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Joined: Aug 1999
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I am not very comfortable doing thinks like this, but after viewing some other postings I realize that I am not alone. Here it goes.... I just found out that my wife had a two year affair with someone that I had considered a very good friend. Our families were very close. We took vacations together, we watched each others kids, I hunted and fished with the other man. We told each other things that you do with friends...about little things going on at home and what we were up to. Little did I know that he would be using the little details that I was giving him to help seduce my wife. This helped him find out ways to get closer to her and comfort her if we were having a spat. About two years ago this friend started not calling when he would have in the past. Eventualy he stopped calling all together. At about the same time things started to get strained at home. Of course I didn't put two and two together until a couple of months ago. To make things even more complicated my wife and his wife were very good friends also. Even after the OM stopped wanting to talk to me, his wife and my wife still acted like best friends. <P>I now feel betrayed on several levels....first of all my wife of many years was with another man. The reasons I can still not comprehend. She is vague about the why of it. She says she doesn't really know. She says that he gave her attention, that at the time, I was not giving to her. She indicates that she felt very guilty about what she was doing to me and to her friend... but this didn't stop the affair.<BR>I do believe that it really was hurting her. She lost alot of weight, and was very tough to be around for a long time. It felt like she was pushing me away. She later told me that was exactly what she was doing. I am still not completly sure what to do about my marriage. I have good days and bad days. I know I love her, but I am not sure if that is still enough.<P>As far as my ex friend is concerned... I am still very angry. I have not talked to him since I found out. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of what I should, could or would say if an opertunity presented itself. We live in the same small community and we pass on the road once in a while. I'm upset the rest of the day afterwards and am unpleasant at home afterwards. I am thinking of having a confrontation to get it out of my system... I'm not sure where that would lead or what good it would actually do for me. Any thoughts?<p>[This message has been edited by ripped apart (edited August 26, 1999).]

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I think I know you-and if I don't then I might as well. Since this very same thing happened to me. All of your story sounds like mine [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] This scares me so bad.

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This seems to be a common theme going tonight! I am right in the middle of getting over my h affair with best friend. Families were just like yours--did everything together. What were they thinking? Personally, I wish ow husband would confront my h. It would cause him to be accountable to someone other than just me. That is pretty selfish and I need to get over it. I did right the ow a short note in which I was very gracious and kind. Wanted to smother her in kindness and not give her amo. to come after my h with. Your confronting the om might just tick him off and send him after your wife. The theme of the night seems to be work on forgiveness. Not for their sake, but your own [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Hang in there. This all does get easier with time.

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Well, it's me again [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I am sitting here shaking, sick to my stomach. I know that ripped apart is someone I know. I am so scared. What worries me is that by confrontation you will only be tearing open an old wound. I have many things I could tell my H's OW's H-but I don't think I want to do that. Do I want to be the reason for a divorce? No. Do I want to hurt a guy and his kids? No! Do I want revenge? well................no I don't. After reading these posts here I see that my story isn't half as bad as some. I also see that in order to heal a person has got to get over the anger and get in the mode to move on. I am trying that so hard. I know I love my H. I also know that I hate the OW. But I hate her because she was supposed to be my friend-and she hurt me in a big way. A way that will never mend. I have gotten to the point where I do NOT want any friends any more. I haven't got what it takes to be a good friend to anyone after this and I don't feel as though I can trust anyone after this. It isn't a grudge-I swear it isn't. I have missed my friend in so many ways. We had a lot in common and I miss the fun we had. I am rambling-and getting upset.<P>Please keep on reading posts here-it will help you too to see that you are far from alone. If you and I know who each other are I need to talk to you-but I am very afraid. My feelings are the same as yours. I ahte when I see the OW on the road. I can't get it all out of my mind-and I think day in and day out. One thing I do know is that I love my H_and I want to stay married to him-but trust????????????? Dirty 5 letter word right now-I haven't got any-not for anyone. Contact me please.

