Ok Ya'll here goes...<P>As I put on my other thread I am desperatly trying to kill this resntment I have.<P>W dropped off D after church, how can she go to church and live in her own skin, oh how bad I want to ask...howver that would be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> in the form of a disrespectful judgement. Somedays these rules of engagement realy stink!!!<P>I tell ya the hardest thing is this urge I have to hold her and make passionate love to her. Then I realise that is exactly what LRB is going to do...<B>OUCH</B>.<P>What can I do? Nothing!!<P>I can however, come here and tell you all how I feel. Ya know, pain shared is pain lessoned.<P>Today while D is down for her nap I'm going to do something positive for myself. I'm going to write out a schedule for my days. <P>I have to get my **** together and get a life. I have a long wait until my marrital recovery.<P>It is real hard fighting this urge to just throw up my hands and quit. That is what she wants me to do. Well folk, udeniable truth of life #3 says quitter never win, and winners never quit. I will be a winner, so she's not getting off that easy..HA<P>I do have some confessions to make. I haven't been working on me lately. My walk w/God has taken somewhat of a backseat the past week or so, I haven't written on my step in a month, I haven't been going to bed at a reasonable hour, and I haven't been eating right. I've been shopping to fill the void in my gut. Thanks Desiree for being my concience. I have to get back on trck. My expectation of being in M recovery by New Years was shot down in flames. Thats what I get for haveing them...<P>I still have a good bit of work to do on my house, that will be on my to do list. Eating right and exercising are on it, as is proper rest. Oh and I can't forget diligent prayers.<P>I haven't been praying and meditating like I was. I think it's because I fel like God hasn't been answering them. Nothing could be futher from the truth. I forget I,m on His timetable.<P>So now I'm going to fullfill my responcibilities as a father and a functioning adult.<P>In case you were wondering I am in desperate need of encouragement.<P>I love you guys,<P>Bill<P><BR>------------------<BR>BB<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited January 16, 2000).]

Hi Bill: Isn't it funny how we can sound so positive and grateful one day-and mean it; then, feel like we're about to crash and burn the next day?<P>We have to remember this is all cyclecle. (sp?) Not getting enough rest/sleep, exercise, the right food and miserating our lot in life over and over to the point of obsession, will bring on a back slide in our personal recovery and out frame of mind.<P>Tomorrow, you may feel differently and better about everything. It might make good sense to "meet" with others who share your strengths, hopes and can guide you and give you support through this tough time.<P>I am personally guilty of obsessing and am currently fighting the blues over what has happened and the incredible damage done to my marriage. Last week I was in a fairly good place, yesterday I cried myself to sleep, woke up this morning feeling blue and now feeling pretty good. Up, down. Geez.<P>I know we are all impatient for God to work His miracles and it is hard to let go and let God take care of things in His own time; I constantly try to figure out why God would allow something like this to happen to us and especially allow the OW to become pregnant when I can't have a child. It is all too painful and confusing because I cannot begin to know God's plan for me. It will all be revealed in His time frame.<P>The important thing to remember is that God has NOT forsaken us and is holding us in His hands and working miracles with our spouses we cannot begin to understand. You do not know how your spouse is feeling right now or what God is doing to her to put her through her paces. She may be battling devils and her demons right now and looking at the OM as a loser, mistake, dud, and trying to figure out how she can repair damages done without losing face. I am praying for this for you.<P>I bet it ain't as great with the OM as you have contrived it to be. I recently found out that that part of the relationship with the OW was disappointing and a lot of work-that she was unresponsive. At least that's the story line. It may just be a line to make me feel better, but, I am hoping it is true.<P>I loved your thread on the gifts we have received. Let's try to keep focused on that.

