspective. I know he felt a lot of pressure when he is at home and that's why he stayed out so late. I believe him and trust him. He said he is not emotionally ready to get involved with anyone else. He cried so much. The more I told him how good things can be-the more he cried. I understood in my own mind that if we continued like this he really would not love me anymore. He already is no longer "in love" with me. He says that he has not closed the door on us getting back together. He will probably move out in the next few weeks with my blessing. I realize now that I can't force him into something he's not ready for. Any thoughts or suggestions?

It will be more difficult to work on your marriage if you are not living together. Being separated is NOT the answer. You will soon find this out if your H leaves.<P>Plan A doesn't work overnight. You have to be patient. It takes babysteps.<P>I suggest talking to your H again about NOT moving out. I apologize that I don't know your story (it wasn't in your profile and I can't remember if I responded to your previous posts. For that, I'm sorry). So, I'm not sure who had the affair.<P>If your H had the affair, separation would definitely NOT be the thing to do. It just makes it so much easier for him to go and be with the OW.<P>If you had the affair...then, it sounds like your H has a hard time forgiving you, but it can be done.<P>Before doing anything hasty, I suggest going to counseling or calling Dr. Harley for advice. But, as I said before...separation is not the answer.

molly --<P>I have to agree with no trust. It's probably be much harder if your H moves out.<P>I, too, checked your profile and didn't find any info on your background. I started a two threads this past week. One was about "other sex friendships" and the other on "falsely accusing or being accused of having an affair". You may want to check them out since some really interesting posts happened there. Also, check Falsely Accused since she has some interesting perspectives that may give you some insight if you may have accused your H of an affair.<P>Best of luck. You're not alone...<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone<P>

How can I force him to do something he's not ready to do. He doesn't trust that I won't hurt him again. It has become quite painful as well for me to live with him knowing that he is no longer "in love" with me. When I spoke with him this morning he said he had not given up on us but that when one door closes another opens. He said that other door may be us getting back together. He will be out of town for the next few days. I wrote him a letter suggesting how it can be for us and how seperation will only amplify the pain... He made sure he had the letter before he left. He'll be back on Monday. I have an appt. with Steve Harley Monday.

Molly,<BR>I agree with the others in that it will be harder to work on things. But I also think that in some ways it may be easier. I left my home because my wife was in constant pain when i was around. It wasn't helping her even though I was helping with the work load and the kids.<P>The pain of being apart is horrible, but it gives you a buffer to sit back and think. it also lets you concentrate on Plan A, when you feel like LB you have some space to get control of yourself. I cant control my W's relationship with the OM but I couldn't from the home either.<BR>See what harley says about it.<P>Prayers...<BR>J<BR>

Molly, the old adage where there's smoke, there's fire comes to my mind......my H refused to reveal the affair to me though we had so many honest talks and he acted much in the same way, cried when he talked about separating and then pushed further into separating, are you sure he's completely honest? Your suspicions from previously might indeed be correct, I would not give up on those perceptions you had before completely........<BR>As far as what No Trust said I agree completely. I would go to your H and say quite honestly that you really want to work on this and that you want counseling together to work out things. I would stress him NOT moving out until the two of you are absolutely sure that your don't want to be together. He might be asking for separation but really want to see if your willing to fight to put the marriage back together. Tell him you will give him space and even come up with an agreement between the two of you on how you will handle things, then work, work, work! Continue to read Dr. Harley's books and any others you can get your hands on (I'm sure NSR gave you the list when you first started coming here! ) and remember to breath and that we are here for you to vent to! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I'm am crying and don't know where to turn. I believe he is not having an affair. I don't doubt he confided in a female about us, but I believe that's where it ended. Despite that he has said and I tend to agree that I hurt him so much-he says "I left him" when I had asked for some space by moving into the other bedroom. I wasn't seeing anyone-but I needed time by myself. Yes, I know that was a major indicator that I wasn't satisfied with the way the relationship was going. I kept accusing him of being with this person when he was out and that became the focus of our problem instead of the fact that I had hurt him so. I didn't want to take responsibilty for hurting him, I wanted the reason for our problems to be another woman. If I keep pushing him to stay I think he will resent me. He said that he doesn't want to go back to that relationship with me but hasn't closed the door on us being together. He said he can't see the changed me when we are in the same home. He says he sees the person that hurt him.