My husband revealed a month ago that he was having an affair with a woman who lives in a nearby city for over 6 months. They see each other when she comes to town for a "work-related" visit. Just before Christmas, he said that he would stop the affair. Well, a few days after Christmas she called him to say that she was expecting his child. He seems to be confused and possibly contemplating leaving me and possibly marrying her. He says that he wants to do the right thing for the baby (neither of us believe in abortion). I told him it was a trap to get him away from me. But my husband is so "addicted" to her that he can not see that. Regardless, he seems confused and has been running to her side (out of town) for her first doctor's visit and continuing to talk to her. I wish it would stop! I explained to him that I want to save our marriage and that his only responsibility to her is financial support should she have this child. He is just as most cheating spouses are described as---addicted. He says he was first attracted to her because she met his need to communicate well with him. This I do not understand because I initiated all of our conversating. He would not talk to me most of the time years before the affair started. Our phone bill indicated that he talked to her several times a day as early as 8:00 and as late as midnight for as long as 55 mins on each call. He was truely addicted. My husband is a successful business man who is attractive to many women. I love him unconditionally and was there before he became successful. By the way, we have been married 12 years with two children. I want to save my marriage!!! HELP!! I need to open his eyes and get him un-addicted to her. But how can the contact that eliminates addiction stop now due to this pregnancy or after the baby comes?<P>------------------<BR>

Welcome <B>AGB</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I sorry you're here under such difficult conditions... You are not alone with this... there are a few other here who are dealing with the Other Child(OC) issue...<P>First... my normal welcome wagon message...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Hard as it may seem... you need to go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... immediately! Yes it's hard... but if you set your goal on saving your marriage... this is your best chance.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>BTW: weekends are very <B>S L O W</B> here... be patient...<P>When posting... try to specify a clear topic "OC", "Plan ?", etc...<BR>and try and target your audience... "betrayer", "betrayed", etc.<P>One of the hardest things to do is <B>not</B> educate your H... the temptation will be great.<P>Counseling is something to seriously consider... If your H won't go... start on your own...<P>If you are starting to get depressed... consider getting in on some medication...<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Wow - I totally understand where you are coming from. I do. My husband of 8 years confessed that he was in love with a supposed of friend of ours. We have 2 little ones (ages 2 and 5). I begged and pleaded, I seduced and bribed. We went away on a vacation without the kids, etc. Nothing convinced him that our marriage was worth saving. All he saw were tears from me. That isn't going to win a man back - I know that now. Then I became pregnant - from our little vacation - with my tubes tied and all - and I lost the baby (last week). He wasn't here for me. He walked out on us a week before Christmas, yet plays us like a piano and is over here frequently.<P>First off - way easier said than done because I am still trying to do it - is stop the crying, the begging and the pleading. Dr. Dobson said in one of his books that you didn't beg, plead and cry to get him to marry you, you aren't going to get him to stay with you doing that either. You have to appear confident about yourself and spend time with you and your kids. Stop thinking of him. You have to appear like you did when he first fell in love with you - and make him want to stay with you. <P>Now that a baby is in the picture, I know it has to be rough. There are a couple books out there that I know have been helping me. Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough and Dr. Harley's HIs Needs/Her Needs. I have also heard that his After An Affair is good and that Solo Partners (unsure of author) is good too. Will he see a counselor? He sounds confused, which is totally understandable. <P>My husband is also addicted to the OW - my phone bills (even though she lives but 20 miles from here) are $600.00 a month and if he isn't on the phone, he is on the computer with her. He is buying her gifts (never bought me gifts) and is living with her in her parents house (she is also married). The addiction will wear off - it will get tiring for them. I am still waiting here, too, though.<P><BR>Kirsty<p>[This message has been edited by KristyE (edited January 15, 2000).]

Welcome to the MB forum. You will find a great deal of support, good advise and care here. You'll read about members whose lives have changed dramatically over the months while on the forum. You will share in the joys of promise and success and cry with us when things aren't so great. But the best thing about the forum is that you found it precisely when you needed it and that was your God leading you here to learn and heal.<P>Read our stories and see if there is anything you can find to apply to your own situation. Ask questions, vent your rage, celebrate your victories, pray with us. We are here for you and hope you'll get as much out of the forum as most of us have. We will get much from you.<P>I am in the same situation as you are. My H had a very short three weekend fling with a woman who produced a child in August. We are now being sued for support and have to travel 1200 miles to appear in court on Feb 17.<P>We have been back together one year and went through his withdrawal rfom the fling through May. Since June we have been very successful at rebuilding our marriage in spite of the horrendous complications, the deep sadness and the overall pain. My H is also battling alcoholism and we are dangerously close to loosing our business because of reckless behavior last year. But, we will survive somehow.<P>During the two months he was in contact with the OW, he would stay on the phone with her every day for three hours. He flew out to see her three times. He sent her flowers four times. He gave her thousands of dollars. And now she has his baby.<P>There are several on the forum who are in the same predicament as we are. Daycare Disaster, Jenny, used2bcozy, Audrey, and several others. Please post another story with "OW pregnant" somewhere in the topic to alert those of us in the same situation so they can post back to you and give you the suppport you need to get through this.<P>The most devastating thing that can happen to a person is to find out that their spouse is having an affair and having sex outside their marriage. The loss of sexual exclusivity is heartwrenching. The only thing that is more devastating than that is when the spouse has a child with someone else. We understand your pain, confusion and anger. We also probably know your hopes and dreams if they are anything like ours.<P>Welcome again and let us know how we can help.<P>------------------<BR>catnip<P><BR>

