I didn't know why or how I had ended up in the life I was in, but there I was. In a small, conservative town, everybody knew everybody, and me;, the city girl, who had been around the world and back. Scared, hurt, beaten down, but nonetheless, wise. I didn't have anyone to confide in. None of these people understood my illness, in fact, it was well hidden from my husband's family. I felt so ostracized. But, with the medicine, I was out of the black hole. I called it 'Hell.' Words could not describe the unbearable terror of real, dark, severe depression. But I was alive. I thanked God everyday. But what about this husband? I didn't love him like I should. I liked him. He was a friend, a roommate, a...buddy. How could I possibly keep this facade of the happy homemaker? We seldom had sex together, and when we did, I knew something was wrong. After all of the excuses he made, ("I had to much wine to drink, I had a bad day, my head hurts"), it was obvious he had impotence. Well, that sure didn't help matters. Not only was I not in love with him, but he couldn't make love to me if he wanted to. The resentment began to build. I got angrier and angrier. How dare him expect me to stay with him because it was the 'Christian' thing to do? I felt so trapped. He had no right, after all, I had been married under duress...he had convinced a mentally unstable woman to commit to him; that he would be the best thing for me. And, after all, "I loved him, didn't I?" Well, of course I said yes. I would have 'loved' anyone who was willing to rescue me from my own private hell...and so, I did. And now, I was ANGRY! I finally had a life, and I was stuck with someone I could NEVER LOVE. I wanted to relive the years I had lost to illness. I wanted a second chance. I DESERVED IT! But here I was. I continued to repress my true feelings. Months, years, went by. Eight years into the marriage, a severe tragedy hit us. A so called 'friend' borrowed $18.000.00 from us, and stop paying back. He scammed us. We were almost ready to sell the house and buy a trailer. My husband made the deal. With a legal note.....oh my gosh!!!! I WAS FURIOUS! NOW, not only was I with a man I did not love, but now I lost my only thread with him, MY SECURITY....