ok here is a third draft....how is it...<P>faith hope love.....i used what you said..almost word for word...thanks i think it helped....<P>i talked to him tonight and it did not go so well...he said that there will never be another chance for us.....I did find out some stuff though....basically little stuff(ie.house cleaning,money) has festered and festered untill he left....he said he said something to me but for the life of me i cant remember...... I told him I am not the same little girl he married. i then said that he once said everyone deserves a second chance and asked whay he wouldent give me a second chance.....I got no real answer...<P>amanda <BR>*********************************************<BR>Fweety,<P>I was talking to your Aunt Lori last night and she made me stop and think a little. In the past I have told you what you should do. What I wanted you to do. I know you know what the right thing to do is but, I have never told you what we (the boys & my self) need you to do so here it is.<P>1. All children deserve to know what it is like to live with a mommy and daddy and I think ours do more than any! I think we can agree that our children are our top priority and they deserve any effort on our part to make our family whole again. We have wasted a lot time lately fighting and being upset and arguing. I will put my energy from this day forward into recovery and rebuilding instead of fighting and arguing. I now see my part in the desention of our marriage and I would like to spend time getting to know each other again.<BR>2. Our vows were sincere on our wedding day. I have not done everything within my power to uphold them. I am willing to join with you in honoring them today and forever.<BR>3. I know family is VERY important to you, that is why I am asking you to give ours a chance. The boys and I need you in our life on a daily basis, not once or twice a month. We love you and we miss you very much. Not a day goes by that I am not sorry for the mistakes we have made and would like us to make it up to our family. <P>I was flipping through the channels last night and I found a show about marriages now. It said that 95% of arranged marriages work, why? I thought. Well then it hit me, they do not go into a marriage ‘in love," but they grow to love each other. Well as you and I know most people do not do it that way and people normally marry when they are ‘in love" and when the feeling seems to drift they call it quits. I think that if most people would do something to rekindle the "in love" feelings there would be less divorce in the world. It is hard to stay married but it is well worth the effort.<P>Marriage is much like a job...and although sometimes when it seems quitting would end our dissatisfaction, working people realize that quitting would bring on a different and bigger set of problems, so they just work through the bad time and look forward to the good times. You know that more than anyone, because you cant just quit your job and we need for the two of us not to just quit our family.<P>You know I love you with every fiber of my being. I am offering you a clean slate, for us to go and talk to someone and lay all the cards out on the table. To see what we have to work with and go from there. I have said this before. Audra is not the main problem. She is more of a symptom to the other problems. I think all the problems that we have are normal in any marriage but we have not handled them, I think we figured that they would just go away. That was a mistake on both our parts, but a mistake that we can fix.<P>Eric, lets be honest. We have not lived together as a couple for any long period of time. I have my problems just as you have yours and they all take getting use to. I know it didn’t help that every time you would leave I would go and live with my mom and dad again. Eric I was scared, scared I would fail. This last time of living at my mom and dads was a wake-up call for me. I don’t want to live like them, I don’t like the way they live and I know you don’t either.<P>When we first were in San Diego that was my first time living away from home. You had that time when you were in Chicago to adjust somewhat to being on your own. Then Shane came into the picture, not only was I a wife but I was also a mother. I made a lot of mistakes and I did not hear you when you would ask me to do something. I am so sorry for that, if I could change it I would but I can’t. Our second stay in San Diego, I think was better. I was more confident about my self and sure in the things I was doing but then I went home again. I don’t want to be the person I use to be. That person was not that fun and lets be honest a slob, but that is how I was raised and it takes time for everyone to get into their own place and the way they do things.<P>I can see the changes I have made and I think you can to if you would stop long enough to look at me. Not the me everyone sees but the me only you know. You said that you can’t remember being in love with me, that hurts but I can understand how that can happen. That does not mean that we can’t find that love again. Counseling has worked for several people that we know and I think it could work for us. I am willing to do anything and try anything in order to make it through this.<P>You fell "in love" with me once and I think you can again. We (all four of us) are worth the effort it will take to make our family whole again.<P>A long time ago I gave you a second chance and I do not regret doing it. You have made me happy, no happier than I have ever been. Now I am asking you for a second chance and the chance to make you happy again. I think with the changes we both have made and we will make, we could be happier than we ever have been, our relationship and marriage could and I think will get better.<P>I love you<BR>Always & Forever<BR>Amanda<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

Amanda,<P>This sounds like a good letter. I found only one thing that may be construed as a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think ours do more than any!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IMHO This might in his mind have the implication that he doesn't believe this. If you think he believes this he won't need to be educated.<P>Granted I'm not K and I'm still learneg, however I feel like I'm getting the hang of understanding disrespectful judgements. They are the trickiest yet simplest to understand.<P>I hope I helped. This is a good letter it expresses your feelings w/out begging and barganing. That shows strenght and resolve.<P><BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

thanks...I will consider that....<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

