This is only my second day with the forum. i love and NEED this support. I am just now starting plan A and in reading some of the other posting there is a warning not to educate my H. Does this mean on the steps in the processes; does this mean not trying to open his eyes to the fact that he is addicted and not in true love with this woman and that I can meet ALL of his emotional needs. He needs to give me an opportunity. With the OW now expecting his child, there will be a problem with the separation between the two. But this is not the first time children have been fathered in affairs. Not everyone leaves their wife. The child support would not create any type of financial drain on our household. I just need my H to be totally committed and in love with me again. I feel that he still loves me but is caught up in a haze, this cloud of her pretentious perfection and pity that she is using to get him. I need help with my Plan A. What do I say to him? Do I educate him on how he is feeling that it is addiction? Should I let him know that I will not stand between him and the child but i won't allow anything else with the mother? Should I stand back and wait if I think he is still seeing her and hope he gets it out of his system? I do know I have to continue to pray and pray and pray. I married for life. I love my H and want my family together always. Advice please......

Agb,<P>This will be short as I'm running out the door.<P>Go to NSR's post click the sunglasses, the do an archive search look for his thread Plan-A 101.<P>Then read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> on this site.<P>Yes educating him is not a good idea.<P>More later .<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Tell your husband that you love him, that you made mistakes in meeting his needs and if the situation presents itself, you will be therefore him again. Do not condone or accept the affair. Do not be mean or vindictive. You do need to tell him that you have self-respect and self-worth. That statement will do two things, first, you will gain in self-respect, and second, it will open the cage for him. Once the cage is open, he may not want to go.<P>You didn't hold or grab him and cry, "Please don't leave me! while you were dating or engaged. It wouldn't work now either. By opening the cage, he will fear losing the part of his emotional needs that you are meeting and it will start to bring him back. If it doesn't, the relationship was probably too far gone to have been saved anyway.<P>Remember, always be a source of happiness and not of unpleasantness, but be firm and not a doormat. The situation with the other woman could go bad soon when the child support issue and the other financial aspects start to be realized.<P>God bless and good luck

AGB,<P>Most people think of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as just the definition in the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... it is <B>not</B> just a list of "don't"s... Yes... avoid the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... but include meeting H's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> as well!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>does this mean not trying to open his eyes to the fact that he is addicted and not in true love with this woman and that I can meet ALL of his emotional needs...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...That depends on <B>how</B> you do it! The standard methods of "speaking in conversation"... "handing him copies of every page and post at MB"... and stuffing the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> in his pillow case... <B>WON'T WORK</B>!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> He needs to give me an opportunity.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...you may have to make your own opportunities! Frequently... and much, much, much interaction with him.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What do I say to him?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...it isn't always what you say... it's what you need to <B>DO</B>... pull down the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A> and have him fill it out if he will... if not you fill it out pretending to be him... and this will tell you <B>what</B> you need to do!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do I educate him on how he is feeling that it is addiction?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...there is no addict that will listen to this... much less "hear" it. Work on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> instead.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...but i won't allow anything else with the mother?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...If your H is truly commited to you... work out an acceptable <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... perhaps with the help of a counselor... maybe contacting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>.<P>Absolutely. <B>Plan P</B>!<P>-------------------------------------------<P>Oh OK Bill... here is the quick link to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>-------------------------------------------<P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 16, 2000).]