Right now, I'm so mad I'm shaking. I have just come home and just about screamed my head off in rage. <P>The euphoria from my H's giving me a beautiful diamond wedding band did not last very long. Especially since he made it plain that he was not at all interested in renewing our vows. His response to a friend who said, "Y'all need to sanctify that ring or something" was "That ring is as sanctified as it's gonna get." I heard this; it stung, <B>big time!</B>. I was tempted to retort, "He doesn't want to make any more promises he can't keep." However, I said nothing and continued Plan A since I'm not interested in renewing our vows until I'm sure he's telling me the whole truth.<P>He is spending the weekend at his deer camp out in the country. I just learned that, last night, he was seen about 15 miles away in a beer joint and "feeling no pain." My H has diabetes--blood sugar up to 293 just before Christmas so he had to stop drinking again. I have not been on him about his drinking, other than to say, after learning of his blood sugar level, "No more drinking, hon."<P> I don't know if he was doing anything inappropriate with another woman or not, but getting drunk at a beer joint is how he hooked up with STD Tramp.<P> At any rate, since I have started going out to the local pub, it seems that he has decided to shift to another location when he's not with me.<P> I have been Plan A-ing my heart out. I feel like the ring at Christmas was just a bone he threw to his "dog". <B>As far as I KNOW</B>, he has not been to the Cafe Woman's restaurant when she was there. However, I'm also not stupid enough to believe that this means he can't be in contact with her. Cafe Woman's BF seems to be gone again.<P>So, the only concessions he's made to my insecurity or pain is to go to <B>one</B> counseling session, stop having lunch at the restaurant, boink me a couple of times a week, be reasonably polite to me, and to buy me a new wedding band, which does not mean that he's recommitted himself to me. <P>He's getting everything he wants, plus I haven't been checking up on him. I feel like he's eating his cake and having it, too.<BR>In short, he sees no need to do anything. I'm busting my butt for him, and that's the way he likes it.<P>Yes, my taker has been giving me trouble for quite a long while. I have been trying to do Plan A for nearly two years now, and I started this before I suspected another woman (again). I started trying to be a better and more loving wife to him because <B>I</B> was so miserable in our marriage. Yes, I was just as miserable in our marriage as he could ever have been, but I tried to work on our marriage--to correct my own behavior. He, on the other hand, chose to screw some whore, and then has the nerve to treat me like crap.<P>So, right now, I think I have just about had it. I want the whole truth, and I want it <B>NOW</B>. The drinking is gonna have to stop. I will <B>not</B> stay with a man who is risking his life by his own choice. I have decided that my H is an alcoholic, and <B>he</B> is going to have to do something about it if he wants to keep me around.<P>He is supposed to stay at the deer camp until tomorrow. As bad as I want to go down there and have it out with him, I don't think I will. I will, however, take a ride by the beer joint tonight. I'm supposed to babysit my grandson, but if H is at the beer joint, I'll take my grandson over to my sister-in-law's (which is nearby) and head back to the beer joint. I will conduct myself like a lady, but there will be some things settled, one way or another.<P>If he's not at the beer joint, I will wait until he comes home tomorrow and see if he tells me the truth. I will use some of the techniques in "Never Be Lied To Again". If he lies to me, he will have to leave. If he goes to the OW, then so be it. I'm not even sure I want him anymore. I feel like I'm living here all by myself anyway, most of the time.<P>Well, any advice??<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited January 15, 2000).]

