Been there done that the 1st time around. Anyone out there got any advice when it happens for the second time? I'm really struggling this time, because I want to call it quits. Any Advice is welcome.<P>------------------<BR>TwiceStupid

Welcome <B>KmyinVA</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Obviously... a little more information would be nice... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Why twice? I don't know...<BR>But we'll give advice if you'd like to know! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

KmyinVA,<P>Hi and as Jim said welcome to MB, we are sorry for the pain that brought you here, but glad you found this place.<P>I am a w whose h cheated more than once. It's not easy.<P>First, ask yourself why you married him to begin with. Think about the feelings you had for each other at the start of your marriage.<P>I know that when you have forgiven them and stayed married through one infidelity it seems to hurt twice as bad that they would do that to you again, knowing the pain you went through the first time.<P>You are the only person who knows how much you can or will take.<P>I have several questions tho.<P>How long have you been married ?<P>Do you have children ?<P>What does he say he wants you to do ?<P>Does he realize it may well take years for you to be able to trust him at all now ?<P>Is he willing to seek counseling with you ?<P>This is a tough thing to deal with, but now is the time to really think, not to just react.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hello again-<BR>I've been married for 17 years (msot of it a very difficult relationship). The 1st betrayal took place 10 years ago when our son was 3 years old. I was already in the middle of counseling for myself at the time because my H refused to go with me. After discovering the infidelity, my H insisted he wanted to have a happy marriage more than anything. But, instead of getting any cousnseling, things were left unsettled as to what drove him there in the 1st place. There have been several other issues that have created great difficulty in our relationship. There is a lot of anger and rage at times, coupled with verbal and emotional abuse. A lot of what has been going on for years could be easily categorized as "Love Buster", so needless to say, I don't even feel any love for my H anymore. Our son is now 13, and he has been a witness to a lot of this. Now, Iv'e found out that my H had another one night stand 3 years ago. In both cases, he did not confess anything. He has started counseling for all of the issues, and I've started again myself separately to sort things out. My H wants us to stay together, and for me to forgive again.<BR>I am a Christian woman who thought she married a Christian man with similar morals and values, but this had been a rude awakening. Our pastors are also counseling my H. I'm just wondering if anything like this has happened to anyone else, and what did you end up doing. I can give more info if needed.<P>------------------<BR>TwiceStupid

KmyinVA,<P>Thanks for the additional info...<P>If you think that the methods/concepts/principles make sense to you... and you're looking for conrete steps... <BR>1. Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> and <B>read it</B>! It wouldn't hurt in the least to get <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> either.<BR>2. I would recommend that you (and your H if possible) have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! <B>No</B>... I get no kick-back from the Harley's. Everyone I know who has tried them... was very satisfied. (this is an especially good option if your current counseling isn't doing the job.)<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

KmyinVa<P>As I said before, I have been through it more than once the first time, about 13 years ago, h left me for another woman, who I call wildebeast. He lived with her for a year and a half. When she left him for his best friend I took him back. Then 1 1/2 years ago he had an affair for 6 months with a friends wife, with the friends knowledge and concent. I didn't know about it.<P>I am still with him. Some days are good, a few are bad. <P>Like I said you have to decide where you want to go with this one. But you need to set some boundries with him, let him know you will not take anymore of this, if thats how you feel.<P>And Jim is right about the books, ect.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>