agb, i'm sorry for your ordeal. i can understand and relate to how you are feeling very much considering this same thing has happened to me. last year my H had an affair with a nightmare of an OW. the second he tried to end the affair with her, she pulled the line..."i am pregnant". my H, being addicted, or stupid...i'm not sure which one, never asked for proof, or anything. he also never told me and on new years '99, she gave me a lovely phone call filling me in. he told me his reason for not telling me was that he didn't know how. anyway, as it turns out.. she never gave anyone any proof of the pregnancy, which i immediately thought was a lie to keep him close to her and pry him from me...at the "3 month mark" she allegedly lost the baby. i still to this day do not believe there was ever a pregnancy, and my H said.."yeah she probably did lie" (that is about all he will say, he is very vague.) my advise to you, immediately GET PROOF. if in fact your H is the father, he is entitled to know it BEFORE anything. make her get a statement from her DR. otherwise you'll never know.<BR>good luck.

You share something with your h that OW doesn't. TRUE LOVE. She can't beat that even if this child is his. I believe that true love never ends. All he owes to her is financial support ,and to the child he owes a father image. I am on the other side, a betrayer, but I empathize with your story and I pray for total reconciliation in your marriage. God knows your pain. Allow him to be your strength when you feel weak. Only He can comfort you like no one else can. I believe this site is a blessing. Please do come again...<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Tracing, Thanks for the reply. Well he supposedly does have proof. As I stated he went with her to her first doctor's appt. and he told me "there is a baby". My question is is it my H's baby or not. Of course I wish it would be. He said that he will have a paternity test once it arrives. Personally, I think he's happy because he is still in the addictive stage. Come what may, his baby or not, I just want him completely home with us and no longer seeing or desiring her. The child support would be no issue. I am starting my Plan A this week. Wish me luck!!!!!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jamie-lee:<BR><B>You share something with your h that OW doesn't. TRUE LOVE. She can't beat that even if this child is his. I believe that true love never ends. All he owes to her is financial support ,and to the child he owes a father image. I am on the other side, a betrayer, but I empathize with your story and I pray for total reconciliation in your marriage. God knows your pain. Allow him to be your strength when you feel weak. Only He can comfort you like no one else can. I believe this site is a blessing. Please do come again...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>thanks Jamie-Lee and all<BR>I am so glad I found this forum and just today. My ordeal is fresh. It seems like it will take some months to endure. I do pray not long. I had NO ONE to talk to. I am too embarassed to share with friends (they all thought my H was perfect). I wish not to let my family know; especially my mom (she thinks my H hung the moon). We all know that spouses can forgive and forget but family members hold on to things that hurt their loved ones. Please pray for me....strenght, knowledge, and direction. I have cried too much. This is too difficult. I have been saved for over 16 years but I have not read, meditated, and prayed as much in my entire life as I have the past couple of days. Again, Thanks and my prayers for EVERYONE will go up too. <BR>

AGB,<P>In Jim's welcome letter there is a plan-a link and a lovebuster link. Learn and live these they will bw invaluable in the days to come.<P>Does H have willingness to reconcile?<P>Right now that is the number one question. The answer to that will determine which path you take.<P>Do you have the books <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley? These two books hold the solution to our dilema.<P>I am by no means an expert, I do have a pretty clear understanding of how to apply these principles.<P>Hang in there.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

AGB,<P>In Jim's welcome letter there is a plan-a link and a lovebuster link. Learn and live these they will bw invaluable in the days to come.<P>Does H have willingness to reconcile?<P>Right now that is the number one question. The answer to that will determine which path you take.<P>Do you have the books <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley? These two books hold the solution to our dilema.<P>I am by no means an expert, I do have a pretty clear understanding of how to apply these principles.<P>Hang in there.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

AGB,<BR>i'll be thinking of you and pulling for you. even though your H does say that there is a baby, you should be included in anything that he finds out. meaning you should see something hard copy. it is possible for you to get through this. harley has an article on the website about this topic..i'm not sure of the exact title, but it's like, what to do when a lover becomes pregnant.<BR>keep your chin up and wits about you. i know you love your husband, and i don't doubt that he loves you to but seems just too confused here to do what actually needs to be done. he DOES NOT need to attend her DR appts, she can inform him of what is going on in writing. no phone calls..ect. that should be a factor. otherwise it is hard to establish a no contact situation where you can feel comfortable in working on your marriage without her hanging in the wings.<BR>i'm not so sure how good my advise is, but i know it will help to keep your sanity through this situation.<BR>good luck and god bless,<BR>i'm pulling for you, as i'm sure everyone here is.<BR>-tracing

AGB,<BR>I'm so sorry you're here. My H also fathered a child by the XOW, but we are nearly a year and half into recovery and doing great. I think your main problem is not the pregancy, but your H's continuing addiction to the affair. I did not have to deal with that problem(H had no emotional attachment) and think there are wiser helpers on this board than I re: the addiction aspect. If you have questions re: OC, I'd be happy to share.<BR>My sympathies,<BR>Jenny