Oh, what the heck, I may as well rattle on...So, life was hectic. I was in severe depression. Suicide was attempted by the fifth time in my life....and though I had accepted Christ, I was beyond control of these horrible impulses. Somehow I hung in there, because of my daughter. There wasn't anything else that would have saved me from killing myself. I came from an abusive home as a child. My father was extremely cruel to me. Anyway, the day my husband found the 22 Ruger loaded and ready to go, pressed to my heart, he called for emergency help. I was taken to a reputable psychiatrist who put me on medication. WOW!!! For the very first time, I felt something, I had FEELINGS, I could DO things, I could get out of bed...I finally had a life. Sounds like paradise huh? WEll, yes, and no. The problem began when I did find out who I was and what I wanted. THe decisions I made as a sick person were entirely different than the well person. And suddenly, here I was, with a man I did not love romantically, with a location and financial situation which I never would have settled for...oooooohhhhh the pain. The sheer anguish for all I had missed. Over half of my life was wasted in torment and sickness. Now I was alive. BUt I did not know the man I had married. But, I played along as the happy homemaker, smiling, cooking, cleaning, raising baby. Oh, but did I ever hurt inside....WAS THIS ALL OF MY FAULT? DID GOD UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED HERE???? <BR> My story goes on...but I will need some encouragement from all of you

You've got me hooked - like a John Grisham novel. Tell me more.

I read in one of your earlier posts that you want to stay in your marriage. I know this sounds corny, but why don't you try 'dating' your husband. Tell him that you want to get to know him all over again - but this time REALLY get to know him. Get ready for your dates in seperate rooms or even have him 'come to the front door and pick you up. Ask your H out yourself so that you feel more in control (but not being a control freak or anything). Just a suggestion.

Danielle, I think that is a great idea from Studentwife about dating your H! I have done that with my H... and it really does work. Also, weekends are usually slow here at MB, so don't get discouraged if not many people respond yet. Also, there are MANY good friends leaving the forum. But there are still those of us here who want to hear your story and help if we can... hang in there... we are listening....

Danielle,<P>I've been spending the last 30 minutes trying to get your story and putting it in chronological order.<P>I agree with the others. You say he is still a friend, that is a great start. HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS is step one.<P>Explain to him that you need to get to know him. Tell him how much you feel you have changed and I'm sure he has changed over 13 years as well. You may find that he is a lot more interesting than you realize.<P>During our recovery, I had to constantly try to get my H to work on our friendship, not on getting me over his affair. He wanted to fix it all for me. That wasn't possible. I had to fix myself. When he concentrated on fixing the affair we didn't do well. He became discouraged and I wanted to run away from it. I would force myself to push any feelings of love I started wanting to feel for him to protect myself.<P>When we concentrate on our friendship, those emotions aren't nearly as alarming and I can allow myself to feel them.<P>You are probably feeling resentment toward him because as you said: <P>"Over half of my life was wasted in torment and sickness. Now I was alive. BUt I did not know the man I had married."<P>Concentrating on your marriage may make it harder to let go of that resentment, but concentrating on getting to know him now that you are the "healthy you" may possibly reveal emotions for him you never felt before.