Hello, <BR>I am VERY new to this site and would like to apologize in advance to all if this topic has been beaten to death already. Normally, when I post to a forum, I try to research all available avenues first before posting, but, quite honestly, right now, I feel that time is not on my side and have only perused the postings here to find my answers. I have looked at the web site and even printed and read all the information regarding infidelity, but it seems that I have been going about things all wrong. My story is that two weeks ago, I found out that my wife had been having an affair with a man who I thought was my friend. I welcomed this man into my home over two years ago, through an introduction by my wife. She new him through her work, as he delivered there once a week. She felt that I needed friends and thought that since we had similiar interests, he and I would hit it off. Over time, he began sleeping at my house so as to let him avoid the cost of hotel rooms when he was in town. Although little things in the back of my mind said to me that "Hey something might be going on between them", I gave my wife the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to my own insecurities. Well, about two weeks ago, I discovered that he loved her and confronted her with a love letter that he had written to her. She at first denied any wrong doings and said that she could not help how he felt about her. I read the letter to her aloud and my children heard (ages 15, 13 and 10). My oldest confronted her mother and my wife admitted that they had in fact been having an affair. I felt that my whole world had ended at that moment. I screamed and cried and told her to call her boyfriend up and tell him to come and get her. That she was no longer welcome in our house. After a few hours of talking and fighting and crying, she asked if she could stay at our house until she could figure out what she was going to do. She said that she was very confused and did not know what she wanted. She said that she had told the OM about a month prior to my discovery that she just wanted to be friends, but she still invited him over to our house to spend the night on Christmas Eve and to share Christmas Day with the family. He continued to sleep at my house one day a week, and she continued to call him and talk for hours at a time. Well, anyway, I told her that she could sleep at our house, and that there were three conditions: 1) She would seek help for her problems (Physical problems and emotional) and that I would keep her on our insurance until we divorced, which would be after she got help and was on the road to recovery. 2) She would have to call him and tell him that she could not have any contact with him. 3) She would have to remove any item from my house that had been given to her by the OM. In doing these things, my therapist has told me that I am trying to control her. This has been a problem in our relationship, and I now see my problem and am seeking professional help for this and others , such as using words to hurt people around me, to win at all costs. In telling her that she could have no contact with the OM, I "made" her feel that I was trying to control her and keep her in a cage. This man still delivers to her work and she has seen him at her work since the discovery. We have been having good and bad days since, but it seems that after we have a pleasant day together, I get into a "funk" and then say something that upsets her. Two days ago, I was at work, talking to her on the phone, when call-waiting beeped. She took the other call and was on the other line for about a minute or two. When she came back on , she sounded "shaken up". She asked if there was anything that she could do to help me (It has seemed that when I am in a funk, she is having a good day, and vise-versa, and we have been able to pull each other out of our respective "funks"). I said, "Yes, tell me who was on the other line". She told me that it was the OM. I got very upset and said something to the effect of "I thought I told him never to call my house again". She told me that she was not responsible for his actions and that she had told him that same thing too. I got upset when she did not immediately tell me who had interupted our phone conversation (She normally clicks back over and says , "Sorry, that was 'so and so'", and we continue talking, but this time, she didn't). I asked her if she would have told me who called if I had not asked, and she said , yes, but you never give me the opportunity to do the right thing. She said, "I am doing everything I can to keep him from contacting me" and I said "Are you?" She hung up on me at that point and called him right back, I don't know what the conversation was between them, but she has said that now she feels bad for "destroying this man". Well, things got really bad at that point. I am really trying to cope with my problems of control, but after 36 years of using this "survival mechanism", I find it difficult to shut it off after only two weeks of even realizing I was doing it. My wife says that she is very confused and does not know what she wants. I want to make our marriage work, and after reading the articles on this web site, I think that Plan A is the way to go, but I am wondering if I have already done too much damage in the relationship to get her to even "accept deposits of love units" from me. Have I blown it? By my insistence that she not have any contact with the OM, I am worried that she resents me for it and will be completely closed to making an effort to repair our relationship. Does the idea of "no contact" have to originate from the betrayer? If so, what do I do? My therapist has told me that there has already been enough stress in our household and to not even try to make any descisions regarding living arrangements, or anything, but most days, she says that she wants to be somewhere alone away from everyone. She says that the only reason she is still here is that she does not want to leave the children, and that she is trying to take the advice of a professional (my therapist, whom she has talked to once, when she was in a "funk" and I persuaded her that she needed to talk to someone). I just don't know what to do anymore. I told her yesterday that I know logically that there may be contact between them, and that I will try to respect her privacy. That if she wants to talk about it, that I will be there and attempt to be non-judgemental. I am really down because it seems that I have made things so much worse in the ways I have gone about this. In reading the articles on this web site, I have had a great comfort just in the understanding of how affairs happen. I can see now, in retrospect how we were not fulfilling all of each others emotional needs. Anyway, if anyone is out there and has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. I am sorry for the length of this post, but I feel a little better just getting this down in writing.

