My ex-wife and I separated three years ago, and were divorced two years ago. We have shared custody of our two children aged 5 and 8 which just about guarantees regular contact between us.<P>During these three years, she has gotten engaged with her boyfriend, then has broken up. Between breakups, she approaches me asking for reconciliation. After a while (sometimes months), she winds up going back to this guy. The odd thing is that when they are together, they fight frequently, with the fights often becoming physical.<P>My friends and I are at a loss at how to stop this addictive cycle.<P>Here's also some food for thought from a book "Torn Asunder, Recovering from Extramartial Affairs" by Dave Carder. I quote from it:<P>"During the destabilization stage, fear of being caught, fired, divorced, or shamed fuels the urgency to get out of the relationship. Yet looks are deceiving. Though on the outside the affair looks like it may be falling apart, in reality it is being stabilized.<P>In some affairs, this phase can go on literally for years, with many months separating the periods of togetherness. Times together are so good, yet so far between, that the relationship is never actually threatened. It is the old pattern of the binge drinker who thinks he will never become an alcoholic because he only drinks heavily two or three times a year.<P>This apparent destabilization of the affair is actually its most powerful maintenance. The separation/togetherness cycle actually intensifies the feelings and guarantees that the affair will not end. The longer that process goes on, the more powerful the attachment and attraction become."<P>Comments? Suggestions? Any pointers to resources on how to deal with addictions, particularly the on again off again relationships?<P>