To my dearest Bill,<P>Your strength is far beyond you know. You are a wise man with such a beautiful heart. Your wife has to be going through temporary insanity not to see that. The children of God went through the wilderness before they could experience the promise land. And gold must go thru the fire before it can be sold. I guess what I am trying to say, anything worth anything will be tried. You are going through the a tough time. We all are, but we have to remember that God will not allow his children to go through anything we could not bare. Now you may say, this pain is unbearable. And that's when I say if you continue to lean on the everlasting love of God, He will carry you through this storm. He is carrying you through at this very moment. You have given me good advice and have also encouraged me in the past. i hope I have helped. You are in my prayers!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Bill, <P>I know you have only been on MB since the first of Nov. but I can't remember how long since you found out and when she left. I can remember how I felt the first months after discovery and then after H left. I would be doing good, then things came crashing around me. I too went on a shopping spree good excuse needed new clothes so I could look for a job plus the fact I had lost a lot of weight. Don't we always make good excuses? All during the holidays I wasn't eating right or sleeping right. So I guess you are normal for where you are. <P>Just don't get discourage. You will have time when you do good and other time well we won't even go into those.<P>I know there were a lot of time I felt like God's wasn't answering my prayers. But he does like you say in His time. <P>Bill, You will be okay and you will make it. Lots of prayers your way and {{{HUGS}}}}<P><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

di,<P>D-Day was oct. 8, R moved out for week and a half came home I moved out Nov. 15.<P>B<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited January 16, 2000).]

The reason I asked because I think how you are dealing with things depends on long it has been. There was only a month between the time you found out and you separated. I had four months from the time I found out and he left. Of course I went through hell then we were also dealing with son's kidney transplant which is probably the reason he didn't leave. I always felt that he would leave. It was a gut feeling that I knew it was a matter of time because he was going to have to find what reality with her was like. I have gone through almost 6 months of separation. The first two I am not sure I really remember them they were painful, lots of emotional ups and downs. But I am doing better emotionally and physically now. It was hard during Christmas holidays. I too kept hoping that they would bring him back. Very unrealistic. I know it took a long time for us to get to this point and it will take a long while for them to be normal again. I really feel that he will be back just as I felt he would leave. BOth time I didn't know when it would happen. <P>Again you will make it one way or the other. It does take time to get your head on straight again but you are doing a great job. <P>{{{HUGS}}}<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks di,<P>That motivation is hard to come by somedays.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>Oh, dear...all is not lost! Here is you motivational speech:<P>First off...start by doing some of those things around your place. Make a list...as a matter of fact...make copious lists!!!! Lists are keeping me going these days. I have been fixing and doing so many things around here that need to be done. It is bringing me great satisfaction, too, to do all this stuff by myself and my house is looking really clean and spiffy, too. Keeping active keeps the mind occupied and that helps with the resentment, obsessions and hurt.<P>Start exercising, too. I know you were gonna buy that equipment...so if you haven't...I am SENDING you shopping this time! Get your butt moving and get yourself in shape. Does wonders for the mind, too. Might also help you with the chain-smoking you were mentioning in Tim's thread.<P>Spend more time with Abbey - go to the zoo, the library and let her mess up someone else's bookshelf(HAHAHA!). Maybe just get out an dtake her for a walk around the neighborhood...anything where you get to spend some more time focusing on her.<P>Have you stopped going to church, Bill? You mentioned that R dropped A off from service, but didn't mention yourself going. I feeel so much better since God called me back to church. I think you would feel better, too, Bill. Daily prayer is sustaining me and I also read the daily meditaions from the book based on a 12-step plan. I know you have all those type of books, so dig them out and use them! They are ther to motivate you and keep you on the right track.<P>More importantly is spending some adult time out with friends and/or relatives. Thi shas helped me tremendously. When I found out about my H's affair and it's ongoing continuation here for almost one year - well, it rocked my self-confidence in the WORST way. I was crushed as a person and as a WOMAN. Like, God, can't I keep my man happy and home??? What is wrong with me??? This must be all my fault. That type of negative talk. It has taken me along time to get over this betrayal, but I think I am finally getting there. I know this has less to do with me and our marriage and more to do with H and his internal problems. Same for you, Bill. This is really more about R and things she needs to deal with internally. Doesn't mean we can't improve ourselves(we can)and our marriages (if we get the chance).<P>What keeps me going and has helped me to get this sense of peace is this _ God has answered my prayers. He has put in my heart this: Look BEYOND the affair and the present hurts....you will make it and be happier than ever. I am FEELING happier, too. I am not 100% my self again, but I am really in large part there. Bill, try as best you can to look beyond today and see yourself as a happy, well-balanced man who is living life to the fullest and enjoying himslef and feeling very contented. It will happen - when, I can not say - but, in time, it WILL happen, I promise.<P>Keep the faith and smile...yes, I see a little teeth and a crooked grin...there it is...all toothy and big wide smile with a little chuckle out loud!!! :<P>I knew you had it in you, my friend!!!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Bill~<BR>You are sooooo together and don't even know it! I think it's great that you can acknowledge that life goes on in HIS timetable, not ours~ This is very important!<BR>I wanted you to know that although your thoughts may seem scattered to you they seem very realistic to me! God Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

