Long story short - husband left a week before Christmas and is living with OW and her parents house (she is married also). They were having an online EA, although she was a rl friend of ours in the past and we saw her once a year. She is not attractive, nor is she my Hs type whatsover. But they both complained about their marriage to oneanother and clicked, I guess. We have 2 small children (ages 2 and 5) who are not taking this well at all. He comes and goes as he pleases and I have tried to stop that. He knows how to get to me, by saying stuff like he is taking the OW to the movies or talking about the huge house that he is residing in at the moment. He is already using the kids by putting them in the middle, when I tell him he cannot waltz in and out. When he leaves, I have to pick up their emotions off the ground each time, thus leaving me an emotional wreck everyday. IT is a real mess.<P>Sometimes I see regret in his eyes for what he is doing and he still hugs and kisses me. He tells me he still wants to do family stuff together and that he does not want a divorce. In other words - he wants his cake and eat it to. I am very frustrated. I have pleaded, cried, seduced, etc. I resorted to ignoring him and acting confident, which drove him nuts and I thought closer to me, but then I did a backslide and asked him to come home. That day was a nightmare. I found this seminar for marriages in crisis - what to expect from a divorce - and asked if he would go with me. He said he would think about it. <P>Some days he is so angry at me and he finally confessed that it was due to the guilt that he is having over this. He told me that he knew he was ruining everyones lives up and felt horrible. So why doesn't he stop it?<P>I told him today that if he wanted freedom, I would file for divorce. She just stared at me like he never suspected that. I also told him that was not what I wanted and he knew what I wanted - for him to come home and work on our marriage. He just looked at me again. I asked him what he thought we shold do with with the kids (5 year old is a basket case) and he told me to wait 2 weeks and see how she is doing. Not sure why 2 weeks. <P>Please - I don't want to lose him and I want to deposit as much as I can in his bank. How do I do this. I read plan A and plan B, but my head is spinning that nothing makes much sense to me anymore.<P>Thanks,<BR>Kristy

Welcome <B>Kristy</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Don't file for divorce if you don't want it!!!<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you really want to have the best chance... you really need to continue <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! No matter how hard it may seem!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>If your head is truly spinning and you need the advice of a <B>real</B> expert... I would recommend that you (preferrably with your H... if not alone) have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Until you get through... <BR>read... get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>... and post!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Kristy,<P>Definatly plan-a. He needs to feel "safe" around you. Keep lovebusters to nil. It is so hard to determine what to d. All I know is what I'm doing.<P>Zero LBs meet as many ENs as I can and wait for W to make a decission.<P>In the meantime I have to get on w/my life. I come here daily, post and reply. I have become a student of the MB principles. I have seen them work.<P>The catch seems to be that it has to be done almost flawlessly. [b[VERY[/b] hard.<P>I wish I had more to say now. I'm sure I will later.<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>