Sweetpea,<P>The questions I have for you are these:<P>You list a whole lot of positives in your message below, so there HAS been a lot of progress between you and your H. Do you think that this is IT? There will be no more progress? Why not? Is it possible that he might be having a little slipup here, but it isn't a death-knell signal? I know afte how hard you have worked fo rthese past 2 years, a slipup would seem like death...but, is it something you could get over - just another big, bad hump? <P>I would think in recovery you could expect some plateaus. Is this just a plateau right now that he deosn't want to sanctify your band? Maybe he just needs more time to feel comfortable with all this. He is probably stressed, too. Does NOT give him the right to cheat on you, and I know you arte nervous about the drinking-bar thing because that ws how he got in trouble before, but you don't have any PROOF he is cheating again.<P>Maybe you should consider doing some checking up on him first before confronting him. I would hate to think he is innocent and you and he end up having a big blow out and destroy alot of progress that has been made.<P>Of everything you listed in your message - I am getting none of that. i don't think you realize how much progress the two of you have mad. Still have some to go for sure, but nonetheless, a lot of progress has been made!<P>Go by the bar tonight and see what you can find out...<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I haven't posted much lately because I have felt so lousy about our relationship and thought that if I didn't verbalize my negative feelings, maybe I would get over them.<P>No, I don't know if he's cheating again. However, he wants our marriage to go on the way it was...with <B>no</B> discussion of feelings or doing anything to help me feel better. He does not want to tell me the whole truth; he does not want to turn off the damned TV to spend time with me (can't cuddle while we watch TV together because he only sits in his recliner, which I'm tempted to throw into a ditch); he does not want to go on "dates" with me, although I've asked him (we might go out to eat if we've been somewhere on business); he does not want to renew our vows, even though he [bknows[/b] that I no longer feel like we're married; he does not want to make himself accountable in any way, even though I have asked for minimal accountability. Not going to bars without me is one thing I've asked of him; letting me know when he's going to be late is another. Never mind that he could be just about anywhere at any given time of the day and I don't ask him to check in with me during the workday, even though I'm sure that is when he was seeing Cafe Woman (who is also self-employed and only works at her restaurant during the lunch hours). I even told him that I wouldn't raise he!! at him if he wanted to go to Cafe Woman's restaurant when she was there.<P>I am supposed to <B>NEVER</B> mention how I feel about his cheating again, and I haven't.<P>I don't want a husband who has simply stopped screwing around (and how can I possible believe that he has stopped????). I want a husband who <B>wants</B> me and is willing to do whatever it takes to <B>help</B> me rebuild our marriage. I cannot do it all alone at this point. Right now, I feel like he is just here because I'm an obligation. I haven't really felt loved in such a very long time--<B>THIRTEEN YEARS!!!!</B><P>I simply can no longer take this walking on eggshell dance I've been doing for so long.<BR>My taker is out in full force. He can **** or get off the pot. He will not do a darned thing as long as <B>he's</B> getting what he wants.<P>My love bank is depleting faster than the few deposits he's made. The remark about the wedding ring being as sanctified as it was gonna get withdrew the depost he made when he gave it to me. Yes, it's a beautiful ring...heck, I picked it out and told him what I wanted. But, you know what, if he had decided <B>on his own</B> to get me a new ring, I'd have been happy with a plain gold band and a sincere recommittment.<P>No, if he decides that he wants me, he is going to have to win me back. I don't need this crap in my life anymore. I can do just as well without him as I can with him and the way things are now.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited January 15, 2000).]

Gosh, Sweetpea, I've never seen you in such a rage before! I don't know about advice but I would definately be talking with a counsellor right now about your suspicions that he's gone off the wagon and has this high sugar level. I've been reading this book about Anger, Dancing with Anger, and it had a very simular sit in it. The wife was furious because the husband was not taking care of himself properly. As long as she continued to mother him he would continue act up. Until she put the "I" back into her sentances. I think it was something like, I can't stand to see you not take care of yourself like you should, it makes me feel that you don't value "our" relationship because your too caught up in not taking care of yourself. <BR>I would out and out tell him how you feel but you've been putting your emotions away for awhile on some aspects of this and it could all come out in one big garbage heap. Maybe if you wrote it all out and revised it and then sent it to him. He needs to know what you've heard, what bothers you, and what YOUR needs are too. Plan A works I think, as long as somehow your needs get met too. I am praying for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I'm just really tired of all this. After 13 years of lies, I finally get a little bit of the truth, and I'm not supposed to say anything about anything he does.<P>Plan A basically has my H thinking that he can do any damned thing he pleases because his wife loves him so much she is busting her butt to make him happy.<P>He thinks he's got it made.<P>He's fixing to find out that he has messed his nest.

Sweetpea ... Just step back and take a deep breath. I'm not gonna say you shouldn't be angry - I'm not even gonna talk about staying in Plan anything. But don't act while you are angry, is all.<P>Give yourself a while to calm down, try not to keep yourself in a rage (I think we are all sometimes very good at that) and then think as dispassionately as possible about the entire picture. Then, plan what you will do and or say.<P>Actions in anger are often later regretted and I hate to see you say or do something you wish you could take back. 'Kay?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Don't worry, Terri, by the time I see H, I will be as cold as ice. I will be calm and firm. That's one thing he has never been able to handle.

Sweetpea<BR>Been wondering where you were. Sorry things took this turn. I think Desiree has a point about the plateaus we have in recovery.<BR>My goodness if you had been watching me the last month you would see more than plateaus. <BR>I know I say this too much but now is the time to do something special for yourself.<BR>If you really gotta get that anger out you can come over to my place and yell at some car salesmen. I did that last week and boy do I feel better.<BR>Sweetpea, you are frustrated and that's OK. Just treat yourself nice andpamper a little. see if that helps and go from there.<BR>Don't disappear without warning again either. Some of us worry.