You really have a great motivation-- your daughter. Of course they sometimes cause us to have a bad day because we see what our spouse is missing. But my two grandsons have helped me so much. And of course keeping busy. But you already knew that.<P>I read a lot here don't always post because I am not sure I have anything to say and sometimes I can't because of the pain. BUt it is a good place to come because we all understand what the other is going through. And you know that helps. Just remember to vent here, say your prayers like a good little boy, and don't give up.<P>{{HUGS}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Bill, Dude, My sick friend,<P>It's just one of those damned days for you, that's all. We all get them. Ya know the roller coaster analogy. When the ride first starts [discovery] there are great rises [when you figure out what went wrong and now know how to fix it and want to] and dips [S isn't interested in rebuilding the marriage]. Later on [as time passes] it starts smoothing out [gets better]. The rises and dips aren't quite as severe. [We finally ground ourselves and start the healing process]. The ride ends. [reconsiliation vs divorce]. You get off feeling dizzy [either option will take it's toll on your being].<P>I have at least figured out that I was the problem and not the solution.<P>Hope you are feeling better Bill. You are a sick pup. <P>Zip<P>

Hi Bill,<P>Looks to me like you've gotten some pretty good motivational speeches, already. This is going to be a hard act(s) to follow.<P>You say D-day was Oct 8? Well, according to Harley, affairs 'usually' begin to unravel around 6 months after discovery. So, that would put Robin at around Apr 8. You should just count on things not changing until sometime in April. That way, you won't get your hopes all up, only to be disappointed. In my situation, I started to see signs of H's head emerging from you know where after almost 6 months to the day! I guess, think of it as a gestational period. It's gonna take that long before their head hatches or something like that. I know patience can be the hardest thing. But, you know the way I looked at it, I didn't want H to come back before he had things figured out. Nothing worse than a preemie Head. Haha!! Anyway, my thought was that H was miserable (trust me, Robin is too), so let them be miserable with the OPs. They will NEVER be able to make us happy while they are unhappy.<P>Once I made up my mind that I WAS going to have a happy life either with H or without H, things got a lot better for me. I felt a peace come over me for the first time. I actually came to discover that I CAN live a happy life without H! I guess in a way, it's letting go of the situation, and allowing it to run it's course. You believe that you will make it no matter what happens.<P>You know, once I got to that place, I seemed to notice a change in H. I think he sensed that there was a good possibility that he might lose me. I came across to him as being happy (without him), and I think that really worried him.<P>Hang in there, Bill. As Diana pointed out, it DOES get better.