Amanda,<P>Definitely better...<BR>There will always be a little "education of spouses"('in love' stuff)... in any letter... your's keeps it to a relative minimum...<P>If you "have" to send this letter do so...<BR>It is honest... and for the most part devoid of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>! Good!<P>You know there is still work ahead... for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Our encouragement... as always! <P>Prayers of better times... and talks. <P>Jim

Sounds good to me. WIll this be the last letter or the last time you tell him what you want? Someone told me that,telling themm over and over can be pressuring and increase his distance from you. I would only suggest that this be you last rebuttal(for a lack of words). Then just keep on Plan Aing him as much as possible. It seemed as if everytime I did see my H (which wasn't very often) I would talk about getting back together instead of just enjoying hearing his voice or his company. I would say let things be and show him in actions more so than words that you want the marriage to work. Send the letter by all means, but my opinion is that it should be the last one for the time being unless its necessary to go on to Plan B. Like I told AGB, I believe true love never ends, so its only a matter of time..... Your in my prayers!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Amanda,<P>I hope I didn't sound to critical.<P>I agree w/Jim send this I should have stated that.<P>Sorry,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

thanks everyone...<P>jamie-lee....<BR>yes i think this will be the last letter for a while........I think he is getting tired of hearing from me and to be honest i am getting tired of fighting.....i am going to focus on me and our kids and show him I have changed...I have heard this saying three time this week...I think I will use it...You catch more bees with honey than witn vineiger....I will TRY to be as sweet as honey!!!!<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

bill you did not sound critical......i think I will print it up and send it out monday....then give it a rest and eal with little ole me!!!!<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

Great. What you replied to Jamie-Lee is what I'm doing.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

bill...<BR>good for you...I just found the info for our local police department and i think i am going to try to be a cop.....it is something i have always been interested in and afraid to say it and to try......I am going to dtop running and go after what i want...in a different order....me then him!!!<P><BR>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

Amanda,<P> GO FOR IT <P>I love being a cop, been doing it for almost two years now. So many times the spouse that is not in the military put their life on hold. DO something for you. It makes me feel a little more confident and I can easily say that my love for him exceeds my need for him.<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Read it really fast...on the way out the door. It looked good, will take a second look later. Glad to help. You really picked up a few hints and ran with them.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Amanda,<P>while I understand YOUR OWN need to write that letter, IMHO it is NOT a good idea to actually send this to your H. It will NOT help your cause at all. I know you truly believe that this will "help" your H to "understand" what is in your heart. But, is comes across with an enormous amount of guilt attached, and it is ALL about what you and the children need. <P>It is going to push him even further away from you. You are trying to remind him of all his commitments and obligations...and to induce him to feel guilty enough to return.<P>In the very first paragraph, you state that "in the past, I have told you what you should do. WHAT I WANTED YOU TO DO. I know you know what the right thing to do is, but I have never told you what we need you to do".<P>Then you proceed to spend the whole letter once again, "telling" him what you want him to do. There is absolutely NO difference between telling him what you "want" him to do, and you "need" him to do. Because in your case, they are the SAME thing.<P>You cannot force someone to feel what they don't feel. Your H has to come to these decisions on his own. They have to be commitments and obligations, that HE chooses to honor because he is an honorable man.<P> You telling him what your values are, and what is important to YOU, is NOT going to induce change in him. Change is an internal process, and one that is totally self-motivated. Until your H is ready willing, able and most importantly...desirous to change...it will not happen.<P>I honestly think that your letter will push him even further away. But, in the end, it is your decision alone to make, and I wish you the best.<P>~Skye<p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited January 16, 2000).]

Skye makes a good point and I glossed right over that first paragraph.<P>You really can't change telling him what he should do to what he needs to do. It's going to feel the same to him. So drop that sentence minimally.<P>You may need to give him that letter to help you feel like you are doing all you can. In that case, I don't think it will hurt.<P>However, consider your H's personality. Does he like to read? Is he verbal? Do thoughts open his mind or bounce off his mind.<P>My thought after I thought about it later this morning is that it is very long. And it contains many ideas.<P>It may have more of an impact if you pare it down to a few simple points.<P>How about,<P>I have been searching my heart and I know in the past I have been guilty of telling you what you should do. I am sorry.<P>I know you told me there is no chance. I have also heard that everyone deserves a second chance, so I am hoping your will take some time to reconsider. I know you may not feel or even remember love for me. I believe we can build a good marriage and raise our kids together with love and respect. <P>I can not guaratee the outcome, but I can make you these promises.<P>*I will look at our marriage as a clean slate.<P>*I will work with you to figure out how best to go about healing our marriage.<P>*I will make the changes necessary to fill the needs that I have not been meeting in our marriage.<P>*I will not give up or run away.<P>We all love you and miss you. We would like to have you with us everyday. <P>Love,<P><BR>How about something like this in your own words. If he is receptive there will be plenty of time to talk about your history.<P>Still, if this is something you feel you need to do, then do it. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

thanks all...I will consider what you all have said......<P><BR>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

Do you have gooey? If not check out samantha's post: goeey, roll call. You can chat right here instead of having to awitch to talk city<BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com