Scanman,<P>I too have a similar situation ie: OP welcome in my home and LBing right out of the gate.<P>If you want your marriage try to undo what has been done w/out too much begging and bargining. Also get and read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley it has been most insight ful.<P>I would also suggest at least two counciling sessions w/Steve Harley. He is the expert on this.<P>Keep posting and committ zero LBs at all times. It is very difficult. But it works.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

It WAS a rough start, wasn't it? It's NEVER too late though. <P>Keep looking at yourself. Keep learning. Keep up that good Plan A (remember it's for improving YOU more than anything!!). Even though it may not seem any deposits are being made, underneath it all, it IS making a difference. But, like you said, it's been a lot of years. Don't expect her to believe the changes are real in a short period of time. And whenever you screw up, it'll send you back farther than you'd like to go. <P>Keep up the good work. Keep reading and learning. There's always hope.<P>Lori

scanman,<P>Welcome... you've done a lot of research so I won't give our notmal welcome wagon spiel... for true newbies...<P>Bill and Lori are right...<BR>It's not too late!<P>I didn't find this site until one monthafter my W moved out...<P>I was doing a very poor <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Bill's suggestion to contact MB directly for a few <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> is a good thing. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Keep working on that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. I had a post that was moved into the "Infidelity archive"... check it out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>Do post and ask questions... we'll help you!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

I would like to thank those who responded to my problem. Since my last post, my wife has told me that she is overcome by overwhelming feelings of sadness because she misses the OM. She was having a pretty good day today, until the subject of our own intimacy came up. We have been intimate three times since this situation came to light. I have told her that we are still husband and wife and that even though we are having problems, there is no reason why we should deny ourselves sexual pleasures. She said that she equates sex with love (meaning that she needs to be "In Love" in order to be intimate) and that before and during our intimacy, she feels good about it, but afterward, she feels that she has done something wrong. She won't even sleep in the same bed with me (I think I would rather her sleep in my bed than be intimate with me). Tonight, I told her that although I am not a deeply religious person, I thank God that this happened because it has awakened me from my "sleepwalking through our relationship". I now see what I could not see. She sees absolutely no future for us to have anything other than a friendship. She is deeply resentful of my prior "rule setting" regarding her contacting the OM and removing everything that he has ever given her from my home. I told her that I see now that she resents that and that we should make our own rules together. She said that there was no reason to do that as there is nothing to do but to wait for "something to happen". I then suggested to her that if she wanted to see or call the OM that she should, and if she wanted to have him over to our home, just to have the good taste to let me know so that I could be away from home (as I have absolutely no desire to talk to him. I really do, but I don't think that our conversation would be a very positive experience for anyone concerned). She feels that I have "destroyed her life" and said, "Can't you just be happy that you had two good days in a row?" "Can't you just give it a rest?" I really felt good about my positive attitude, but we are now "walking on eggshells". Sometimes I get so despondent inside myself that I think "This would be so much easier if I just left" Minutes seem like years at this point. Any advice? I apologize for the length of this post. It seems that when I start, I just don't know when to stop.

Please read the book, Surviving An Affair, by Harley. Plan A makes an exception in that you are not to condone the affair. In his book, His Needs, Her Needs hesays to not put up with the affair for a second. (I still haven't completely reconciled the two yet, but know aiding and abetting the affair such as letting the man come openly to the home is NOT part of plan A.) I'm a few months further along than you and am calmer at looking at this stuff. The first few weeks is truly a horrible time. I don't know how I managed to maintain my job although I put my second one on hold as all my energy seemed consumed with facing the mess. <P>Please don't stop posting, we and this board are here for you but your post concerned me that the kids were so exposed over the letter. It's a delimma. You want to be a good role model and not teach them that betrayal of vows are OK but they don't need to hear the worst of your feelings to their mother. Their own sense of well being and self esteem is caught up in how good they can feel about their parents, both of you. Up front I'll tell you I don't have any myself but I've been a child custody consultant for years. Watch out for their feelings in talking to them as you sort out ways to do so with other parents in similar situations. This board would be a good place to find those other parents. <P>Good luck. Please don't let that man come freely to your home.<P>Melissa <P><p>[This message has been edited by Callie (edited January 17, 2000).]