Just a quick note from the underworld of lurkers...<P>You are a wonderful man. So, you're realizing you haven't been meditating or praying like you should, and you wonder how your W lives in her skin and still faces God. OK.<P>That said, here's the dope:<P>You've been hurting, but giving support, love and friendship to faceless strangers/friends (us) and now you have to take care of Bill. You can do that.<P>R is responsible to God all by herself, just like my David, and they will both have to answer for their actions. Luckily, we will only have to answer for ourselves. THANK GOD, as if I don't have enough to worry about on that front, huh?<P>Bill... hang in there... didn't someone tell us there would be days like this??<P>Start singing!!!<P>~Sheryl

Desiree,<P>Thank you, thank you, thank you...<P>I am slowly getting off my butt and doing maintnence around here. I lost my list.<P>I bought the equipment, put the bench together last night, tonight I'm hanging the punching bag. I plan to be up tomorrow @ 5:00 am killing my sorry body.<P>I have Abbey the next three days, and I'vve got some things planned.<P><BR>I haven't been to church in two weeks. I do pray three or four times a day, and I listen to Chuck Swindall almost everyday. I just kinda lost my focus a littlte. I have a buch of 12 step literature I haven't been diligent though. I have to finish the step I'm on (#4 the ole inventory..yuk).<P>S, BIL,and SIL are moving in next week. I am realising R is going to have to figure out what she wants. I still hate that little ****er.<P>This morning was one of those down ones. Thanks for the kick in the pants<P><BR>Chick's,<P>Thanks for the vote of confidence.<P>SDS,<P>Yes this a place of understanding. Thank God for that.<P>Zippy, Zippy, Zippy,<P>This is not your every day rollercoaster. It's one of them new fangled jobs w/ them twisty loops. My problem is I like to ride w/ my hands uo in the air.<BR>As far as being sick, I gues it takes one to know one huh...<P>Thanks,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Sydney,<P>April 8, man that seems like forever. I have decide to be content w/or w/out R. I wouldn't mind a "pemmie" I am ready to wait and in the meantime live my life.<P>My number one worry is that LRB is a drug dealer, and that ends in one of three ways. Jails, institutions,or death. This is my biggest fear.<P>Sheryl,<P>Wonderful words from the land of lurkers. I cannot tell you how glad I am I only have to answer for my sins.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hey...<P>You sound so much better tonight!!!!1<P>I like ya when ya smile <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Bill,<P>I have a book called "One Day at a Time in Al-anon" It is quite a meditation book. It has helped of course I only started reading it the first of the year. I know how worried you are about Robin and drugs. But as a recoverying addict you also know that there is really nothing you can do about it. I have a great fear to in that I know Jim (H) is very depressed and well his brother died 28 years ago and cause of death was unknown but it has been suggested as sucide. That really worries me that he will have gotten himself in such a mess that he will not know how to get out. I know you feel the same way about Robin. It is hard to take. BUt you know all we can do is show our love and support and plan a all the way. They have to make their own choices and there is nothing we can do or say to really help them. We just have to show that we are their for them and then back off.<P>Sidney talked about the 6month thing and I know that seems like a long time but let me tell you that is only the start. That is when the awareness starts to surface. It is still a very long time till they really comes to terms with what they have done. <P>The church thing will I did the same thing but have gone back now. It is so hard to make your self do certain things right now. But as I am farther along then you I can let you know that there is a peace that comes. It lets you deal with everything, but it takes time too. Sidney, Desiree and I have seemed to have found it just recently and I think we are allin the same time frame of our H's affairs. But it comes about the same time that our spouses begin to glimmers of day light. Actually when I start to think about it I am amazed that it has already been six months. I think it was such a stressful and numbing time that I didn't realize that time had gone by. True being in a fog but it does lift. Again we are here for support any time you need us. If you want to talk any more my email is diseiler@hotmail.com<P>{{{HUGS}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

di,<P>Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.<P>I personaly don't like the al-anon meditation<BR>book it's a little too "heady" for me. The NA Just For Today is simple enough for this drug addict...lol..in fact every one since <BR>d-day has been right on the mark...go figure..<P>thanks,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>