I am insanely jealous of most of you!!! Since my H works out of town during the week and doesn't stay here on weekends, I get to see him a couple of hours a week. Most of that is awkward silence. He's angry and most of the time I don't know what to say to him. I long for the days when we hold each other again.

Thought I'd check back after the weekend. Some interesting responses so far. Some thoughts...<P>I remember that harley doesn't count family time, or time doing things like movies as quality time toward the 15 hours/minimum. Yet, those of us out there with kids find this almost unrealistic. So often, my W and I are going in different directions on the weekends to kids sports events, practices, etc. The older they get, the more active they are. Since my family did little to nothing to attend my events growing up, I made it a point that I would not follow in their footsteps with my kids. Yet, perhaps that may be where I went wrong in my marriage. Perhaps I should have made a determined effort to maintain that time aone with my W, even if it need to be at the expense of the kids no and then.<P>Weekdays don't give us much time since I'm usually enroute to work by 530am, back by about 830pm r so. Kids go to bed about 9pm, so my wife usually tries to get "come down" afterward. Often times, it's a glass of wine or a beer, and curling up with a book.<BR>Although she says that I never ask about what's happening in her world, she doesn't show much outward interest in talking.<P>A note about last night... I went out to dinner and movie with my W. Went out of my way to NOT talk about our marriage problems and avoided ALL LB's. I had an opportinuty to two to respond to negative comments that she made at me, but resisted. Yes, it was real tough, since I've grown tired of "rolling over" when my instincts say "dig in and defend yourself".<P>It was a nice evening. Still no hugs, kissed, or physical contact. But, we actually looked each other in the eyes once and a while. Small victory, but a victory nonetheless! At this point, we're trying to learn what it's like to be friends again.<P>I'm keeping track of my times this week. I'll be curious to see how we fit into Harley's "plan".<P>Best to al, and <P>Chin Up!<P>--keystone

Hey Keystone good question My H works around 80 hours a week sometimes more sometimes less(not much though). This doesn't leave much time to spend quality time together or even as a family. So my answer is none! <P>When he is home he's usually on the computer or in front of the TV sleeping. Its not fun trying to watch TV with someone snoring in the room so we all just give up and let him sleep. <P>He had two days off this weekend. I needed to take the girls out shopping for clothes yesterday, he wanted to come along. I went along with it figuring we would at least spend some time as a family. Ha! Was I ever wrong. We could tell by the look on his face before we even left the house that he went into one of his moods. It got to the point when we were out that my D(14yr old) turned to me and said " He's being a real pain in the A$$, why the F didn't he just stay home!" Right out of the mouth of a teen(I knew she would learn something in HS English! LOL) This was our quality family timeand to think he took the day off to spend time with us! When we got home he retreated(still in his mood) to the computer and thats where he sat until I had dinner on the table. Then it was back to the computer while D & I cleaned up and then after that he was in front of the TV again. <P>So much for quality time for us. I tried the other night to go sit by him while he was watching Tv(not that what he was watching interested me), and he ignored me so I said the heck with this and started doing things around the house. <P>I guess this is one of the reasons our marriage is so bad right now.

Prior to discovery, for the year of my h affair, we spent almost all of our free time with the ow and her family. Now we find ourselves without our extracurricular activity planner! (Thankfully :cool I know that when we do spend time just the two of us that things go a lot better. When we are each busy for a couple of weekends things get a little strained. Time together is essential! This is a poor paraphrase of Harley but, "the less time you want to spend with your s, the more time you NEED to spend with him or her." Take the Time!!!

I'm just warming up to a new thread that I may start: "How do you find quality time with your spouse?"<P>One thing on that subject -- Go out of your way to have a family dinner at least one night per week. No TV (music's probably okay). Home cooked meal that maybe both spouses contribute toward the preparation.<BR>Even add a desert so that everybody HAS to stay at the table -- they cannot just "eat and run". You talk, you look in each others eyes, you laugh. You may even learn something new.<P>I know we USED to have these gatherings every Sunday. We're trying to find the time in our kids and our own schedules to do it again! Even though it's not Harley's definition, I'd consider it quality time.<P>This new thread, coming to a website near you soon. First, we have to keep the survey going and I'm still tracking my own quality time this week.<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone<p>[This message has been edited by keystone (edited January 18, 2000).]

Thought I'd add two cents;<BR>Our time each day varies, as does the "quality factor" when we have alone time. If he's been traveling , I make more of an effort to TALK LESS, listen and just enjoy being with him. If it's a normal week, we laugh, make jokes, drink some wine and get a bit goofy.<P>The interesting thing here is that the nights aren't really what is helping us click...it's the phone calls during the day, usually 2 or 3 and the phone calls while he travels, usually 1 during the day and two at night. ONE CALL FOR THE KIDS AND ONE CALL FOR ME Last week he waited up til 1 am his time in the east...so he could call at 9 (sans kids) my time in the west. This is miles from his trips last year when he would purposely leave a SINGLE message on the message at a time when he knew I ABSOLUTELY WOULDN'T BE THERE. "I'm fine, don't try to reach me...see ya later". <P>I believe that there are ways to inject quality time into time away from each other. UNINTERRUPTED TIME....WE BOTH FEE <P>One thing I found extremely useful and DC mentions it in her post......IS.... TV time to me is not exactly QT, but for him it REALLY matters that I BE with him, LAUGH WITH HIM, BE WITH HIM.....he's then really happy with me and is more affectionate than if we'd talked or gone out on a date. <P> I'm trying really hard to keep an eye on the big picture and not get mired in the smaller less significant issues.<P><BR>Keystone, I also like the weekly family dinner. We've gotten back into that habit and it feels really good. Shocker, I cook, we even add candles, wine and dim the lights. I'm now looking forward to that time. We also like to linger after the kids destroy the table and run away with their 200th wind of the day ! <P>oh yeah, it has also been a big boon to our marriage that BOTH OF US are now a bit spiritual. I used to attend services with the kids but we did it alone. Now...my husband actively asks, "when are family services (2x p/month)" and we go more often than not. <P>-Tina <BR>