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Oh man, well I'm not sure if you guys will let me in or not but I'll share anyway.<BR> Last year my h had an affair with his friends wife for 6 months, the sick thing is it started out as "kinky sex" when the ow's h and ow invited my h to join them in a three some, gag puke spit. Sorry I know that was gross, but it's how I feel. Then ow and my h started seeing each other w/o her h being invited to play too, he found out, got mad,ran crying to his momma that w and my h were having an affair. Of course the little worm didn't tell momma how it started. My h and the ow's h were friends for 15 years, ow knew me, we weren't best friends but we spoke<BR>she knew me, her h sure knew me he stayed with us a few times. When I found out (ow's h's mom called me) and got all the gory details from h, I went bullistic. I called ow h and told his mom how it started. I mean why should ow have her h's family calling her names, he was part of this whole rotten mess too. The ow and her h showed up at my h's job a couple of months ago wanting to "be friends and bury the hatchett" I freaked over it. H and I wrote them a letter and told them no more contact at all, like I could ever be friends with these people. H and I are still working on our marriage, some days are good and some just stink, but part of that is he had done me before this one. Sooooo, we will see what happens next. So am I in ????<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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Bozos Deb-<P>Hey-I read your post-I am waiting for ripped apart to respond. I have to apologize. I don't follow what you were asking-about are you in? I am shaky-so shaky it hurts. I am so nervous. This is the first time I have felt like I was even close to reading a letter exactly like mine-I jusst know ripped apart is someone I know-all too well. Gawd I want this all to end so bad. I feel like I am back to 12 weeks ago [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Please explain what you were asking-i can't seem to think straight.

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hang on heartache. just hang on...

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ah Heartache,<BR> Hon it was just my weak way of making a joke, I know2 this situation isn't funny, but if I don't laugh I'll cry and I've already cried a lot for 11 months now. (this time that is) I was asking if I was in the spouse cheated with a friend club.<BR> If ripped apart is who you think he is, you must both be in shock right now, he may have gone to bed too, I will be praying for you both tonight. These things can be worked out but when the op was a friend, it makes it so much worse. If he is who you think you already have a basis for talking, and as painful as it maybe you can help each other through this walk through hell, sorry for the word, but it feels like hell to me sometimes. Keep posting, we all understand.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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OK DEB-you are in [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I am sorry-i knew I was just missing something. I am gnawing at my fingernails and still shaking. Damn I hate this. I know my H will be furious if I have any contact with the OW or her H. Every time I see one of them or talk to her H I am a different person-and it is like no matter what I have already found out I know tthere will be things said that I do NOT want to hear. I ahte to say this but--------I know that the OW has not been totally truthful-and yet I am sure her H wants to believe her as much as I want to believe my H. Actually-at times I wonder what it even matters anynore-I mean-it has already happened. I think a lot of us to way too much emphasis on all the details-it obviously takes two to tangle. But I am so hurting-still-and I keep hoping if I ehard that she even was sorry-or that she felt she was responsible it might be the breaking point for me. You see................we did some e mailing back and forth and all I read from the OW gave me the impression that she fully blames my H and that she did take part but didn't accept any responsibility. That hurt-I mean first she takes what belonged to me-then she makes written threats and slanders him-why did she even have to bother him in the first place? Damn damn damn-<P>Once again-thanks for posting-I will pay more attention in the future. right now I just need to talk. I need a friend-damn again [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Thanks for everyones support. Is a confrontation with OM going to at least let me move on? I know I still love my wife, but I feel something is not finished. I need to put some things behind me before I can come to some closure. Its been a couple of months, but it is still very painfull.

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-please tell me if I know you!!!!! Can you say soemthing to let me know? Please??

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oh Heartache, <BR> As I've told others here, I'm not much but I'm better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. I'll be your friend, so will many others here. As far as ripped apart is concerned, well if he saw your posts he may be just as freaked out as you are. I would be. Or he may have done something I do at times and that is post a thread and then go to bed and check for answers in the morning. <BR> If he is him, you both need to be honest w/ each other. The details are hard, they hurt soooo much, but for me, the not knowing is worse. When h was having his last affair we renewed our vows, we renewed in May, I discovered affair in Sept. the affair had been on going for 6 months, that means when we renewed our vows he was already cheating and had NO intention of stopping. Talk about things you want to forget, I can't even look at the pictures from the day we renewed, I was so happy, and it turned out to be one BIG LIE !!!!!<BR> Just relax a little, being tense won't make ripped apart answer any sooner, if he is who you think then he may be sitting back and thinking about what he should do next. My h just got in from work, he'll want the computer soon,but one of us will be around this board for a while tonight, if you want to talk just yell OK<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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Heartache-<BR>I can feel your anxiety. I said a prayer for you. God Bless!

