...I married him 13 years ago, when I was mentally ill. I am not saying this for an excuse, it is the honest truth. I had severe clinical depression and anorexia..I really did not have the stability to make such an important decision. He wanted me. I was scared and alone, no money, no job, no hope. I grabbed him. I believed, as my mother had told me, that 'in time' I would 'fall in love with him.' I prayed for God's will concerning a child, and believe me, I couldn't have gone off of the birth control without prayer. After all, my body and mind had been sick since the age of 16...I was 27. I got pregnant. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was at death's door after the birth. I thought that it was end. I got viral encephalitis, (swelling of the brain), and landed in the hospital. I weighed a mere 90 lbs. (5'3). I recovered, thanks be to God, and continued on with my life, focusing on my baby. Not my marriage. It wasn't until my daughter was about 5 years old, that I realized I was NEVER in love with my husband.....<BR>If I am boring I will stop here.....there's much more.....

Danielle: It sounds as though you have had a rough way to go and that you latched onto a "lifeline", your husband, to save you. It sounds as though he may have had a hand in saving you. Am I correct? But, you say you are not in love with him. Do you love him at all? Can you CHOOSE to love him and put away the need to be "in love"? Can you be satisfied and happy with having love for him even though it isn't a buring passion? Or is this what is making you feel depressed?<P>What avenues have you explored to get help for these feelings, or lack thereof? Have you seen a counsellor? Are you looking to save your marriage or to move on? Is your husband in love with you?<P>I hope you will find the answers to the questions in your heart at MB forum. There are a lot of people here who will give you good advise and support. If nothing else, this is a good place to anonymously say what you think and feel without anyone knowing who you are. you can be completely honest with the people here and honest with yourself, and find out what it is you are looking for.<P>Are you in an affair or has your husband been in one?<P>Good luck and God bless.

Danielle,<P>Although this isn't your first post I want to welcome you at this one.<BR>Please remember your story will never bore us. We are here to help. <BR>I am so sorry that you have to be here but glad you found this site just the same. If you don't get a lot of responses right away don't feel bad the weekends are slow here.<BR>You will get alot of insight here. This site represents both betrayers and the betrayed.<BR>Betrayers who have been were you are and beyond will help you through your pain. You can get a sense of what your husband is feeling and going through from the betayed.<BR>I know the depression that comes a long with infidelity(although I only know it from my side of the fence). Please don't let your health deteriorate. It is easy to fall back on old habits when our lives are falling apart. I am not saying that you will do this, I just hope you will be careful. <BR>I have had to force myself to eat everyday. I lost 18 lbs.(not too much but I am oly 5' tall and started at 115 lbs). In some ways I think I may have been slipping into a type of anorexia. I have no control over my marriage or it's outcome but I could control what I ate. So please be aware of that and take care of yourself.<BR>It is a good thing that you told your husband. Everyone will tell you that honesty is the first step in recovery. <BR>Do you have to see your OM everyday? Do you work with him? How long was the affair? Have you read all of the info on this site? <BR>How an affair should end.<BR>Articles on infidelity. <BR>I cna't remember everything but I am sure others will direct you to the info that will be helpful.<BR>Again, welcome, I hope yopu will find the support and info you need here. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Welcome Danielle,<P>I too have battled with anorexia when I was 13 and then again since my H's affair. I haven't gone completely out of control this time. My lowest has been 104 and I am 5'5". <P>I have started antidepressants and therapy. I am up to about 114 and it is terrifying me. I am so afraid I will gain too much. <P>I too have realized I have battled with depression most of my life.<P>There were many times during our marriage (15 years now) that I questioned my love for my H, actually it was closer to questioning his love for me. Sometimes those two are very similar and interrelated.<P>We are hear to listen. This board is supposed to be a place to go and not feel judged, but understood. If I understand it correctly, you are the betrayer is that correct? I was betrayed. That does not put us at odds, it puts us at different points of view.<P>I too would like to know more about your situation. Does he know? Is he working with you toward recovery? That sort of thing.<P>Dr. Harley's books are highly recommended by me. All of them. I think we all started with His Needs Her Needs, or atleast it was one of the first for many of us.<P>Please keep posting if you want to and I will keep reading.