H has really had to deal with being fired, and feels very betrayed by his company, the company that wooed him with a million promises of a million dollars.<BR>He left this evening to drive around and figure out what he wants to do about the house he wants to buy, and the job he wants to take now, and he called me as soon as he left, and told me that if i wanted to stay with him, he would be "straight" from now till the end. i lovebusted a little by saying, "didn't you say that on a boat once?" (we were married on a boat the size of the s.s. minnow in the same place where they filmed the beginning of gilligan's island. a three hour tour, a three hour tour...)<BR>and he said, "yeah, but sometimes pain gets in the way and makes us do the wrong thing" (he still blames me for having an affair with his best friend, which i did NOT, as the reason he had an affair).<BR>i don't know what to think. i mean, i REALLY TRUSTED him this spring, when he turned out to be LIVING WITH OW. ouch.<BR>he seems very sincere now, and concerned about his health (recently diagnosed with lupus), and is madly in love with the baby he thought was not his (OW called me and demanded a paternity test this summer).<BR>I think my heart knows the truth, that i should stay and this can be worked out, especially for our babies, but something in my mind balks at being lied to again (oh my god, can he LIE).<BR>I think the law of inertia will keep me with him for awhile-i really dont want to work if i can help it while the babies are so small-but a lot of the time i want to run screaming, and i still want all the answers to questions i have.<BR>can i ever be happy, knowing he can't NOT lie? not knowing the answers? always wondering?<BR>im so confused....<BR>thanks for letting me vent, guys. <P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

If you think you can give it a shot, then go for it!<P>You never know, so much has happened, this may be the time that he's able to keep those promises that he hasn't been able to so far.<P>I wish you the best of luck and lots of strength - for you AND especially, him.<P>Lori

Good people make bad mistakes and sometimes men (and of course women) can do some insane things and make some crazy mistakes. I myself made a huge one this summer- lost my focus... forgot (for a short time) what was truly important to me and did some really stupid things. <BR>For my part, I have come around and my experiences have left me a wiser man and more devoted to my lovely, patient wife than ever would have been possible without this tragedy... if that makes any sense... <BR>Anyhoo.. I don't know your H... but if he has grown from this... you may find in him some great improvements.<BR>You are a far better judge in this matter than I... you know him; I donot. But men, when they stray from their path, are notoriously hard to get back upon it, and we can act very unwisely, but we do learn from our mistakes... <BR>Deut

lostva, you're right, so much HAS happened that maybe he's woken up. last time, he never really promised to be mine again-that was the most obvious he's ever cried, was when he was about to lose HER. sick. but i guess maybe this thing finally died on it's own. the big thing that is really different is that he seems to have stopped blaming ME for all this, and has started complimenting me on everything. i lovebust quite a bit because im just so darned confused...and maybe it feels SAFE now to not worry about walking on eggshells not to lose him...who knows. im still just MAD about the whole thing, and it needs to run it's course, just like the affair.<BR>deut-thanks for the words of encouragement and a bit of the male mind. i made all of this harder on everyone becauase i wanted so bad for H to quit blaming me and take some responisiblity for his wretched choices. i think if i had really plan A'd him, it all would have ended sooner, i just wanted him to STOP LYING!<BR>sigh.....<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

I agree w/Lostva....if you think you can do it...then give it a shot!<P>By the way...where does this OW get off by making demands of you?? She really has nerve!<P>Good luck with your decision.

Hi LWB.<P>My husband wants to shift the blame of his "affair" (that in his definition wasn't an affair - just an almost mistake...") to me. I'm trying to analyze what that is all about. I'm not sure I get it, but I'm sure I will understand his need to blame. Fear of failure? Self esteem dependent on other people's opinions? I don't know. But, anyway, this sounds like progress.<BR>tnt

LWB,<P>Ya know, sometimes some people have to get all the way down,,way down, before they can look up. Some have to lose everything before they can appreciate what they had. Maybe the job loss, the health problems, and the reality of losing you and the babies have made him look around and take stock of the risks he has been taking and the losses he has suffered.<P>I say, if you feel strong enough, give it a shot. It's worth a try. If you don't try, you'll never know. Good luck to you!!

lWb,<P>I have to agree to give it another shot here. I think him being betrayed will produce a change of attitude between the two of you. Look, he has already admitted he did the wrong thing". I think that admission alone shows a whole lot of growth for your H.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Don't have much to add, the others have said it all, pretty much. Remember how much you have endured to get this far, and don't forget that the only way to move forward is to take a step! If you can take that step together, what a wonderful thing!<P>There is no guarantee that he will lie again - there is no guarantee that he won't. The best that you can do is to meet as many emotional needs as you can and let him know what he can do to meet yours. Just remember that men (especially ) are NOT mindreaders! Really, none of us are, so it is important for us to communicate our needs clearly.<P>A couple of good books to help you both keep your NEW marriage on track are "Light Her Fire" and "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kreidmann. They give you lots of hints for keeping that love fire burning!<P>I wish you the best and still hope to someday be where you are now!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

thank you all for the encouragement, i will remember to read this when i am feeling down again....in those quiet moments when i have to much time and fall into the dark recesses of my mind, i can read this to pull me out.<BR>thanks!<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>