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Thanks Deb,<P>I know what you are saying is true. But there is no way I can stop shaking and being tense. so far as needing to hear all-I don't know. It drives me nuts that someone else held my man close-got to smell his skin-have his arms around them [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I sure as heck don't need those details. And I think that is what the OW's H feels too. It kills him that my H was intimate with his W. That is something we just have to get used to-cause it ain't gonna go away!<BR>I do need a friend. right now I need to get to bed though. I hope I can sleep. I have been up for 18 hrs and worked today so I am a bit done in [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I will be back in about 7 hours to check posts. I sure hope ripped answers.<BR>Thanks so much for writing again. Oh-and my H wanted to renew our vows also-I am far from ready for that. If I were to do that I would want to be feeling happy-and I haven't been happy for 12 weeks and 2 days now. <P>HUGS

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enlightened-those words mean a lot to me right now. I thank you too [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I want to stop shaking. It is even hard to type. I think I will try to get some rest.<P>Thank you so much.

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heartache,<P>calm down. it might sounds impossible, but try to get some sleep. your body need to have a rest at the moment.<P>whether ripped apart is someone who you think he is, give him sometimes. he might be the one, he might not. even if he might, you'd better re-consider things that you want to ask from him. chose those who can heal you, spare the unhealthy details.<P>meanwhile, have some rest. <P>Saskia

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ripped apart,<BR> a confrontation won't do anyone any good at this point. If you have things you must say why not write the om a letter ? Ask any questions you have in it, wait a few days, make any changes or add anything you want and then mail it. Remember, his wife most likely feels the same pain, you are feeling. If you see om on the street go the other way. You are in too much pain to keep your head right now, and you don't want things to go bad.I am a big believer in letters, they allow you to say everything you need to say and yet let you keep a safe distance from the person who has hurt you. I am not trying to be ugly with you, but remember your w is as much to blame as om, his w may feel the same things for her as you feel for him, just a thought.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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Ripped apart,<P>Let me start by telling you my story..my wife had a one-night stand with a man I knew as a friend and it would have been a full-blown affair if God hadn't stepped in. Well, we have known this man for 6yrs..my wife worked with him and they were good friends..I didn't trust him at first (I don't trust single non-Christian men as far as I can throw them. I know how they operate..I used to be one of the worst.) I grew to trust this man over time. When my wife told me, I was shocked..then the shock turned into anger and despair..I called him and threatened to ruin his military career if he had any contact with my family ever again..well, he called my wife to find out where she was..she told him no contact..I wrote him a letter..I used the story of David, Bathsheba, and Uriah the Hittite to illustrate how I felt..read it..it is in 1 or 2 Samuel..I think 2..I don't have my Bible handy..well, to write that letter gave me some closure..also, I told him that vengeance is not mine, but it belongs to God..I told him to get right with God. I don't know how I will react if he ever calls or comes into contact with me or my wife ever again, but my counselor made a very good point on the whole matter. He said that I don't have to destroy this man's military career because, if he keeps following the path he is on, he would destroy it on his own..I will have a hard time trusting any man around my wife ever again..It will take a long time for me to trust her again also..but I also understand why it happened..it was a wake-up call for me that I wasn't meeting my wife's needs..I was blinded by the world and only thinking about myself..well, I am awake now and doing things right..love your wife..show her how much you do..write the letter to the OM..I sent mine, but you don't have to send it..write it and then burn it and bring closure..and then, go to God in prayer for peace..He will grant it and help you move on..meet her needs..work your butt off..and the rewards will come and strength in your marriage will show. Grace and peace to you from our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Take care.

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I hope the man gets his say. I was in a similar relationship, not this intense however. It is human nature to want to speak out to whomever hurt you in such a bad way.<BR>Everybody needs to say, to write, whatever helps them, in order to move on from this type of problem. I confronted the OM, and it felt like a ton of bricks lifted off of me.The OP needs to know what kind of pain they have caused. To all of you who have confronted the OP, didn't it make you feel better? I am divorced now,8 months, but not just because of this, or my anger at anyone, we just realized that it was never meant to be.But I will never regret speakin my mind.<BR>Do what you need to do to heal. God Bless.

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I think I must have scared ripped apart away from here [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I didn't mean to do that. Now I am left wondering if it was indeed the person I thought it was-but I am fairly certain it was. <BR>Ripped-if you are out there please continue to read posts here-it is a geat place to see that not only are we not alone in our pain but to see how thru the goodness of others we can mend without making big mistakes.<P>heartache [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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